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This week in the news: Burger King bun theft, George Washington charged
with book pillaging,
blowgun assault, and dogs running for public office. Also I've got a
video montage highlighting infomercial actors failing to perform even
the most basic of tasks, and a Mexican waterpark for sale.
 
I'd invite you to read on, but honestly it's probably not worth your
time unless you're really bored. Do as you see fit.

 
 

WEIRD NEWS STORIES OF THE WEEK

Man
Gets Year in Prison For Stealing Burger King Buns

Image removed.[The man] brandished a broom handle at staff from the East
Croydon
branch of Burger King before snatching the buns in the early hours of
October 31 last year. He went on to wave the broom handle menacingly at
a security guard in East Croydon station before fleeing from a pair of
police officers, who had been alerted about the crime by store staff.

PC Mark Agrippa, from Croydon’s British Transport Police station in
Addiscombe Road, said: “Despite the outlet being closed, Ogilvie Taylor
walked in and told the member of staff he would hit him with the broom
handle unless he stayed still.
“Fearing he would be hurt, the member of staff complied, at which point
Ogilvie Taylor snatched a nearby bag of burger buns and fled.”
 
He dropped the broom handle as he ran along nearby Colson Road, but was
caught by the officers following a short foot chase.

Bigoted
Town Won't Allow Dog To Run For Mayor

A town east of Toronto refused to allow a 3-year-old Labrador retriever
to register as a mayoral candidate Monday for municipal elections this
fall. [The owner] Genny on a leash into the Bowmanville town hall to
register her as a candidate but was flatly turned down by clerk .
 
"I'm sorry. We won't be accepting nominations for a dog," [the clerk]
said. "She's not a person."

Deadbeat
Corpse of George Washington Hoards Library Books

A New York library said George Washington, the first
president of the
United States, owes $300,000 in late fees for two books he never
returned. The New York Society Library said President Washington
visited the facility Oct. 5, 1789, and borrowed international relation
treatise "Law of Nations" and Vol. 12 of the British Parliament
transcript series "Commons Debates,".
 
Officials said the books, which were due Nov. 2 of that same year, have
been compiling late fees [ever] since.

Woman
Accused of Shooting 5 People With Blowgun

A 41-year-old woman was jailed after police say she went on
a blow gun
spree. The Stevens Point Journal reported that police got a report at 9
p.m. Wednesday from a 25-year-old woman who said she was walking
downtown when she felt something hit her chest. In the next half hour,
three more people made similar reports.

One of the victims reported she saw the dart shot from a pipe sticking
out the window of a black minivan. Police pulled the vehicle over at
9:30 p.m. and found a blow gun, a slingshot and a bucket of rocks
inside.
 
Police arrested the van's driver, Paula Wolf, and said she eventually
admitted to shooting the pedestrians. She allegedly told an officer
that she "liked to hear people say ouch."

Migraine
Causes Woman To Speak With Chinese Accent

A British woman who suffers from migraines with stroke-like
symptoms
says a recent attack has left her speaking in a permanent "Chinese
accent." Sarah Colwill, 35, of Devonshire, said a migraine attack left
month altered her West Country accent to resemble the voice of a
Chinese woman, The Mirror reported Wednesday.

Colwill was diagnosed with foreign accent syndrome, a condition caused
by damage to the part of the brain controlling speech. There have only
been about 60 confirmed cases of the condition since the 1940s.

 

HOT DEAL OF THE WEEK

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Ever since I was a boy, I've dreamt of owning my very own Mexican
waterpark. Unfortunately for me, a few years ago at the height of an
amphetamine binge, I ended up foolishly buying an $8000 petting zoo in
Coronel Oviedo, Paraguay instead. It's not bad (I've got llamas), but
it's certainly no Mexican Waterpark. I even foolishly set up a few
kiddie pools at the bottom of some slides in the playground in a
halfhearted attempt to capture that waterpark spirit, but I guess some
of the zebras were using it as a toilet, and one of the tamrins drank
out of it. Some of the neighborhood kids found its body floating there
the next morning so I had to dump the pools.
 
But I digress. Here's what's included in the price of the waterpark:
 

  • 7 Swimming Pools
  • 6 Slides
  • Parking Lot
  • Mini Zoo with Deer & Ostrich
  • "A lot of Other Extras" the seller claims he "Just Can't Remember
    Right
    Now."

 
If you're still on the fence about a purchase, here are some photos of
the park (it actually looks pretty nice):
 

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Remember, this offer won't last forever, so act now.

VIDEO OF THE WEEK


 

ALL CAPS WHITE TRASH COMMENTARY OF THE WEEK

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Thanks for reading, and be sure and tune in next week for an extra
special edition of Weird News. Actually that's not true. It'll just be
more of the same.