Bride

By Kevin
Weddings.
Who needs them? Nobody does, but I think people like to have them. I
figured I would do the world a favor and look up some rules and
regulations for the game of marriage. I found an article on the
internet called 20 Top Tips for Grooms Who Want To Get it Right. It is located HERE.
(link will probably be dead soon enough, but it doesn't matter) These
are sure to be 20 hot tips. Even though I am neither a groom nor a
person who wishes to get it right, I am sure that I will enjoy these
tips. Let’s go through some of them now:

Tip 1
Don't rush into anything. Take time to read lots of magazines for inspiration.
 If you're still not getting anywhere, consult a professional style councillor and ignore this guide!

Ey,
what? This tip is all over the map! First of all they spelled counselor
all weird. Maybe the guide is for British people. Don’t tell your
readers to ignore your guide in the very first tip either! They just
might listen. Anyway, what sort of magazine should I be reading? Horse
Fancy? Migraine Inducing Illustrations Monthly? Suits and Sportscoat
Enthusiast? Sure, I just made those titles up, but they almost
certainly exist. Give me something I can use, anonymous guide

Sims
Saaaaay!

 




Tip 2
With
the information gleaned from your research, set a realistic budget for
your wedding outfit taking everthing into account and stick to it,
rigidly.

Okay. You spelled ‘everything’ wrong. Nice job guide. I’m skipping this tip anyway since I didn’t do any research.

Tip 3
Start
your shopping process well in advance of the wedding (preferably
several months), particularly if you're having something such as a
waistcoat, frockcoat or Star Trek suit made, as your tailor will
require lots of warning.
The same applies if you are hiring an outfit - you might need to make alterations which take time.

Listen
here guide! Just what are you trying to feed me? A waistcoat or
frockcoat? People haven’t used those terms for at least 60 years. Are
we attending Bilbo Baggins’s Birthday Party all of a sudden?

Maisy: Yes
Milord, I’ll clean and press your frockcoat and some knickers for the
ball. You’ll make a fine suitor for Ms. Copperbottom to be sure!

Jacob: That
will be just fine Maisy, make quite certain that you do not forget to
drop my boots off at the cobblers as well. Off with ye now!”

KKK Band
Hiring a good band for the reception
can make all the difference in the world


Tip 4
Don't
buy anything tight fitting. it may give you bulges in all the right
places but it is guaranteed to become devilishly uncomfortable after
all that nuptial nosh and those bottles of bubbly!

Tee
hee! What a delightfully saucy tip this is! But I think what the
guide’s author may be forgetting is that this is a guide written for
men. This tip seems to be from “A Girl’s Guide to Her First Prom”. I
don’t think there is anybody who wants to see the groom in a wedding
bulging ANYWHERE, let alone in “all the right places”. In conclusion:
Don’t buy a spandex tuxedo? Yeechk.

Tip 5
An ivory shirt looks better than a white one which can often look like something you would wear to the office.

The
most important thing is to wear something that doesn’t look like what
you would wear to the office, eh? Then I would recommend that you get a
lime green t-shirt and wear that under a sky blue tuxedo and white
cowboy boots. Also wear a leopard print thong on the outside of your
pants, Yow!
 

Hick Wedding
My, how delightfully quaint!
Tip 6
Morning Suit wearers should remember that traditionally, their coat should be black in the morning and grey in the afternoon.

You have got to be kidding me with this. You mean you want me to buy two
colors of coats and then change at noon?! Screw you! I have a feeling
this tip was sponsored by the National Association of Suitcoat Vendors.
I'm watching you NASV.

Tip 7
Always leave the bottom button of your waistcoat undone - but don't ask why!

Ooh,
leave the bottom button undone? A little something for the ladies huh?
I see how it is. If this really is the case though, then I would ask
that waistcoat manufacturers no longer SEW a bottom button on the coat
if we aren’t supposed to be buttoning it anyway. Save yourselves a few
cents on each one and buy the CEO a new hairpiece or something.



Tip 8
If you're wearing a kilt, don't be a true Scotsman.
No undies in the presence of ladies and officers is very bad form.

Uh thanks, wasn’t planning on it.

 

Tip 9
Your buttonhole should be made of the same flowers as your bride's bouquet.

You know what? I’m going to make sure my buttonhole is made from a different type of flower just to spite you!

Tip 10
Never have a waistcoat matching your tie and handkerchief.
Instead, choose a color from the waistcoat and select your tie accordingly.

Jesus
H! Welcome to an obsessive compulsive groom's guide to weddings. 99.9%
of the people at your wedding are not going to have any idea (or care)
about any of these insane rules, so why even bother? It doesn't matter.

On
a more serious note though, I actually might heed the advice about the
tie and waistcoat. I once wore a matching set and was set upon by a
band of fashionable ruffians as took my morning constitutional. I had
just passed by Finnigan’s Bakery and the lot of them dashed out from a
nearby alley brandishing various blunt implements. It was ghastly; I
nearly dropped my handbag. Luckily I managed to escape down a nearby
sewer grating. Heed these words if you value your life.

Town Crier
Hear ye! Hear ye!
I declare this wedding a rousing success!
Tip 11
On
the morning of the ceremony, don't go to the pub to get some dutch
coarage, go have a professional shave and manicure instead. That way
you'll be just as relaxed as if you'd downed a couple of pints, you
don't risk blood on your collar and your hands will look simply lovely
when you exchange rings.

Where to start with this
final tip? First of all, if you are even considering going to the bar
in the morning before your own wedding, I would suggest skipping the
ceremony altogether. Just head right over to the bride’s house, slap
her around a little, bellow while punching a wall, and pass out in a
chair, because you are a drunk.

Similarly, if you go to the bar
the morning before your own wedding and somehow manage to get blood on
your collar, don’t worry about a thing. It is most likely that you’re
an Irish-American stereotype attending a wake in a television cop drama
and that you don’t actually exist.

Well, it looks like that's the end of that disaster. I hope this guide helped you out. Happy marryin’.