Oh news! Will you ever learn? Amongst this week's stories are the following things: Softcore Porn, Knife Stabbings, Syringe Stabbings, Paying for Online Dates With Women, & People Shouting About Little House on the Prairie.
WEIRD NEWS STORIES OF THE WEEKWoman Stabbed With Needle After Ignoring Beggar
Aguadilla police say the victim had pulled to a curbside to feed her baby when 32-year-old Marcos Ramos Ortiz approached and asked her for $5.
When she rolled down her window and told him she did not have any money, he reached in and plunged the needle into her left thigh, prompting her to accelerate the car and run over his feet, said investigating officer Noel Perez Crespo.
It is unclear whether the needle had any liquid in it or was contaminated, Perez said. While the suspect has hepatitis C, the 24-year-old women has not shown any signs of infection, Crespo said, though other charges might be filed if she contracts a disease.
Drunk man Attempts Resuscitation of Dead Possum
Police say they charged a Pennsylvania man with public drunkenness after he was seen trying to resuscitate a long-dead opossum along a highway.
State police Trooper Jamie Levier says several witnesses saw [the 55-year-old man] kneeling before the animal and gesturing as though he were conducting a seance. He says another saw Wolfe attempting to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Levier says the animal already had been dead a while.
Director Sues for Wrongful Softcore Porn Promotion
A former South Carolina lawmaker turned filmmaker is accusing two cable channels of confusing his comedy movie with a similarly-named porn film.
James "Bubba" Cromer, who served in the state House of Representatives from 1990-1998 and currently works as the legislative body's reading clerk, said Showtime's The Movie Channel and HBO's Cinemax movie networks promoted a soft-core pornography film "The Hills Have Thighs" as his 2008 comedy film of the same name, The State, Columbia, S.C., reported Wednesday.
Cromer said he was excited to read listings that named him as the director and many of his family and friends, including state lawmakers, tuned in to the expected premier on The Movie Channel and were shocked to see the pornographic flick instead.
Thief Steals 56,400 Highlighters
Authorities in South Carolina said a thief made off with 56,400 green Bic highlighters, worth more than $28,000, from a truck parked at a truck stop.
Rock Hill police said TXN Logistics truck driver Barry Cousar discovered the two pallets of highlighters, and several other boxes of 400 pens each, missing from the truck after it had been parked for a time Friday at a South Anderson Road truck stop, the Rock Hill Herald reported Thursday.
Boy Stabbed in Head With 10-Inch Knife
Tough nut Xiao Wei, 16, amazed doctors after he walked to the hospital with the support of his friends after being stabbed in the head with the cleaver which left only its handle showing. Professor Yan Shijun, deputy director of neurosurgery department of the hospital said: "His face was covered in blood, but he was still conscious,"
The attack happened after Xiao Wei and his friend Huang were playing online game, Counter-strike, in an internet cafe.
"When we were playing games, a group of people from the same cafÈ came to us, saying we must install some software to win the game. Then we had an argument with them," said 18-year-old Huang.
Xiao Wei and Huang were pulled out of the cafe and beaten to the ground outside. "My left arm was stabbed, and when they had gone, I found Xiao Wei was lying on the ground with a knife in his head."
Doctors operated on Xiao and managed to take out the 14cm long knife after two hours.
PRODUCT OF THE WEEK
"Playdate" With Actual Woman on Xbox Live - $8.50
Gamecrush is a website upon which "gamers" (read: glassy-eyed, socially crippled men) can pay money for a "Playdate" (read: an intensely awkward 6-10 minute flop-sweat-ridden game session punctuated by heavy breathing, uncomfortable silences, and a high probability of multiple spontaneous unintentional male orgasms) with a real live female woman!
At the end of the match, players will "rate" the female playdate in one of three categories: Hotness, Gaming Skill, and Flirtiness.
Once the playdate has concluded, the male playdate will also have the ability to retreat into a darkened corner and quickly masturbate (if he has not already done so during the match) while lolling his head around and shaking violently, as he will still be running off the high of communicating on even the most superficial of levels with what was, ostensibly, a female human being.
Please note that this final service is free of charge and will be undertaken at the customers at the customer's own discretion.
So whether you hate women or you hate yourself, I recommend you head on over to Gamecrush.com and reward them for simultaneously objectifying women and insulting the intelligence of men by giving them some sweet, sweet cash!
VIDEO OF THE WEEK
ALL CAPS CUSTOMER REVIEWS (SPECIAL "HOLY SHIT PEOPLE WHO BUY THE COMPLETE SERIES OF LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE SURE TO LOVE TO LEAVE ALL CAPS REVIEWS OF LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE THE COMPLETE SERIES" EDITION)
Little House on the Prairie: The Complete Series
Normally it's somewhat difficult for me to find all-caps customer reviews, and this week I think I've discovered why: BECAUSE EVERY ONE WHO LEAVES ALL CAPS REVIEWS IS NOW APPARENTLY DOING IT IN THE LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE DVD SECTION. See for yourself.
That should be all for this week! If you've got a weird news story or link to contribute, you can go ahead and SUBMIT IT HERE. I enjoy getting submissions, as I find them to be a welcome change from the vaguely threatening emails I usually get from prison inmates (yeah, seriously).