There are certain types of hats that only old men can wear. Fedoras,
for example. If you see an old man wearing a fedora, you'd probably
think "Look at that old man in his fedora, I bet he used to wear that
in the 50s!" but if you saw a 20 year old wearing one, your thoughts
would almost certainly be along the lines of "Hey, check out that
asshole the fedora. Who he think he is, Humphrey Bogart?"
I think my point is that we all wear different hats in life (Baker,
Communist Dictator, Avant Garde Beard Trimmer) but no hat is so
important as the hat a father dons the day his child is born (the hat
of fatherhood). This hat is often a harbinger of male postpartum
depression, so be sure and keep a close eye on the man, for the time
And now the news.
WEIRD NEWS STORIES OF THE WEEK
A video of smoking [2-Year-Old] toddler is sparking outrage
on the web.
His parents say Rizal throws a tantrum when they refuse to give him a
cigarette. His father gave him his first smoke when he was just 18
months old. The smoking toddler was witnessed by a reporter who
recently visited his home in the fishing village of Musi Banyuasin, in
Indonesia's South Sumatra province.
"I'm not worried about his health, he looks healthy," shrugged the
boy's father Mohammad Rizal. "He cries and throws tantrums when we
don't let him smoke. He's addicted."
An man accused of trying to steal dirty diapers from a home
sentenced to 30 months of probation. [The man] was detained by the
homeowner after entering an Amherst home last September. A Portage
County sheriff's deputy found six dirty diapers in his pockets.
The complaint said he entered the house because he likes to wear
diapers and thought there might be some in the house. According to the
complaint, when asked whether he intended to steal dirty diapers, the
man said "yes."
Three people kept a 65-year-old woman with dementia locked
in a tiny
room with a urine-soaked mattress to sleep on and a dog bowl to drink
from so that they could live off her monthly Social Security checks,
authorities said. A police officer sent to the suspects' home in
Anderson on Thursday found [the woman] locked in the 6-foot by 8-foot
storage room, police said in a probable cause affidavit.
Carroll said the trio allegedly let her out of the room once a month
and accompanied her to a store where she cashed her monthly check. He
said they only gave her enough money to buy a pack of cigarettes.
A Washington state man accidentally discharged his gun at a
Improvement store and shot himself in the testicles, police said.
Lynnwood police spokeswoman Shannon Sessions said the man was shopping
at about 12:30 p.m. Sunday when his gun, which was in the waistband of
his pants, went off in an apparent "accidental discharge," The Seattle
Times reported Tuesday.
"It made a loud noise and scared a lot of people in the store,"
Sessions said. "I believe he shot himself in the testicles and he also
had some injuries to his leg and foot. He was obviously in shock."
Rehoboth Beach in Delaware isn't a topless beach - but a
transgender men caused a stir by treating it like one. Police say
passers-by complained after the men removed their tops and revealed
their surgically enhanced breasts over Memorial Day weekend. A
lifeguard asked them to put their tops back on. The men initially
refused, but covered up before police arrived.
Even if they hadn't, though, Police Chief Keith Banks notes the men
were doing nothing illegal. Since they have male genitalia, they can't
be charged with indecent exposure for showing their breasts. Banks says
there's no need for a specific law to address the issue.
Authorities say a used car dealer is headed to prison for
despite attempting to place a voodoo hex on prosecutors handling his
case in Los Angeles. Thirty-four-year-old Ruben Hernandez was sentenced
Wednesday to 12 years after being convicted of using false Social
Security information and bank statements to buy properties.
Authorities searching his home found a shrine with voodoo dolls dunked
headfirst in cups of water with pins in their eyes. Officials say the
case number and names of the prosecutor and investigators were written
on the dolls.
Hernandez was convicted in May on four counts of filing a false
application and three counts of grand theft.
Funeral directors in New Zealand say they are keeping an
eye out for a
man spotted crashing multiple funerals for the free food.
"He was showing up to funeral after funeral and, without a doubt, he
didn't know the deceased," Langstraat said. He said the man, described
as in his 40s, was respectably dressed and behaved as a mourner would
until the time came to eat. "Certainly, he had a backpack with some
Tupperware containers so, when people weren't looking, he was stocking
up," Langstraat said.
Tony Garing, president of the Funeral Directors Association, said it
would be difficult to legally ban someone from a funeral home.
"If it's in a church, or even in a funeral home, if a notice has been
published in the paper it's essentially a public event," he said.
LAUGHABLY OVERPRICED FUTUREGADGET OF THE WEEK
You may have seen this thing floating around on the "overpriced shit
nobody needs" blogs lately, and you may have said to yourself, "Why,
it's a house fan!" But as you'll see, this is no ordinary fan: It looks
slightly different, seems somewhat futuristic, and costs a lot of
money. And while this may be enough to win over most causal gadget
purchasers, the skeptics among you may immediately dismiss this
product as a gimmicky, well-marketed, overengineered, & wholly
unnecessary piece of plastic whose sole reason for existing is to
separate easily manipulated "high-tech" consumers from the contents of
their stainless steel wallets.
As usual, I leave it up to you to judge. Here are the features:
of bladeless. There's still a small fan in the base
sucks in air and blows it into the FUTURE RING OF THE FUTURE,
is then deflected towards you. Still, it does solve the age-old problem
of dangerous, exposed fan blades. Another solution might be to invent
some sort of cage which would stop objects or small children from
entering the blades while still allowing air to pass through unimpeded.
Hey, I can dream can't I?
What is buffeting? Well according to Dyson, "Buffeting is caused
conventional fan blades chop the air before it hits you". This is why,
when you sit in front of a regular fan, you feel an intense "thup thup
thup thup thup thup thupping" on your face causing loss of balance,
sleeplessness, and an inability to concentrate on anything except for
the relentless pummeling you are receiving from the fan. This is all
due to buffeting. What do you mean "you never noticed that before and
it sounds like absurdist marketing speak?" Obviously you are mistaken.
The materials from Dyson clearly state that buffeting is a real thing.
Why would they make something like that up? I am personally offended by
your accusations against this fine company.
It's pretty clear from the promotional photos that the Dyson fan
quiet. I mean look at it, it looks like a magnifying glass or a
butterfly net or something. Those are usually pretty quiet, right? So
just how quiet is the Dyson fan? Probably less quiet than a vacuum,
that's for sure! Just have a look at a few (actual) quotes from
I own this Dyson fan - no doubt it will end up in the
Modern Art. It is a beauty but the noise is terrible. I just wonder at
the great effort to design this unit but to forget the most important
part of the fan. Anyone I show it to immediately remarks on the noise.
I kept it on its beauty alone.
I have very severe allergies and I cannot stand next to a
fan for more than a few minutes. On the other hand, the airflow from
this particular design doesn't bother me at all...However, I really
cannot get over the noise it makes. Is not so much the loudness (other
fans are much louder) but the type of noise it makes. I find it
irritating at even the lowest setting.
The fluid dynamics of it are admittedly neat, but the
of the rest of the machine is where it falls flat for me. To keep it
short, it hums. [The] noise, that constant hum--It's the kind of noise
I find difficult to tune out when I'm trying to relax, sleep or work.
I realize that "whisper quiet" was not a claim that the
made, but I was still surprised by how noisy it was, to the point that
it had to be turned off during phone calls, which was the deciding
factor in sending it back. For a third of the $300 price tag, I
replaced it with a Vornado air circulator, which does the same job, and
at a tolerable noise level.
But none of these amazing features would matter in the least if the
Dyson Air Multiplier was cockpunchingly overpriced. Thankfully, the
engineering (and marketing!) geniuses over at Dyson have settled upon
an honest price which is fair for everyone involved: $300. That's no
more expensive than approximately three hundred cups of fairly
inexpensive coffee! Well, I'm sold. Forget Playstation 3. Dyson air
multiplier, here I come!
VIDEO OF THE WEEK
ALL CAPS CUSTOMER REVIEW OF THE WEEK
Welp, that about wraps up this week's edition of "shit I couldn't
really fit in anywhere else". Fare thee well.