Weddings. Who needs them? Nobody does, but I think people like to have them. I figured I would do the world a favor and look up some rules and regulations for the game of marriage. I found an article on the internet called 20 Top Tips for Grooms Who Want To Get it Right. It is located HERE. (link will probably be dead soon enough, but it doesn't matter) These are sure to be 20 hot tips. Even though I am neither a groom nor a person who wishes to get it right, I am sure that I will enjoy these tips. Let’s go through some of them now:
Tip 1 Don't rush into anything. Take time to read lots of magazines for inspiration.
If you're still not getting anywhere, consult a professional style councillor and ignore this guide!
Ey, what? This tip is all over the map! First of all they spelled counselor all weird. Maybe the guide is for British people. Don’t tell your readers to ignore your guide in the very first tip either! They just might listen. Anyway, what sort of magazine should I be reading? Horse Fancy? Migraine Inducing Illustrations Monthly? Suits and Sportscoat Enthusiast? Sure, I just made those titles up, but they almost certainly exist. Give me something I can use, anonymous guide
Tip 2 With the information gleaned from your research, set a realistic budget for your wedding outfit taking everthing into account and stick to it, rigidly.
Okay. You spelled ‘everything’ wrong. Nice job guide. I’m skipping this tip anyway since I didn’t do any research.
Tip 3 Start your shopping process well in advance of the wedding (preferably several months), particularly if you're having something such as a waistcoat, frockcoat or Star Trek suit made, as your tailor will require lots of warning.
The same applies if you are hiring an outfit - you might need to make alterations which take time.
Listen here guide! Just what are you trying to feed me? A waistcoat or frockcoat? People haven’t used those terms for at least 60 years. Are we attending Bilbo Baggins’s Birthday Party all of a sudden?
Maisy: Yes Milord, I’ll clean and press your frockcoat and some knickers for the ball. You’ll make a fine suitor for Ms. Copperbottom to be sure!
Jacob: That will be just fine Maisy, make quite certain that you do not forget to drop my boots off at the cobblers as well. Off with ye now!”
Hiring a good band for the reception
can make all the difference in the world
Tip 4 Don't buy anything tight fitting. it may give you bulges in all the right places but it is guaranteed to become devilishly uncomfortable after all that nuptial nosh and those bottles of bubbly!
Tee hee! What a delightfully saucy tip this is! But I think what the guide’s author may be forgetting is that this is a guide written for men. This tip seems to be from “A Girl’s Guide to Her First Prom”. I don’t think there is anybody who wants to see the groom in a wedding bulging ANYWHERE, let alone in “all the right places”. In conclusion: Don’t buy a spandex tuxedo? Yeechk.
Tip 5 An ivory shirt looks better than a white one which can often look like something you would wear to the office.
The most important thing is to wear something that doesn’t look like what you would wear to the office, eh? Then I would recommend that you get a lime green t-shirt and wear that under a sky blue tuxedo and white cowboy boots. Also wear a leopard print thong on the outside of your pants, Yow!
My, how delightfully quaint!
Tip 6 Morning Suit wearers should remember that traditionally, their coat should be black in the morning and grey in the afternoon.
You have got to be kidding me with this. You mean you want me to buy two colors of coats and then change at noon?! Screw you! I have a feeling this tip was sponsored by the National Association of Suitcoat Vendors. I'm watching you NASV.
Tip 7 Always leave the bottom button of your waistcoat undone - but don't ask why!
Ooh, leave the bottom button undone? A little something for the ladies huh? I see how it is. If this really is the case though, then I would ask that waistcoat manufacturers no longer SEW a bottom button on the coat if we aren’t supposed to be buttoning it anyway. Save yourselves a few cents on each one and buy the CEO a new hairpiece or something.
Tip 8 If you're wearing a kilt, don't be a true Scotsman.
No undies in the presence of ladies and officers is very bad form.
Uh thanks, wasn’t planning on it.
Tip 9 Your buttonhole should be made of the same flowers as your bride's bouquet.
You know what? I’m going to make sure my buttonhole is made from a different type of flower just to spite you!
Tip 10 Never have a waistcoat matching your tie and handkerchief.
Instead, choose a color from the waistcoat and select your tie accordingly.
Jesus H! Welcome to an obsessive compulsive groom's guide to weddings. 99.9% of the people at your wedding are not going to have any idea (or care) about any of these insane rules, so why even bother? It doesn't matter.
On a more serious note though, I actually might heed the advice about the tie and waistcoat. I once wore a matching set and was set upon by a band of fashionable ruffians as took my morning constitutional. I had just passed by Finnigan’s Bakery and the lot of them dashed out from a nearby alley brandishing various blunt implements. It was ghastly; I nearly dropped my handbag. Luckily I managed to escape down a nearby sewer grating. Heed these words if you value your life.
Hear ye! Hear ye!
I declare this wedding a rousing success!
Tip 11 On the morning of the ceremony, don't go to the pub to get some dutch coarage, go have a professional shave and manicure instead. That way you'll be just as relaxed as if you'd downed a couple of pints, you don't risk blood on your collar and your hands will look simply lovely when you exchange rings.
Where to start with this final tip? First of all, if you are even considering going to the bar in the morning before your own wedding, I would suggest skipping the ceremony altogether. Just head right over to the bride’s house, slap her around a little, bellow while punching a wall, and pass out in a chair, because you are a drunk.
Similarly, if you go to the bar the morning before your own wedding and somehow manage to get blood on your collar, don’t worry about a thing. It is most likely that you’re an Irish-American stereotype attending a wake in a television cop drama and that you don’t actually exist.
Well, it looks like that's the end of that disaster. I hope this guide helped you out. Happy marryin’.