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Oh news! Will you ever learn? Amongst this week's stories are the
following things: Softcore Porn, Knife Stabbings, Syringe Stabbings,
Paying for Online Dates With Women, & People Shouting About Little
House on the Prairie.
 

WEIRD NEWS STORIES OF THE WEEK

Woman
Stabbed With Needle After Ignoring Beggar

Aguadilla police say the victim had pulled to a curbside to
feed her
baby when 32-year-old Marcos Ramos Ortiz approached and asked her for
$5.

When she rolled down her window and told him she did not have any
money, he reached in and plunged the needle into her left thigh,
prompting her to accelerate the car and run over his feet, said
investigating officer Noel Perez Crespo.
 
It is unclear whether the needle had any liquid in it or was
contaminated, Perez said. While the suspect has hepatitis C, the
24-year-old women has not shown any signs of infection, Crespo said,
though other charges might be filed if she contracts a disease.

Drunk
man Attempts Resuscitation of Dead Possum

Police say they charged a Pennsylvania man with public
drunkenness
after he was seen trying to resuscitate a long-dead opossum along a
highway.

State police Trooper Jamie Levier says several witnesses saw [the
55-year-old man] kneeling before the animal and gesturing as though he
were conducting a seance. He says another saw Wolfe attempting to give
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Levier says the animal already had been dead a while.

Director
Sues for Wrongful Softcore Porn Promotion

A former South Carolina lawmaker turned filmmaker is
accusing two cable
channels of confusing his comedy movie with a similarly-named porn film.

James "Bubba" Cromer, who served in the state House of Representatives
from 1990-1998 and currently works as the legislative body's reading
clerk, said Showtime's The Movie Channel and HBO's Cinemax movie
networks promoted a soft-core pornography film "The Hills Have Thighs"
as his 2008 comedy film of the same name, The State, Columbia, S.C.,
reported Wednesday.

Cromer said he was excited to read listings that named him as the
director and many of his family and friends, including state lawmakers,
tuned in to the expected premier on The Movie Channel and were shocked
to see the pornographic flick instead.

Thief
Steals 56,400 Highlighters

Authorities in South Carolina said a thief made off with
56,400 green
Bic highlighters, worth more than $28,000, from a truck parked at a
truck stop.

Rock Hill police said TXN Logistics truck driver Barry Cousar
discovered the two pallets of highlighters, and several other boxes of
400 pens each, missing from the truck after it had been parked for a
time Friday at a South Anderson Road truck stop, the Rock Hill Herald
reported Thursday.

Boy
Stabbed in Head With 10-Inch Knife

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Tough nut Xiao Wei, 16, amazed doctors after he walked to the
hospital
with the support of his friends after being stabbed in the head with
the cleaver which left only its handle showing. Professor Yan Shijun,
deputy director of neurosurgery department of the hospital said: "His
face was covered in blood, but he was still conscious,"  

The attack happened after Xiao Wei and his friend Huang were playing
online game, Counter-strike, in an internet cafe.

"When we were playing games, a group of people from the same cafÈ came
to us, saying we must install some software to win the game. Then we
had an argument with them," said 18-year-old Huang.

Xiao Wei and Huang were pulled out of the cafe and beaten to the ground
outside. "My left arm was stabbed, and when they had gone, I found Xiao
Wei was lying on the ground with a knife in his head."

Doctors operated on Xiao and managed to take out the 14cm long knife
after two hours.

PRODUCT OF THE WEEK

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"Playdate"
With Actual Woman on Xbox Live
- $8.50
Gamecrush is a website upon which "gamers" (read: glassy-eyed, socially
crippled men) can pay money for a "Playdate" (read: an intensely
awkward 6-10 minute flop-sweat-ridden game session punctuated by heavy
breathing, uncomfortable silences, and a high probability of multiple
spontaneous unintentional male orgasms) with a real live female woman!
 
At the end of the match, players will "rate" the female playdate in one
of three categories: Hotness, Gaming Skill, and Flirtiness.
 
Once the playdate has concluded, the male playdate will also have the
ability to retreat into a darkened corner and quickly masturbate (if he
has not already done so during the match) while lolling his head around
and shaking violently, as he will still be running off the high of
communicating on even the most superficial of levels with what was,
ostensibly, a female human being.
 
Please note that this final service is free of charge and will be
undertaken at the customers at the customer's own discretion.

So whether you hate women or you hate yourself, I recommend you head on
over to Gamecrush.com and reward them for simultaneously objectifying
women and insulting the intelligence of men by giving them some sweet,
sweet cash!

VIDEO OF THE WEEK

ALL CAPS CUSTOMER REVIEWS (SPECIAL "HOLY SHIT PEOPLE WHO BUY THE
COMPLETE SERIES OF LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE SURE TO LOVE TO LEAVE
ALL CAPS REVIEWS OF LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE THE COMPLETE SERIES"
EDITION)

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Normally it's somewhat difficult for me to find all-caps customer
reviews, and this week I think I've discovered why: BECAUSE EVERY ONE
WHO LEAVES ALL CAPS REVIEWS IS NOW APPARENTLY DOING IT IN THE LITTLE
HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE DVD SECTION. See for yourself.
 

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That should be all for this week! If you've got a weird news story or
link to contribute, you can go ahead and SUBMIT IT HERE. I enjoy
getting submissions, as I find them to be a welcome change from the
vaguely threatening emails I usually get from prison inmates (yeah,
seriously).