Weird News & Links (Week of 12.06.09)

 Weird News Jedi
Wouldn't you know it, another week has gone by. Yes, time certainly does continue to move forward in a uniform fashion. And if you've got a few minutes of it free, go ahead and read on to see what's happened in the world of unimportant news in the last 50% of a fortnight. But hey, if you're busy or something, you can probably just go ahead and close the browser window right now. In fact, I hope you do. Come on, do it. Do it! I'm serious: do it. Go. Go! Leave this website and never come back! I don't need you around to have a good time, I can have fun all by myself! I'm a one man party I tell you!
 
Wait, come back, I changed my mind! Oh god. Please god no. I can't do this by myself. Please don't leave me here all alone.
 
It's so very lonely here...
 

Weird News of The Week

Special "Assault With Food" Edition

 
Employee Apologizes for Licking Chickens, Urinating into Trash
Adeel Ayub, 60, apologized for his actions in the videos, which were taken before he left the company in 2006, after supermarket chain Asda said it was investigating his actions at the [store]. The videos include footage of Ayub licking raw chickens that were returned to shelves, urinating into a trash bin, destroying awards earned by the store, slashing coworkers' clothing and setting off fire extinguishers.
Drunken Woman Passes Out on Horse In Holiday Parade
A woman has posted $500 bond on a charge of public intoxication after police said she passed out on a horse she rode in the Shelbyville Christmas parade. According to the Shelbyville Times-Gazette, a 46-year-old woman was found slumped over on her horse outside a motel.
Husband Arrested for Rubbing Burger in Wife's Face
A 25-year-old Port St. Lucie man was arrested for allegedly rubbing a hamburger on his wife's face during an argument. Police said [he] and his wife got into it late Thursday night and started calling each other names. At some point, the woman apparently poured soda on Boss' hamburger, causing him to grab the sandwich, rub it in her face and start throwing food.
Girlfriend Pours Boiling Grits on Sleeping Man
Investigators said [the woman] is accused of dumping the pot of hot grits on the victim, who was not named, after the two had a heated argument about breaking up and he went to bed. "She came into the room and apparently dumped a huge pot of hot grits on the victim," St. Charles Parish Sheriff's Sgt. Dwayne LaGrange said.
Woman Arrested For Slapping Disabled Man With Steak
A 53-year-old was arrested after allegedly hitting a man in the head with a raw steak. According to a Marion County Sheriff's Office report, the man told deputies [the woman] repeatedly hit him with the uncooked meat and slapped his face after he refused a piece of sliced bread. The man said he wanted a bread roll.
 
[The woman] denied hitting the man with the steak but did admit to slapping him, saying she did it "so that he could learn."
Man Dresses as Mother, Attempts Withdrawal at Bank
Tita Nyambi, 25, was still at the Chase Bank in Franklin, in Somerset County, when police arrived Monday afternoon. Tellers called to report that a man wearing women's clothes and speaking in a high pitched voice was trying to withdraw money through the bank's drive-through window.

Franklin police Sgt. Philip Rizzo said [the man] was wearing his mother's pink blouse, her black coat and head scarf.

Beloved Image of The Week

Fools Pitied: 12,3421
 

Fantasy Photography Webpage of The Week

Phantasy

These guys are great at what they do. I needed to turn a photo I had of me sitting nude on a sawhorse into a picture of me perched atop a giant beercan in full fairy regalia on short notice, and they really pulled through for me. Thank a lot fellas!
 
 

Youtube Video of The Week

 

 

Product of The Week

Hyperdimensional Bullshit
 

A real life time machine for only 600 dollars! Sounds too good to be true right? Well it isn't! Here's how it works:
The Hyper Dimensional Resonator is one of the most advanced instruments of it's kind in the entire world. An advanced Psychotropic [sic] two dial, one bank unit that has many uses. It is primarily designed as an astral projection/time machine and unlimited white light generator. The unit comes with a witness well, rubbing plate, multidimensional stabilizer, clear switch, power switch, and time-coil. It is the only unit of it's kind in the world. If you have ever had difficulties astral projecting then this device can help you to succeed. Strictly a research tool.

The unit works similar to a radionic unit. The two dials are tuned radionically to the date and time you wish to travel to. The time coil headband sends the vibrational energy of that time into your third eye. After this is done for 5-10 minutes, you meditate and your astral body should be transported to the date and time you chose. If you have done the procedure on a grid point or vortex, you may even be physically transported in time. The unit comes with complete written instructions for proper use.

All Caps Amazon Customer Review of The Week

Limp Bizkit - Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water
Customer Review