Weird News & Links (Week of 10.25.09)

This week's news roundup is dedicated to the fall holiday which most closely coincides with the date I am posting it. I will not say what this holiday is (to do so would be a blatant and desperate ploy for increased incidental readership), but it's a pretty decent one based on the idea of kids eating a bunch of garbage they got for free by begging while dressed like idiots. I respect this holiday so much in fact, that I've decided to post only news stories relating to it this week in celebration of it.
Well, either that, or I''ll put in a bunch of unrelated crap somewhat related to Christianity. (Also I have permanently changed the title of this series to "Weird News" because I kept forgetting how to spell "Bizarre" and it is harder to type.)

Weird News Stories of The Week

Mother Turns Home Where Sons Burned Alive Into Haunted House
"On May 29, [her sons] were overcome by smoke and heat in a bathroom inside the burning home. [The children] and a puppy were found unconscious after they got lost while crawling behind their grandmother to escape the flames. They were transported to Arrowhead Regional Medical Center where they died at 1:22 a.m. The puppy also died."
Amputee Shoplifts One Shoe
"Police said a one-legged suspect was caught after only one shoe went missing in a store in Belgium. An amputee was an immediate suspect when a store attendant found one shoe missing from [the] shop."
Suspected Zombie Orders Food, is Punched in Face
"A man was ordering food when he was approached by another man who called him a zombie, then hit him in the eye. When the victim tried to call police on his cell phone, the man punched him again, breaking his nose."
Fake Colonel Sanders Sneaks into UN, Shakes Hands With President of General Assembly
"Dressed in the fast food icon's familiar white suit and black bow tie, the actor evaded tight security to gain access to the restricted areas of the complex. As part of its campaign to promote a new menu range, the [restaurant was apparently] "lobbying" the UN for the fictional Grilled Nation to be accepted as a member state."
Tennessee Bestiality Law Tested in 3 Recent Cases
"Three people stand accused of engaging in sex acts with farm animals [in the state]. A youth football coach was already under investigation for child rape when police reportedly found images of bestiality on his cell phone, and in Nashville, police charged a man and a woman after a tipster turned over photos of them having sexual contact with a dog."
Burglar Forces Old Woman To Make Sandwich, Watch Him Masturbate
"A 39-year-old man has confessed to breaking into the home of an elderly woman early Monday in Fort Worth, Texas, and forcing her to watch as he performed a sex act on himself, police said. [He] also ordered the 77-year-old woman to make him a sandwich before he fled with her cell phone, police said."

Beloved Image of The Week

Hand Netflix

Low-Budget Webpage of The Week

Christian Faith - Freedom From Sexual Addiction

The portion of the site I have chosen is dedicated to allowing people to share the way that god or saint jesus or whoever helped them overcome the curse of "SEXUAL ADDICTION". They feature titles like "Out of the Curse of Whoredom" and are extremely interesting at worst and highly entertaining at best.
Here are a few choice excerpts:

Delivered from Homosexuality

Hello I an 18 year old man. I play the keyboard and always grew up in the Church. I say I dont have a gay personality, but I believe that if a man asked me to have sex with him I would. I have never had sex with anyone. I know that have a evil spirit because I dream about men.

Out of Lesbian Compromise

I asked her, in the line of conversation, whether she was a 'lights-on' person or a 'lights-off' person during sexual activity. She paused, then said, 'Lights-off.' I turned off the literal light as well as the light of God and fell into awkward carnal sin. Even as we sinned, I felt fear and revulsion. I also felt something leave me; but I felt strangely compelled to continue. Neither of us felt any measurable enjoyment, but we convinced ourselves and one another that we did.

Delivered From Pornography

Since I was 7 yrs old I was in bondage to pornography I'm 40 yrs old and was delivered from that bondage when I was 37.

One day while my wife was at work and my little boy was sleeping in his room I watched 2 hours of the playboy channel and found myself never being fulfilled I had had enough ... so as I was preparing dinner I was cutting onions I put the blade to my wrist ... then that is when the Lord spoke to me as I put the blade to my wrist... He said "YOU DONT [sp] HAVE THAT RIGHT TO TAKE YOUR LIFE, ONLY I HAVE THAT RIGHT SO PUT THE KNIFE DOWN GO INTO YOUR BEDROOM AND GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND ASK ME TO DELIVER YOU THE RIGHT WAY LIKE A REAL MAN! I HAVE HEARD RANDAL'S PLEA FOR DELIVERENCE [sp] AND REPENTENCE [sp] AND I WILL NOW RELEASE HIM FROM HIS BONDAGE. I HAVE GREAT PLANS FOR HIM BECAUSE OF HIS EARNEST PRAYER BUT HE MUST BE PATIENT."

Youtube Video of The Week


Product of The Week

Post-Rapture Dog Tags - 4$

Is there a better way to celebrate the impending culmination of a self-important life squandered in supposed service of a blatantly nonexistent deity due to a ridiculous event which will certainly never occur than by purchasing a shitty 4 dollar key chain from religious profiteers?
I sure can't think of one.
Here's the pitch (edited to lessen the efficacy of the preaching):
Hope for those left for those who don’t want to be!

We believe that there will indeed be *** during the period called the ******. And, we earnestly **** that some will find their way because of WhooshKlinx™ [OUR PRODUCT WHICH WE ARE SELLING] they have found after the *****. The truth of the matter is that getting ****ed during the ****** will not be easy. If you are unwilling to accept **** now, how will you be able to accept [he/she/it/them] when it may mean the **** of ***** and ***? So, today is the ** of ****. Right now is the time to be *****. To learn more, **** and **** us.

**** you.


All Caps Amazon Customer Review of The Week

Left Behind #1 (Book)


And so ends this week's link roundup in which I somewhat unintentionally set about making fun of a number of religious ideas, lifestyles, and products. If you were offended by any of this feel free to bite a pillow or punch a ball of black clay or kick your pregnant wife in the womb whatever it is that you religious people who get worked up over what godless morons like me post on shitty websites do.
Peace be with you.
Photo Credits
[1] [2]