Weird News & Links (Week of 01.24.10)

Weird News & Links - LSD Flying
There's a famous inspirational quote from Helen Steiner Rice that goes "Peace on earth will come to stay, When we live Christmas every day." I describe it as inspirational not because it makes my cold heart swell with joy at the promise of the human spirit, but rather because it inspires me to want to find Helen Steiner Rice and punch some sense into her idiot skull as punishment for spouting such meaningless nonsense. What could possess a person to actually vocalize this kind of garbage? Perhaps Syphilis rotted out her pea-sized brain out by Syphilis, we may never know. But what I do know is that I want to drive my fist into the liver-spotted face of Helen Steiner Rice.
 
Please note that I do not actually wish to punch Helen Steiner Rice in the head, nor do I actually know whether her brain was rotted out by syphilis. I do not actually even know who she is, but I'm sure she was a very nice lady. Also if you're wondering if any of this has to do with Weird News, it doesn't have anything to do with it.
 

 

WEIRD NEWS STORIES OF THE WEEK

Wal-Mart Customer Arrested for Urinating on Steaks
According to Lt. Linda Brown of the Canton Police Department, Robert T. Jenkins, 21, of Canton, was arrested at 1:30 a.m. Friday morning and charges with felony vandalism and disorderly conduct.

Police say Jenkins was arrested after they responded to a call from an employee at the Wal-Mart store on Atlantic Blvd. NE, claiming a man walked up to the meat counter and began urinating on the steaks, destroying more than $600 dollars in meat.
Morbidly Obese Dog Found Frozen to Sidewalk
A year after a "morbidly obese" dog froze to a Wisconsin sidewalk, the border collie mix has lost 40 pounds and is slowly returning to an active lifestyle. The dog weighed about 120 pounds when he froze to the sidewalk in December 2008 in single-digit temperatures. His dense layers of fat probably helped him survive.

Patty and Peter Geise of Sheboygan Falls said when they adopted Jiffy, he could barely step over a 4-inch-high pipe. Even then he had to rest afterward.
Bicyclist Charged With Carrying Butcher Knife Pool Cue Axe
Alexandria police said man stopped for riding his bicycle at night without a headlight was carrying a weapon made from a butcher knife attached to a pool cue. They said the 51-year-old man also had a razor blade in his hat. He was booked with illegally carrying a weapon, doing so after a felony conviction, resisting an officer, public intoxication and at least five outstanding warrants.

[Officers also] found a metal push rod that appeared to be used for smoking crack cocaine [and] a prescription painkiller in someone else's name.
Feds Ban Inmate From Playing Dungeons & Dragons
Kevin T. Singer filed a federal lawsuit against officials at Wisconsin's Waupun prison, arguing that a policy banning all Dungeons & Dragons material violated his free speech and due process rights.

Prison officials instigated the Dungeons & Dragons ban among concerns that playing the game promoted gang-related activity and was a threat to security. After the ban went into effect, prison officials confiscated dozens of Dungeons & Dragons books and magazines in his cell as well as a 96-page manuscript he had written detailing a potential scenario for the game that players could act out.

Prison officials enacted the ban in 2004 after an inmate sent an anonymous letter expressing concern about Singer and three other inmates forming a "gang" focused around playing the game.
Mother Forces Son To Kill Hamster With Hammer
As punishment for bad grades, a Georgia mother forced her 12-year-old son to kill his pet hamster with a hammer, police said. The day after he was forced to kill his pet, the child told his teacher, Meriwether County Sheriff Steve Whitlock told the AJC Thursday evening.

Geter faces one charge each of animal cruelty, child cruelty and battery.
Priest Charged With Shoplifting Butter, Sofa Cover
A Roman Catholic priest was accused of shoplifting butter and a sofa cover at a Wal-Mart in southern Illinois. [The Reverend was]charged with two felony theft counts. Investigators said Poole failed to scan a $3.22 container of butter and a $60 sofa cover at a self-checkout. Poole then allegedly went to the store's bedding section, picked up a memory foam mattress and switched the pricing bar code.

Allegedly, Poole also possessed a stolen laptop computer power pack. 
Dead Polish Beekeeper in Coffin Not Actually Dead
A Polish funeral director said he opened the coffin of a 76-year-old man to retrieve items for the bereaved family only to discover the man was still alive. [Polish beekeeper] Josef Guzy collapsed near his barn and was pronounced dead at the scene. ..An experienced doctor with a specialist qualification in resuscitation found that the patient was not breathing, there was no heartbeat and the body had cooled -- all the characteristics of death,".

However, funeral director Darius Wysluchato said he opened Guzy's coffin later that day to retrieve a necklace for the man's wife and discovered a pulse. "I happened to touch the artery in the neck and was totally shocked. I checked it again and shouted, 'There is a pulse.' My assistant checked as well. I leaned in close and I could tell that he was still breathing."


WEBSITE FEATURING INSUFFERABLE NEW-AGE CUNT OF THE WEEK

Weird News & Links - Dr. Day
Synopsis: A heartless, mulleted shrew of a woman tells you (amongst other things) "How To Cure Cancer With God's Natural Remedies" (i.e. "How To Do Nothing And Die From Cancer").
 
Her logic is rock solid: She [allegedly] had a tumor and did not die, therefore everyone who has cancer will get well on their own and should not seek treatment, but should instead buy a bunch shit from her.
 
Here's a fun game: Try to figure out which of the following are claims made on Dr. Day's website and which have simply been made up by me.
 
  1. Anthrax poisoning is caused by gay sex
  2. Drugs never cure diseases
  3. Doctors are not taught about health in medical school
  4. ADD can be cured by eating raw fruits, sleeping, and studying the bible.
  5. Eating pork causes leprosy
  6. Bludgeoning a small child to death with a curtain rod, grinding it's bones into a meal, and consuming this mixture will cure AIDS.
  7. SARS & The Avian Flu do not exist
  8. Smallpox is not dangerous or communicable and can be cured by exposure to sunlight
  9. You may not have cancer when you think you do; you might just be thirsty
 
Answers: 1 & 6 are made up by me. The rest are REAL TRUTH AS SPOKEN BY DR DAY MEDICAL DOCTORATE LADY OF MEDICINE SCIENCE.
 
So in conclusion: This woman is attempting to convince cancer patients not to get treatment for cancer and in doing so is possibly (but hopefully not) helping to bring about the deaths of countless sick people who may have otherwise survived.
 
Fuck.


VIDEO OF THE WEEK


 

PRODUCT OF THE WEEK

Weird News & Links - Equine Testing
As I mentioned previously, I own and operate a number of world champion showhorses in my spare time. One problem I've always come across is figuring out the breed and genetic predispositions of my horses. I always have a hell of a time with it, and this lack of knowledge has often been the source of some of my greatest worries:
 
  • What if King Kabuto possesses the mutation that causes Severe Combined Immunodeficiency?
  • Could I handle it if I one day discovered that my old Quarterhorse Rolfy was genetically predisposed towards Glycogen Branching Enzyme Deficiency?
  • Would I be able to forgive myself upon hearing from a judge that Mr. Jingles's coat was, in fact, a cream dilution as opposed to the silver dilution I've always listed it as on his forms.
 
It was these fears that caused me to order one of each test for each of my 26 world champion showhorses. The cost came out to about $20,410, but it was worth it to know each horses breed and the color of his coat.
 
Anyone who keep horses (or those who dream of it) should definitely check this site out and order a few tests. Trust me, you won't regret it.
 
Please note, however, that this service is only available in countries which are free of African Horse Sickness.

ALL CAPS CUSTOMER REVIEW OF THE WEEK

I'd like very much to thank you for skimming this week's episode of Weird News & Links, and I hope you all have a beautiful rest of the sunshine day!
 
 
 
P.S.
I would like to sincerely apologize to both Helen Steiner Rice and Dr. Day for any comments I may have made about them which might have been construed as untoward or offensive.
 
P.P.S
On second thought, I only want to apologize to Helen. That Cunt Dr. Cunt Day can sit and spin on the ridge of her Wrinkled Cunt Flap, the Cunt! Telling people with cancer not to get treated and trying to sell her own shitty overpriced books instead! What a Cunt!
 
P.P.P.S
I apologize to anyone I may have offended with my use of the extremely explicit word "Cunt", but you can't deny that the piece of shit Cunt deserves it.
 

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