Fat ApeA collection of interesting links, weird news stories, and other notable dispatches from lower depths of the internet world.
This week: Magnetic Serbians, Bongo Jesus, Gun-Weilding Volleyball Mothers, Infants Utilized As Weapons, Masturbating Burglars, Surprisingly Worthless Superpowers, and The Secret To Eternal Happiness.



Mother Pulls Gun At Daughter's Volleyball Game
A woman believed to be the mother of a Texas seventh-grade volleyball player pulled a gun on a rival team celebrating a lopsided win over her daughter's outmatched squad, officials said Friday.
"She was irate during the game," Keith said. "My understanding, according to the principal, is that the Metzger team lost pretty bad. They were getting hit with balls during the game and were just outmatched."
Keith said girls on the Kirby team had left the gym and were walking to their bus after the game, laughing and celebrating, when the woman approached and threatened to kill one or more of them.
Serbian Schoolgirl Claims To Have Most Worthless Superpower Ever
A Serbian schoolgirl has amazed [naieve] medics with her astonishing [supposedly] magnetic hands. Ten-year-old Jelena Momcilov has [supposedly] been picking up cutlery, coins and even metal furniture by just touching them at her family home in Zeljusa, since she first [claims to have] discovered her powers five years ago.

[Exceedingly gullible] experts at nearby Nis University have urged [real] scientists to investigate. "I'd say this is a kind of unknown bio-magnetism. More experts would need to join me and research what this is all about," said department head Pavle Premovic [who ostensibly falls for every absurd scam which crosses his path].
Woman Swings Baby To Fend Off Walmart Security
Three Syracuse women escaped being stopped by loss prevention officers at a [Walmart] store Wednesday by swinging an occupied baby carrier at one of the store’s loss prevention officers and spraying pepper spray on the store employee and shoppers.
Loss prevention officers at Walmart attempted to stop the three after the women tried to leave the store without paying for more than $1,100 in merchandise. Goode repeatedly swung the baby carrier containing her 3-week-old daughter at the loss prevention officer to avoid being taken into custody and used the carrier to repeatedly push the officer away from her, police said.
Durham then sprayed the pepper spray on the Walmart loss prevention officer and on bystanders before all three escaped into McBean’s car and drove away, police said.

A loss prevention officer was taken to a hospital after suffering an allergic reaction to the pepper spray, police said. The baby was not injured and was turned over to a relative, police said. 
Police Say Man Performed Sex Act Over Sleeping Woman
Police in Florida said they arrested a man who allegedly broke into a woman's apartment and performed a sex act over her while she slept.

Punta Gorda Police said [the man] apparently entered the woman's Gulf Breeze Apartments residence through an unlocked door. She awoke at 8:30 a.m. Thursday and saw the suspect standing over her and performing a sex act on himself.

The woman told police she recognized [the man], who also lives at the apartment complex, but did not know him personally.
Bongo Jesus Allegedly Assaults 52-Year-Old Homeless Man
A Wisconsin street musician known as "Bongo Jesus" allegedly responded to criticism of his guitar playing by hitting his critic on the head with his instrument, police said. "The dispute started over some questionable guitar playing," police spokesman Joel DeSpain said.
A 54-year-old homeless man apparently had an opinion of Hochstrasser's musical ability. Police say he then tackled the man, threw another man into a wall and wrestled with a police sergeant before being subdued with a stun gun and arrested.

Bongo was charged with battery, battery to a police officer, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct.


Regenerate Finger
Woman Regenerates Severed Pinkie [CNN]

5 Rare Tragedies Parents Shouldn't Worry About, And 5 Common Ones They Should [NPR]
Map: Which State Has The Most Smokers [Consumerist]

25 Things Chefs Never Tell You [Yahoo]

Man Stands Up To Airport Security, Pisses Everyone Off, Is Eventually Vindicated [Knifetricks]

10 Things Plumbers Won't Tell You [Smartmoney]




The Secret [Wikipedia Link Provided For Reference Purposes Only. DO NOT BUY THIS BOOK UNLESS YOU ARE AN IDIOT]


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