This week in reasonably interesting and mildly offbeat news: Yo-Yo championship fraud, alleged gropings by the handicapped, the gospel according to multiple felons, elderly crack dealers, Toby Keith's filthy molester mustache, & how to tell if you're a vampire.
WEIRD NEWS STORIES OF THE WEEKFake Yo-Yo Champion Cons TV News Programs
Four Wisconsin TV stations and a Missouri station said they were tricked into putting a man on air who claimed to be a yo-yo champion. [The stations] said they received e-mails purporting to be from a man named Joe Guehrke, saying he represented ZimZam Yo-Yo, "the world's first 'green'" non-profit toy company and a man whose name was variously given as Kenny Strasser, Kenny Strassburg and K-Strass, the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel reported Tuesday.Police: Gospel Singers Robbed Churches
The e-mails claimed Strasser was a runner-up for Rookie of the Year in 1995, grand champion at the Pensacola Regional and was nominated for the Walt Greenberg Award in 2000. However, the stations said they later discovered there is no Walt Greenberg Award for yo-yo and there is no evidence to suggest Pensacola, Fla., ever hosted a tournament.
"He did some really lame things. He hit himself in the face and the groin with his yo-yo," Blevins said. Lisa Malak, an anchor for "Sunday Morning" on WFRV in Green Bay, said Strasser showed up for a segment April 11 and forgot to bring his yo-yo string.
Two gospel singers are facing multiple charges after authorities say they played uplifting music for several Georgia churches, then stole some $100,000 worth of speakers, microphones and other musical equipment.Alleged Groping Blamed on Cerebral Palsy
Washington County Sheriff Thomas H. Smith [says] authorities had been investigating nine break-ins at churches in central Georgia over the past several months. He says a tipster told authorities the pair might be linked to the break-ins and authorities executing a search warrant found musical equipment in the men's homes and cars.
A New York lawyer accused of grabbing a judge's inner thigh and buttocks says the incident was a result of spastic movements from his cerebral palsy. [The defendant] who uses a wheelchair, was charged with sexual abuse and sexual harassment for allegedly touching the female Taxi and Limousine Commission judge inappropriately during a meeting at her office, the New York Daily News reported Wednesday.87-Year-Old Woman Arrested For Selling Crack
[The man's lawyer] said his client admits to touching the judge, but the action was involuntary.
"He whacked her in the butt but it wasn't sexual abuse," Gibbons said. "He has spastic movements. If he was starving to death and had a hamburger in front of him he couldn't lean over to pick it up," Gibbons said.
An 87-year-old woman was arrested Thursday after she was caught on tape selling crack cocaine to an undercover deputy. A surveillance video of the sale shows the undercover officer knock on the back door of the woman's home. She then answers the door and walks the officer to another room where she retrieves the crack after rummaging through the couch. In addition to what was sold to the deputy, she can be seen in the video holding a small bag of crack cocaine.Police Say Robber Disguised Self as Black Man
[The woman also] pleaded no contest in December 1996 to possession of a controlled substance with intent to sell, manufacture or deliver. She served a two-year probation, which ended in July of 1998 when she was 75 years old.
[The man], who is White, was arrested April 14 and faces an 18-count indictment including six charges of aggravated robbery and illegally having a gun and is accused of robbing four banks and a CVS in suburban Cincinnati within a 3 1/2-hour span April 9 while wearing a mask that made him appear to be a Black man.
"This is a robbery, I have a gun, be quiet and put the money in the bag. Don't look or talk to anyone, give me all $50s and $100s," read the note used in those crimes. Witnesses told police there was something "off" about the robber. They said his face was hairless, his voice muffled, "as if wearing a mask."
Officers cracked open a small gray safe and found the mask, along with another silicone mask - this one with the face of an old, white man. They also found $5,238 cash, some of it stained with red ink, all of it with serial numbers showing it was from the banks that were robbed, according to court records.
The mask used in the local robberies is called "The Player" and costs $689.
VAMPIRIC ABSURDITY OF THE WEEK
REAL VAMPIRE WEBSITE
This site will most certainly be a wake-up call to those who believe that vampires are fictional. In fact they are not, as this black-backgrounded, image-free, Geocities era collection of impossible-to-read, low contrast pages is certain to convince you!
But without a doubt, the most useful feature of the site has to be the list of signs & symptoms of vampirism. This resource is infinitely valuable to those who have long suspected that the blood of an elder race of undead creatures flows through their veins (myself included!). You may want to check out the entire list, but I've gone ahead and compiled some of the most common signs here to give you
Pale Skin That Flushes When You Eat A SteakYes, according to the author of the Real Vampire Website, the surest test of vampirism is to eat a steak and see if your skin "gets pinker". The reasoning given for this is rock solid: "Humans can’t digest blood let alone get color from it, real vampires do." Case closed.
Unusually High Tolerance to Alcohol & Other ToxinsNot entirely sure how one would go about testing this one. However, for those who suspect vampirism I would recommend ingesting low dosages of all-natural poisons (you wouldn't want to put icky "chemicals: in your body) such as hemlock, arsenic, and nightshade and slowly increasing the dosage until brain death occurs.
Getting High on Human BloodHere's the question which is posed to readers: "When drinking someone’s blood do you tend to find yourself being able to do something that they could do (that you couldn't do) about 2 weeks after drinking it?" The implication being that if you answered yes, you may be a vampire.
Hearing WhispersCan you hear a whisper from across the room? If so, good for you! Oh, and also this probably means you are a vampire. Thank you and goodnight.
Ability To Digest 600% of Recommended Dosage of IronThe author invites readers to "test" this by (and I'm not making this up) buying a bunch of iron pills at the health food store and taking more than 108mg of them. Sound advice from a reliable source, I'd say.
Migraines Caused By SunlightIf sunlight bothers you to the point of causing migraines, you are probably a vampire! Alternatively, you may also simply be afflicted with the extremely common condition of "occasionally getting migraines which are caused by bright sunlight'. But as this scenario is not nearly as glamorous, you may as well just go ahead and dismiss it out of hand and continue to wear your ridiculous HIM t-shirt every day.
So! If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, there's a good chance you are a vampire. Well, either that or you are simply a pallid, angry, socially crippled teenager who was bullied in school due to their aggressive and deliberate unpleasantness and now uses pseudoscience as an excuse not to get over their troubled childhood and grow as a person. Either way, I think you'll find that feasting upon the blood of the living is gonna cause more problems than it solves.
VIDEO OF THE WEEK
ALL CAPS CUSTOMER REVIEW OF THE WEEKToby Keith - Shock'n'Yall
That's all for this week. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go slurp blood from the collarbone indent of a retired postal worker while the Twilight: New Moon soundtrack swells in the background.
I bid y'all farewell.