I would do something special in honor of this being the last week of weird news in 2009, but I use the Mayan calendar so technically this isn't even the new year for me. But on the bright side, I only have to do about 2 more years of these until the world comes to an end, which is nice.
Anyway: This week's post features horse grooming tips, walmart riots, sexy Fast & The Furious fanfiction, and wholly capitalized musings on thug romance.
Weird News Stories of The WeekMan Kills Dog, Runs Naked Through Tennis Club While Pouring Hot Coffee on Self
Deputies got the first call about the man at 4:30 a.m. Wednesday when there were reports of a loud radio at his apartment. Amormino said deputies believe he jumped from a third-story window to get away.Thieves Steal Six Baby Jesuses
Just after 6 a.m. Judy Donnelley called to say a "strange" man had approached her, and when her 5-year-old mini schnauzer named Coco intervened, the man killed the dog, hitting, choking and "repeatedly beating her on asphalt in front of me."
Minutes later, other callers reported a naked man running through the Rancho San Clemente Tennis Club and pouring hot coffee on his head. That's where deputies caught up with him.
Several neighbors in the University Estates neighborhood in east Orange County are angry after thieves snatched at least six baby Jesus figures from their Christmas nativity scenes.
Some neighbors thought it was a prank at first, but were shocked to learn they weren’t the only ones. “I couldn’t believe it, it’s ridiculous, I mean why just go and steal just the baby Jesus?” said Scott Gerry.
One family in the neighborhood replaced their missing Jesus with a drawing. Another family borrowed a neighbor’s doll to make their Christmas scene complete. Bob Cekala was the first neighbor to notice the heist. “The cradle was turned over and, when I looked at the cradle, there was no Jesus in it," Cekala said.
Bar Sued Over Falling Moose Head
A New York woman's lawsuit against a bar claims she suffered injuries and "embarrassment" when a stuffed moose head fell from a wall and struck her on the head. Raina Kumra's lawsuit, filed in New York Supreme Court, says she was in the White Slab Palace at about 1 a.m. Oct. 2 when the mounted moose head "dislodged and struck plaintiff on the head," the New York Post reported Wednesday.Funeral Home Offers Free Burial For Drunk Drivers
"The taxidermy moose head weighed approximately 150 pounds, with antlers spanning over three feet," the court papers said.
The suit states Kumra suffered "chronic neck pain" in addition to other "severe personal injuries," including "embarrassment."
Between now and noon Thursday, drivers can visit McGuire, Jennings and Miller Funeral Home in Rome to sign a contract stating they plan to drink or take drugs and then drive on New Year's Eve. If they die in a wreck that day, the funeral home will give them a free burial.Surprise! Something Insane Happens at a Walmart
Services included in the package are a casket, grave, limousine and preparation of remains.
[An off duty officer] saw a man trying to force his way past a greeter with about $2,000 worth of stolen goods Sunday night. Wright displayed his badge, but the man said it was fake and tried to force his way past him. Wright then tackled the suspect and arrested him.Severed Lamb's Head Found in IKEA Microwave
Then the suspect's wife, feigned a heart attack and said she did not know her husband.
After a witness told Wright the couple had been together in the store, the wife followed the witness into the parking lot and attacked her. The witness stabbed her in the arm with a pocket knife, and the wife had to be treated at a local hospital. The male suspect was charged with theft over $1,000 and assault on a police officer. Charges against the wife were pending.
IKEA spokeswoman Kitalena Mason said a worker told management about "a small lamb's head found in the kitchen area of our showroom." She said the head was removed and the area cleaned. Store security tapes did not show the area clearly enough for police, who said they have no suspects.
The newspaper said no one reported lambs being killed in the area, and noted such animal body parts are available at nearby international markets.
Shitty Webpage of The Week
The Fast & The Furious : Starting Over (Fast & The Furious Fanfiction)
I am sure you have heard of fanfiction. And you might have seen a few examples of fanfiction before. You may have even read some Fast & The Furious fanfiction in your internet travels (though I doubt it). But I am fairly certain you've never read any which reimagines the characters played by Paul Walker & Vin Diesel as a pair of repressed homosexuals. Am I correct? But wait, it gets better. The stories range from dull, 10,000-word slogs describing the monotony of the character's everyday lives in detail to breathless, sexually-explicit romance pieces featuring inner-monologues where Paul Walker broods about forbidden love while groping Vin Diesel in the backseat of a Neon Green Toyota Celica with a large wing spoiler.
But to me, the most interesting thing about this site is how well written it is. Most fanfiction is the sort of thing you'd expect a mentally challenged third-grader to pound out at the height of a Wild Cherry Pepsi binge, but this particular set of stories seems to be the work of a somewhat troubled adult of slightly above average intelligence, which is fairly uncommon. It is also highly unsettling.
See for yourself, here's a short excerpt from one of the "Adult" stories (which I have censored slightly):
Brian only had enough time to recognize the intent in Dom’s eyes before Dom lowered his head, closing the distance between them until their lips touched...he slid his tongue across Brian’s lips, and Brian moaned, reaching for Dom’s arm for something firm to hold onto so his knees didn’t collapse under him.Goodnight everybody!
Dom’s chuckle vibrated against Brian’s lips, and then Brian parted them and Dom’s tongue slipped between them. Dom brought his other arm up and placed his hand on Brian’s ass, pulling him in even closer. Their groins met, and Dom’s hardness pressed into Brian’s hip. Brian’s **** swelled in his jeans in response. Brian pressed against Dom and touched his tongue to Dom’s.
Dom went crazy at the light touch. He angled Brian’s head and deepened the kiss as he held Brian close, their tongues dancing together as Dom’s hand kneaded Brian’s ass. Brian made noises that he might be embarrassed about later as he clutched at Dom and ground into him.
They kissed until they were forced to reluctantly break for air.
Video of The Week
Product of The Week
Grooming To Win: How to Groom, Trim, Braid, and Prepare Your Horse for Show
As I'm sure many of you are aware, I own and operate a horse boudoir photography showroom with my three world champion showhorses (Ghosty, Sargent. Gene, & Stone Cold Steve Austin). I love my horses to death, but it certainly was a chore raising the three of them from pups, especially in my dangerous inner-city apartment complex. But I got through it, mostly thanks to this book (Grooming To Win: How to Groom, Trim, Braid and Prepare Your Horse for Show). Without this handy guide, I'm positive that my babies wouldn't have won the fourteen erotic animal photography championships they did.
There are some sections I could do without (the portions on dressage and western riding are dull and needlessly lengthy!), but over all, this book is a great resource for those who have a vested interest in the grooming of horses. Why, there's even a section on massage, and I'd hazard a guess that you'd be hard-pressed to find another horse grooming book that provides this at such a reasonable price.
All Caps Customer Review(s) of The Week SPECIAL EDITIONThis week I'm featuring a number of reviews from a very special Amazon reviewer: Emile Cline Jr "TANYAKA'S BOOK". Emile loves all sorts of books, and has reviewed 9 paperbacks ranging in subject from Thug Romance to Thug Lifestyle. Let's have a look at some of her most useful write-ups (SPOILER WARNING FOR FANS OF THG LITERATURE!!):
Stackin' Paper 2 Genesis' Payback
Queen Bitch: Part 4 (Bitch Series)
And we out.