World Of Warcraft: An Irrelevant Review

I had been watching a program on television about a game called World Of Warcraft. "That certainly is interesting." I might have been heard to remark after the show had ended, "I do enjoy programs which describe various items of interest; perhaps I should learn more about this particular item." Unfortunately, I was immediately distracted by a commercial for Superman Crunch cereal and forgot what I had just said. The next day the show aired again, and after watching it a second time I decided to write this article.

I. Essence

First, I took a look at a description of the game. This particular synopsis is taken from a Russian television news station's website (FabrikaZvezd 26/74.k64 TV), and was translated into English using an online translator. It has been edited for clarity:

Peace Warcraft!

Novel game story it observes one man'.s cooling journey into mouth of insane.A Certain characters natured journey down the filth Missesipi. is which izbeubezhali slave is involved, being named Jim. Called by women press is beautiful be present on parties upscale, and nailbiting socio-political (-.political(!) intrigues occurs also. Some of people speak; you will not look the horse of gift in the eye. If have heard these statement, you will confidently take pleasure with this film or item.

I'm not sure if this is an entirely accurate description of the game, but it almost should seem like it probably might be.

II. Mechanism

Next, I decided to get my hands on a free trial of this critically verbalsexed piece of software and give it the old college try. I went to blizzard's website and started up their official bittorrent downloader client. Now, it seems only logical to me that Blizzard would use a few of their millions to create a good quality downloader for what could be the biggest game in history. Instead, it seems that what blizzard has actually done is to simply grab a pre-beta of an ALPHA version of the original bare bones bittorrent client, take out all the extra features, and call it their downloader.

Well, actually I'm being a bit harsh on Blizzard. They've actually added one important new feature to the client: The ability not to be able to set a maximum upload speed. Let’s visit FabrikaZvezd 26/74.k64 again for a description of the downloader:

Never once again will you worried about using a basic web browser to look at the websites(L). When you use our that patented downloader Bli?.zzard, we automatically staturape your all the entire connection for you immediately, free of charges. To the game of the responsibilities of new from your perpendicular hatred for laziness and pompous of blizzard. Hail>

Not quite sure what that one’s supposed to mean. Here's a short un-translated open letter to Blizzard from me though: Clean up your act you sons of B’s!


III. Genesis

Prepare to be amazed. If you are a new visitor to the World of Warcraft universe, you will certainly be struck by the sheer depth of the character creator. In fact, it is so grand that it has been reported that many players smell burning hair the first time they attempt to create a character. Safety Notice: If you actually do smell burning hair and there is nothing burning nearby: Seek medical attention immediately, you may be having a stroke. There are no less than 3 different faces and 4 different hairstyles available for each race! I allow a second here for you to pick your jaw up off the floor so I can continue. Seriously folks, when presented with the character creator for the first time I actually had to back away from my computer screen and lie nude on the floor while I wept and radiated joy to all corners of the universe. I stumbled to my feet and lunged violently about the room in a daze, slurring curses and swinging at unseen assailants, my mind intoxicated by blizzard's exhilarating tonic. I have seen the face of God.

For example I decided to create a troll character. Would I choose the frownie troll face with spiky anime hair? Or perhaps the glowering under bite troll with a minutely different style of spiky anime hair would better suit my fancy. Oh my; again I am feeling faint... pull it together. Whew. Anyway, after you craft the “look” of your character, you also must pick a class. There are only a few different classes, it really doesn’t matter what you pick. All the class will affect is which skills you are going to be complaining about when Blizzard patches the game.

Trolls hate attacks
Protip: Trolls hate attacks

IV. Facade

Before a person first “steps” into the world for the first time, they would be wise to put on some sort of ocular protection. This game is obscenely colorful. Imagine eating a casserole which contains an episode of Dragon Ball Z, the old Rankin Bass Hobbit cartoon from the 70’s, and a rainbow float from a gay pride parade. Then imagine projectile vomiting all of the chunky fluid which this would create in your stomach onto your monitor. Most likely, you will have imagined World of Warcraft's graphics.

Kidz Korner:
When they were handing out looks, this game thought they said books, and it said: “Can I have Flowers for Algernon?” It actually turned out that they didn’t have any copies of that particular book left.

But I kid my good friend World of Warcraft. It looks alright for an older game. “Maybe it has a good personality...” the average MMO gamer might be heard to remark as he licks Cheetos dust from his wispy mustache and gently presses two more twinkies into his mouth with the palm of his hand. All in good time, my morbidly obese friend, all in good time... But let us discuss the visuals for a bit longer:

If you have chosen a troll, you will be delighted to find that the wacky spiked hair you’ve chosen for him was even MORE wacky than I you had imagined! The designers, having apparently decided that it was far too difficult and time consuming to create three-dimensional hair, just went on ahead and made the hair a one dimensional in-game sheet of paper, and then folded it across the troll’s head twice like a cardboard burger king crown.


A group of troll bandits guards the road to Tirisifal Glades

I believe this is a slightly less high-tech version of the way the old flat cutout crowds in old Playstation 1 racing games worked. You know, the spectators who watch from the side of the road as you race by. There they will forever linger, and one can't help but feel sorry for the little guys. They would get to me you know, those wretched souls. Eventually I would decide to put them out of their misery.

Of course it would need to look like an accident. Something clean. The back tires conveniently sliding loose on that hairpin turn in front of the stadium. A tiny slip of the wheel at the crest of dead man's hill. Of course it always ended the same way. A thunderous collision with empty space, the car rebounding inches from those good-natured smiles. Curse the wicked architect of those invisible walls! In my dreams, they haunt me still. Those savage faces; grinning wildly like speed-crazed race fan junkies.

I will be strong. Let the pills wash the pain away.

IV. Allure

Now we arrive at what most people would call the most important aspect of any game: Gameplay. My mission was to find out if this particular title was worth the 55+12+12+12~ dollars. What did I find out? Here is what your money buys:

  1. Talk to guy

  2. He says get 15 items by killing (Beasts – Humans – Monsters)

  3. Kill 15 (Beasts – Humans – Monsters)

  4. Kill 53 more (Beasts – Humans – Monsters) because only 1/23 drop the item you need.

  5. Talk to guy again

  6. Guy gives you a shoe/cape/wooden mitten

  7. Repeat

  8. Repeat

  9. Weep

  10. Repeat

  11. Death of joy


And still there exist people, HUMAN BEINGS who do, being of sound body and mind, pledge the entirety of their lives to this wretched and hollow clanking machine! Not a game, but an online fabricated simulacrum of the likeness of a knock-off of a treadmill. And running diligently on this treadmill each day does not bring weight loss and good cheer, no! It is a reverse treadmill (Strike that! Reverse it! Wonka shouts, flailing wildly at a sniveling oompa-loompa). Massive weight gain and an apathy towards relatives and acquaintances are the player’s only bittersweet rewards. Curse you Saruman!

V. Cataclysm

One dismal evening, in the not-too-distant future, you take a shortcut through a shadowed alley. A stooped figure approaches from the darkness. It seems to gaze through you, its hollow bloodshot eyes rimmed with tears. A beam of moonlight breaks through the clouds, revealing the creature's hideous features. Its yellowing skin hangs loosely from protruding cheekbones. The jaw hangs open, revealing a mouth full of jagged white stumps and crackling charcoal tongue. But then... a flash of recognition.

You extend a hand.
It extends a hand.
Your fingers touch a pane of solid glass.
Your mind erupts into brilliant chromatic shards.
The framework of the universe begins to unravel; pulsing and surging around you.
Opposing phantasms of Sublimity and Ruin ravage your fragile soul.
Within the glorious lifenucleus we shall both Succumb and Endure.
And yet...and yet.