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I would do something special in honor of this being the last week of
weird news in 2009, but I use the Mayan calendar so technically this
isn't even the new year for me. But on the bright side, I only have to
do about 2 more years of these until the world comes to an end, which
is nice.
 
Anyway: This week's post features horse grooming tips, walmart riots,
sexy Fast & The Furious fanfiction, and wholly capitalized musings
on thug
romance.

 

Weird News Stories of The Week

Man
Kills Dog, Runs Naked Through Tennis Club While Pouring Hot Coffee on
Self

Deputies got the first call about the man at 4:30 a.m.
Wednesday when
there were reports of a loud radio at his apartment. Amormino said
deputies believe he jumped from a third-story window to get away.
 
Just after 6 a.m. Judy Donnelley called to say a "strange" man had
approached her, and when her 5-year-old mini schnauzer named Coco
intervened, the man killed the dog, hitting, choking and "repeatedly
beating her on asphalt in front of me."
 
Minutes later, other callers reported a naked man running through the
Rancho San Clemente Tennis Club and pouring hot coffee on his head.
That's where deputies caught up with him.

Thieves
Steal Six Baby Jesuses

Several neighbors in the University Estates neighborhood in
east Orange
County are angry after thieves snatched at least six baby Jesus figures
from their Christmas nativity scenes.
 
Some neighbors thought it was a prank at first, but were shocked to
learn they weren’t the only ones. “I couldn’t believe it, it’s
ridiculous, I mean why just go and steal just the baby Jesus?” said
Scott Gerry.
 
One family in the neighborhood replaced their missing Jesus with a
drawing. Another family borrowed a neighbor’s doll to make their
Christmas scene complete. Bob Cekala was the first neighbor to notice
the heist. “The cradle was turned over and, when I looked at the
cradle, there was no Jesus in it," Cekala said.

Bar
Sued Over Falling Moose Head

A New York woman's lawsuit against a bar claims she
suffered injuries
and "embarrassment" when a stuffed moose head fell from a wall and
struck her on the head. Raina Kumra's lawsuit, filed in New York
Supreme Court, says she was in the White Slab Palace at about 1 a.m.
Oct. 2 when the mounted moose head "dislodged and struck plaintiff on
the head," the New York Post reported Wednesday.
 
"The taxidermy moose head weighed approximately 150 pounds, with
antlers spanning over three feet," the court papers said.

The suit states Kumra suffered "chronic neck pain" in addition to other
"severe personal injuries," including "embarrassment."

Funeral
Home Offers Free Burial For Drunk Drivers

Between now and noon Thursday, drivers can visit McGuire,
Jennings and
Miller Funeral Home in Rome to sign a contract stating they plan to
drink or take drugs and then drive on New Year's Eve. If they die in a
wreck that day, the funeral home will give them a free burial.

Services included in the package are a casket, grave, limousine and
preparation of remains.

Surprise!
Something Insane Happens at a Walmart

[An off duty officer] saw a man trying to force his way
past a greeter
with about $2,000 worth of stolen goods Sunday night. Wright displayed
his badge, but the man said it was fake and tried to force his way past
him. Wright then tackled the suspect and arrested him.

Then the suspect's wife, feigned a heart attack and said she did not
know her husband.

After a witness told Wright the couple had been together in the store,
the wife followed the witness into the parking lot and attacked her.
The witness stabbed her in the arm with a pocket knife, and the wife
had to be treated at a local hospital. The male suspect was charged
with theft over $1,000 and assault on a police officer. Charges against
the wife were pending.

Severed
Lamb's Head Found in IKEA Microwave

IKEA spokeswoman Kitalena Mason said a worker told
management about "a
small lamb's head found in the kitchen area of our showroom." She said
the head was removed and the area cleaned. Store security tapes did not
show the area clearly enough for police, who said they have no suspects.

The newspaper said no one reported lambs being killed in the area, and
noted such animal body parts are available at nearby international
markets.

Shitty Webpage of The Week

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I am sure you have heard of fanfiction. And you might have seen a few
examples of fanfiction before. You may have even read some Fast &
The Furious fanfiction in your internet travels (though I doubt it).
But I am fairly certain you've never read any which reimagines the
characters played by Paul Walker & Vin Diesel as a pair of
repressed homosexuals. Am I correct? But wait, it gets better. The
stories range from dull, 10,000-word slogs describing the monotony of
the character's everyday lives in detail to breathless,
sexually-explicit romance pieces featuring inner-monologues where Paul
Walker broods about forbidden love while groping Vin Diesel in the
backseat of a Neon Green Toyota Celica with a large wing spoiler.

Uh huh.

But to me, the most interesting thing about this site is how well
written it is. Most fanfiction is the sort of thing you'd expect a
mentally challenged third-grader to pound out at the height of a Wild
Cherry Pepsi binge, but this particular set of stories seems to be the
work of a somewhat troubled adult of slightly above average
intelligence, which is fairly uncommon. It is also highly unsettling.

See for yourself, here's a short excerpt from one of the "Adult"
stories (which I have censored slightly):

Brian
only had enough time to recognize the intent in Dom’s eyes before Dom
lowered his head, closing the distance between them until their lips
touched...he slid his tongue
across Brian’s lips, and Brian moaned, reaching for Dom’s arm for
something firm to hold onto so his knees didn’t collapse under him.

Dom’s
chuckle vibrated against Brian’s lips, and then Brian parted them and
Dom’s tongue slipped between them. Dom brought his other arm up and
placed his hand on Brian’s ass, pulling him in even closer. Their
groins met, and Dom’s hardness pressed into Brian’s hip. Brian’s ****
swelled in his jeans in response. Brian pressed against Dom and touched
his tongue to Dom’s.

Dom went crazy at the light touch. He
angled Brian’s head and deepened the kiss as he held Brian close, their
tongues dancing together as Dom’s hand kneaded Brian’s ass. Brian made
noises that he might be embarrassed about later as he clutched at Dom
and ground into him.

They kissed until they were forced to reluctantly break for air.

Goodnight everybody!

Video of The Week



 

Product of The Week

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As I'm sure many of you are aware, I own and operate a horse boudoir
photography showroom with my three world champion showhorses (Ghosty,
Sargent. Gene, & Stone Cold Steve Austin). I love my horses to
death, but it certainly was a chore raising the three of them from
pups, especially in my dangerous inner-city apartment complex. But I
got through it, mostly thanks to this book (Grooming To Win: How to
Groom, Trim, Braid and Prepare Your Horse for Show). Without this handy
guide, I'm positive that my babies wouldn't have won the fourteen
erotic animal photography championships they did.
 
There are some sections I could do without (the portions on dressage
and western riding are dull and needlessly lengthy!), but over all,
this book is a great resource for those who have a vested interest in
the grooming of horses. Why, there's even a section on massage, and I'd
hazard a guess that you'd be hard-pressed to find another horse
grooming book that provides this at such a reasonable price.
 
 

All Caps Customer Review(s) of The Week SPECIAL EDITION

This week I'm featuring a number of reviews from a very special Amazon
reviewer: Emile
Cline Jr "TANYAKA'S BOOK"
Image removed.. Emile loves all sorts of
books, and has reviewed 9 paperbacks ranging in subject from Thug
Romance to Thug Lifestyle. Let's have a look at some of her most useful
write-ups (SPOILER
WARNING FOR FANS OF THG LITERATURE!!
):

Stackin' Paper 2 Genesis' Payback

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Thug Matrimony

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Queen Bitch: Part 4 (Bitch Series)

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And we out.