Due to the outstanding success of my recently
published article on bucket lists, I decided to “take it to the
streets” and accost complete strangers, jabbing a starter pistol in
their ribs and insisting that they create their own top 10 lists of
“Things to Do Before You Die”.
Not surprisingly, many of them complied, coming up with some
thought-provoking and insightful responses that really made me stop and
consider what it means to be human in this crazy mixed-up world of
ours. Unfortunately I was only able to get in three interviews before I
was shot in the chest and upper thigh by some hero cop who decided I
was breaking some obscure law, but I think you’ll find that the lists I
was able to compile were well worth my arrest and subsequent
arraignment on felony assault and use of facsimile firearm charges.
Due to the outstanding success of my recently
published article on bucket lists, I decided to “take it to the
streets” and accost complete strangers, jabbing a starter pistol in
their ribs and insisting that they create their own top 10 lists of
“Things to Do Before You Die”.
Not surprisingly, many of them complied, coming up with some
thought-provoking and insightful responses that really made me stop and
consider what it means to be human in this crazy mixed-up world of
ours. Unfortunately I was only able to get in three interviews before I
was shot in the chest and upper thigh by some hero cop who decided I
was breaking some obscure law, but I think you’ll find that the lists I
was able to compile were well worth my arrest and subsequent
arraignment on felony assault and use of facsimile firearm charges.
Tony “Bubblegum” Tao
|
Commit insurance fraud
Buy a drink for a recovering alcoholic
Shoot and kill a kangaroo
Pick a fight with a senior citizen
Grow steadily fatter
Spurn the advances of someone beautiful
String piano wire across a bike path
Attribute far more value to my college experiences
than they actually warrant
Have a painfully awkward dinner with a celebrity I
respect
Get felt up by a hirsute man in a foreign nightclub
Randy “Striker” Bishop
|
Knock a child or pet unconscious with a single punch
Dine out with a child predator
Throw someone through a plateglass window
Meet Urkel
Squander countless thousands on a college degree in
a lucrative field I will despise
Masturbate in a zeppelin
Ignore the hired help
Visit the Statue of Liberty, Shrug
Deface a piece of modern art as an expression of
modern art
Shoot my way out of a Denny’s
Thomas “The Knife” Argie
|
Kill a dolphin with my bare hands
Grow a sleazy mustache
Visit the state of Michigan, regret it forever
Disrupt a college toga party with a Molotov Cocktail
Pledge money to a charity with no intention of ever
paying
Take a dump in the Stanley Cup
Spit in a stranger’s soup
Pull a switchblade on an ordained minister
Impregnate someone I care about
Let out a horrifying scream when urinating at a
public toilet
Thanks to everyone who participated!