Amongst the topics addressed in this week's edition of weird news are: "What's the worst way to prove you aren't fat?", "Are restaurants allowed to deny entry to homosexual pets?" "What's the best prohibitively expensive way to survive the apocalypse?" "What do goats have against the Chinese?" And "Is Mousetrap still a good toy?"
To run though them quickly beforehand, the answers to these questions are as follows: "Bite a piece of someone off", "Yes?", "Vivos", "I'm unsure", and "No, it blows."
WEIRD NEWS STORIES OF THE WEEKRestaurant Refuses Service to Gay Seeing-Eye Dog
An Australian restaurant that refused a blind man entry because a waiter thought his seeing-eye dog was "gay" has been ordered to apologise and pay compensation. The restaurant's owners said a misunderstanding had arisen between Jolly's female companion and a waiter who understood the woman "to be saying she wanted to bring a gay dog into the restaurant".Woman Bites Off Portion of Man's Face to Prove She Isn't Fat
"The staff genuinely believed that Nudge was an ordinary pet dog which had been desexed to become a gay dog," the owners said in a statement to South Australia's Equal Opportunity Tribunal.
Police say a 24-year-old man is missing a chunk of his right ear that was bitten off by a woman who didn't like being called "fat." Police spokeswoman Katie Flood said officers were called to a Lincoln hospital around 3:25 a.m. Wednesday to talk to the injured man. Flood said officers later learned that the injured man and two others had been arguing with other people at the birthday party. Flood says the man told [a woman] that she was fat.Puerto Rican Wake Features Corpse on Motorcycle
Officers said [she] then tackled the man and took a bite. The ear chunk was not found.
A funeral home in Puerto Rico that made international headlines two years ago is at it again. Marin Funeral Home has embalmed the body of a young man and put the corpse atop a motorcycle in a hunched-over racing position. The body wears a black cap, black sunglasses and a long-sleeved black T-shirt.Goat Rampages Through Chinese Nursing Home
Local television station WAPA says the unidentified 22-year-old shooting victim will be buried Wednesday.
The seven-year-old billygoat, named Billy, wandered into the grounds of the On Luck Chinese nursing home after escaping its enclosure at a nearby home. The goat butted the gardener before attacking a second man, aged in his seventies, who rushed over to help. Both of the men suffered suspected spinal injuries during the incident and the gardener, aged 60, was also left with cuts to his head and elbow. A woman who had witnessed the furore injured her ankle as she ran for help.Drug Kingpin Buried in Gold Coffin (Obviously...)
Constable Diane Davidson told the Manningham Leader that she and her partner had pulled the "big goat" off one of the men, who was "conscious and breathing the whole time". Police called to the scene were able to subdue the animal until its owner arrived with rope to tether it.
A former Australian drug kingpin, killed in prison last week, was buried Friday in an oversized gold casket valued at $30,000. Carl Williams, who was beaten to death last week in Barwon Prison where he was serving the third year of a life sentence, was buried Friday in the gold casket at Keilor Cemetery in Essendon, the Sydney Morning Herald reported Friday.
Williams was convicted of four murders and was a suspect in at least six others.
UNDERGROUND SURVIVAL BUNKER OF THE WEEK
Get with the program people, the apocalypse is coming! While the more foolish among you may choose to ignore the overwhelming evidence provided by countless internet sources and some of the greatest rational thinkers of our generation, but I for one am going to be prepared. That's why I've signed up with Vivos. What's Vivos? According to their website, Vivos will possibly be a network of state-of-the-art underground shelters which may hypothetically be built across the United States. Here's a short excerpt from their FAQ, which should answer any further questions you may have.
How much does Vivos cost?The cost is $50,000 per adult and $25,000 per child. Pets are free!
Can anyone purchase a spot?Potential members will be vetted using a complex set of tests designed by experts. Mostly we are looking for doctors, herbalists, lawyers, paleontologists, hunters, and chefs. Most of all though, we are seeking people with a history of mental illness and an acute distrust of authority who believe they know how to use a gun.
What sorts of amenities with Vivos shelters have?Pretty much everything. We have Beds, Electricity, Painting Easels, Silverware, Running Water, Plateglass Windows, Aprons, Tape Recorders, Construction Hemlets, Pistachios, Morning Glory Seeds, used Playground equipment, and Cubed Ice. There are also King James Bibles in every room, and Ceiling Fans in half.
Did you use bank doors for security?You mean those metal doors with the twirly handles like they have on a safe? Yeah, we got those.
Is your menu High Fructose Corn Syrup Free? I don't put chemicals in my body.Yes. Our menu is 100% HFCS free.
What will I do after the apocalypse?It's really up to you to entertain yourself. Once a year one of the residents will peek out the front door to see if the apocalypse has died down. If it has, you are free to go. If not, we recommend that you stay inside for a while longer. Maybe you could find a hobby? We do have badminton courts as well, if you're a fan of badminton.
I think that covers pretty much everything, but if not, check out their site for more information and a video tour.
VIDEO OF THE WEEK
ALL CAPS CUSTOMER REVIEW OF THE WEEKMousetrap
That's it for this week, and I'd just like to point out that if the world does in fact come to an end at some point, I will die eagerly rather than live in a world ruled by the mentally-ill mountain men and cat ladies who believe in the apocalypse enough to survive it.