6 Popular Smells I Do Not Appreciate

Ash TrayIn a previous article I went over 6 SMELLS THEY SHOULD PROBABLY MAKE INTO CANDLES. This article was a runaway success (racking up over 6 views in a mere eighteen days) so in light if this I've decided to take a look at the 6 candle scents I would most definitely not like to see, or rather, six popular smells I do not appreciate (as it says in the title up there). If those descriptions are too complicated for you though, you can also think of this article as Six Smells I Hate, or These Six Things Stink, Get Rid of Them. Or if that's still too complicated you also can think of this article as the other article (the one about good smells)'s evil twin. Here, I'll even give it a goatee so you can tell the two apart. It is my understanding that every evil twin is supposed to have a goatee.


Goatee

1. New Car Smell

Car InteriorThey already have "New Car Smell" scented candles, but I've never understood why anyone even likes it. It smells like cheap death. Whenever I sit in a new car it gives me a headache almost immediately; half the time I feel like I'm gonna pass out. They really have to figure out some way to tone that shit down, I don't really enjoy feeling like a glue huffer every time I go for a ride.
 
I have to wonder, too: Do people really like the smell itself, or do they just like the ideaof buying a new car? I think it just so happens that the new car smell comes in every new car, so people come to "like" it because they associate it with buying one. This must be the case because otherwise I don't know any other way so many people could claim to love a scent which seems to be comprised of equal parts Cheap Carcinogenic Plastic, Toxic Carpet Glue, Armor-All, 1970s Car Air Freshener Tree, and Asbestos-Filled Vacuum Cleaner Bag.
 
It isn't healthy, I tell you! You'd be better off wrapping your lips around the exhaust pipe that sitting in a new car with the windows up. Truth.

2. Money

MoneyAs with most of these, I realize that some people actually LIKE the smell of paper money. The question I have for these people is: Do you know where this money has been? I think if you realized what it was that you were smelling, you wouldn't be such a huge fan of moneysmell.
 
Listen: A man picks his nose, and then goes to the cashier and pays with money. Woman's got a cold? She wipes her snot all over her hand, and then goes up to pay for her groceries WITH MONEY. Little kid digs in his ass because it itches, and then heads up to pay for his pokemon cards WITH MONEY. A man masturbates furiously while sobbing in the men's room and then goes out to pay for some DVDs WITH MONEY. See what you're smelling yet? When I used work retail, customers would always hand us wet dollar bills they'd fish out from in their pants, socks, or even from between their breasts. It happened all the time. So this is what you're touching when you touch money: Penis sweat, semen, snot, spit, sock sweat, and fat woman breast sweat.
 
So if you people like the smell of money, go right ahead and keep sniffing it. I don't care. Enjoy the scent of the combined filth of a hundred generations gathered in one easy-to-vomit-because-of place. But as for me, I think I'll stick to sniffing debit cards.

3. Hospital

Who likes the smell of a hospital? No one that's who.

4. Apartment Hallway

Apartment BuildingAlright, I know I said "popular" smells, and this probably doesn't qualify as popular, but seriously, the hallways in apartments really stink! Anyone who has ever lived in an apartment can attest to this. Every time you come into an apartment building it's like spinning a roulette wheel of foul odors. What's it gonna be today? The sickly-sweet scent of burning macaroni? B.O. mixed with cheap cologne? Wet dog and potpourri? A pot roast someone apparently took a dump on before they put it in the oven? You never know what you'll get!
 
It also doesn't help that they constantly keep the hallways in apartments at a solid 95 degrees. It's especially bad in the winter. You've just climbed 6 flights of stairs in the sweltering heat in your coat, you're just about suffocating from the stifling atmosphere, and then all of a sudden you're overcome by the thick odor of lamb chutney, brown rice, broccoli, with just a hint of urine. Frankly I'm surprised more people don't die of asphyxiation in apartment hallways. It's ridiculous.
 
So in conclusion I believe we should get rid of hallways in all apartment buildings. Thank you.

5. Syrup

SyrupDearest Edna:
Quite often, I find that my hands smell like syrup. I do not understand it. I never have any cause to use syrup. I don't eat pancakes or waffles or oatmeal or anything of the sort. I have tried everything in my power to discover where the the source of this odor, but to no avail. I have traced and retraced the steps of my morning routine, sniffing each object I come across. I have questioned my housemates thoroughly, but none of them claim to have smelled either the odor itself or anything which might be considered it's source. I have even sought the council of various experts in the field of odor (including a member of  the Committee on Odors from Stationary and Mobile Sources for the National Academy of Sciences) but the source of this odor has confounded them as well.
 
I have reached the end of my rope. I fear for my safety and the safety of those around me. Please send help immediately.
Regards,
Lawrence Devlin Esq.

6. Tire Store

Tire StoreI often hear people talking about how much they love the smell of tire stores. Well not me! As SOMEONE WHO HAS NO DESIRE TO LEARN ABOUT FIXING CARS, I don't appreciate the smell of a tire store at all. Not only does it remind me that I pretty much have to own a car, but also that I also have to constantly be purchasing expensive pieces of equipment to keep it running properly.
 
Also, the smell of rubber in a tire store is so strong it's impossible to ignore. So all I can do is sit there grumbling and paging through the piece of crap magazines they always have. Sports illustrated? Car & Driver? What the fuck? Who cares! I'd rather read Bird Fancy than look at that shit.
 
Anyway so I'll be sprawled there in the chair with a throbbing migraine from the tire smell while Oprah blares from the TV, and the mechanic will appear and say, "Well sir, while installing your tires we noticed your Tapcam was out of alignment, so we recommend going ahead and crimping that, unless you want it to fall off while you're on the freeway. Also, your spindle array is grinding up against the filtration tube there, which definitely isn't something you want happening, so we STRONGLY recommend you get that buffed down with a flexion wrench right away. Fire hazard you see."
 
Of course I have no idea what he's talking about, so I'll just sort of look concerned and nod so I don't look like the idiot I am. Then I quickly agree to get all the work done so I can get the hell out of there, as the tire odor is slowly eating away at my brain. A few hours later they'll call me to the desk and tell me what I owe, but I'll be in no condition to respond in any meaningful way.
 
"The colors..." I'll gasp, swooning wide-eyed on the floor as my brain slowly suffocates from noxious tire fumes. They put a pen in my hand and have me "make my mark" on the X. I comply. Then I am dragged out and deposited in the a nearby gutter, where I lay giggling until a policeman picks me up for vagrancy.  
 
I spend the night in jail, and declare bankruptcy the next morning.