Worthless Guide to Women: Part 2

Scream

Hello friends! Welcome to part 2 of my Q&A special on women. In this section I will cover some dating and etiquette questions. This section is for straight men, lesbians, and bisexuals only; nobody else is allowed to read it. 


Part 1 - Basics
Part 2 - Dating
Part 3 - Living In

 


Q. How would I go about asking a woman out on a date?


A. Come on, just go up and ask her! What are you, chicken or something?

Oh, you are? In that case, just stand with your hands in your pockets and stare longingly at her from across the room. If she looks in your direction, quickly look away or pretend to yawn. In an ideal situation, she will walk over to you and say “I noticed that you aren’t paying any attention to me, did you want to go out for a date sometime?” and you’re in!




Q. Where should I take a woman on a date?


A. Depending which decade you are living in, I would either take her to: The Ball, the soup kitchen, a speakeasy, a sock hop, a Vietnam War protest, or to see the New Kids On The Block.




New Kids On The Block
Aaaaaeeeeiiiii!!! (Girls Screaming)



Q. Is it a good idea to open doors for a woman when I’m on a date with her?


A. OK, this is an excellent question, and my answer goes for all this type of stuff: Opening restaurant doors, pulling out chairs, opening car doors, and paying the check.

FORGET IT!

Women who want you to do these things are just being lazy and cheap. These grown adult women have spent most of their lives opening their own doors, pulling out their own chairs, and paying for their own food. But take one of these ladies out on a date and all of a sudden she’s a cripple!

Listen sweetie, if you can’t even open a door on your own, then maybe what we should do is to have your date push you around in a stroller through a park and then take you to see the polar bears at the zoo. Alternatively, you could start acting like an adult and pull out your own damn chair.



Car Leaning Man



Q. “Heeeeey baby! Whoooooooooooooooo! Daddy likes! Owww!” (I always yell stuff like this out my car window at hot women who I see on the sidewalk. I rule!)


A. I’m not sure what your success rate in getting a date this way is, but I suppose it can’t hurt. I encourage the rest of you to try this. You might also try throwing crumpled up dollar bills or condoms at the woman as well.




Q. How can I get a woman to have sex with me?


A. Uhh, well depending on what you look like, there are a few options. Both men and women can be divided into classes (listed here in descending order of attractiveness). Find which class you're in, and read the personalized advice on how to get some free (for the most part) love:



Sorbo
Tier 1: Demigod
1. Ask any woman to do anything and she probably will do so within the hour

2. Go about your everyday life, and women will approach and ask YOU to go to bed
 Clive
Tier 2: Very Attractive
1. Date any woman who is Tier 3 or below (This would mean Tiers 3-5) for at least 3 days and then ask her to have sex with you

2.  Tell a Tier 2 that you love her and then ask her to "have some fun" with you the next day
Cruise
Tier 3: Average
Same as Tier 2, just move down one Tier for each tactic.
Panic
Tier 4: Ugly
1. Get married to or date another Tier 4 for at least a year

2. Hire a “lady of the night”

3. Serve your special lady a GHB Cocktail (Illegal; Not recommended)

3. Go for the mystery box (a Tier 5)
Nosferatu
Tier 5: Oh Sweet Christ; WHAT IS IT?!
Break free of those chains, and then we’ll talk.




Q. How do I know which Tier I’m in?


A. Don’t play dumb. You know very well what tier you’re in. If you insist that you don’t, just try out each of the options I have given you, working your way up from the Tier 5 tactics. When a tactic doesn’t work, move down one tier, and that’s your tier.



Date



That's the end of this section on Dating Women. The next and final section will cover life with women, this is in case you have accidentally married one or are just living with one.

Continue to Part 3