Top 10 Lists


Okay, so maybe most of these aren't technically top "10" lists. They're more like top "random number of things lists. But you get the idea.

5 Smells They Should Probably Make Into Candles

candleGotta tell you: Not a big fan of the whole scented candle thing. Never have been. The problem is that these scents they choose for the candles are just so uninteresting. Like, I'm looking at the website for Yankee Candle right now. Look at these "top-selling" scents: Fresh Cut Roses? Tropical Fruit? Lilac Blossoms? Booo-ring! You might as well just crawl into your casket right now if you think those are interesting, because brother: You're already dead.

Then, look here, they have Beach Vacation AND Beach Walk. What the hell is the difference!? What, beach Vacation just smells like plain beach, and then for Beach Walk they include the smells of all the soiled condoms and discarded syringes you find washed up on most beaches? Awesome.
 
But anyway, these scented candle makers really need to get more creative or they are going to go out of business. Luckily I've decided to help them out by compiling this list of the candle scents I'd most (and least) like to see.
 

6 Driving Myths Busted: Part 2!

Driving TipsBy Martin "The Baron" Hubley
Howdy folks, and welcome to part 2 of Spectacular Driving Facts. I'm The Baron, and I'll be your guide for the end of this journey across our highways.

Oh, and if you haven't checked out Part 1 of this series yet, you can mosey on over and check it out RIGHT HERE. But let's dig right in and get to the final three delicious driving tips I've got for you. Yumm!

6 Driving Myths: Busted (Spectacular!)

DrivingBy Martin "The Baron" Hubley
It's surprising to me how little most people actually know about cars. Everyone drives them, but it's rare for a person to pop the hood and gander at the green guts of these great beasts of the road. For example, the other day I was chatting with my friend XtricitY, and he made the outrageous claim that a souped-up honda civic could best a stock dodge viper in roadbattle. I set him straight (natch) but not before coming down with a gnarly headache, which was no doubt brought on by my friend's terrifying ignorance.
 
But I suppose you can't expect people to do their own scientific research in these troubled times of ours...I'm sorry to say that youtubes has overtaken the dictionary and thesaurus as the reference book for our generation. It's a sad state of affairds. But hey, you didn't come to hear me wax prophetic about the death of sneakernet, so let's get to some little known facts about cars! Verooom!

10 Things to do Before You Die: Part 2

Bear Fight
Hello and welcome to part two in our one part series: “Ten Things to do Before you Die”. In PART ONE we let three lovely people give us their list of the top ten things that everyone should do before they die, and wouldn’t you know it? This section features more of the same crap. Have a blast.




James Rimwald

James Rimwald – Bus Driver

  1. Produce and direct an episode of Green Acres

  2. Sabotage an expensive piece of equipment

  3. Litter in a national park

  4. Watch all three Extended Editions of the Lord of the Rings films in a row because you are an idiot

  5. Fail to read even a single word written by Earnest Hemmingway

  6. Bend time and space with your mind

  7. Yawn while viewing one of the 7 Wonders of the World

  8. Clip a motorcyclist with your car

  9. Throw momma from the train

  10. Block a street with a bus during the Running of the Bulls




Mort Sully

Mort Sully – Child Psychologist

  1. Laugh in a police officer’s face

  2. Invent a hot new dance

  3. Roll your eyes while watching a popular film

  4. Leap from a moving vehicle

  5. Go on a long hike and begin to regret it almost immediately

  6. Stop being afraid of brown people

  7. Overturn a table during an important college test

  8. Frighten a small child

  9. Read the entire Bible aloud to a small child

  10. Years later, visit the child in the psychiatric wing of a prison after investigators have finally caught up with them and charged them with all twenty-six gruesome murders




Jamie Price

Jamie Price – Animal Trainer

  1. Set off tear gas in a crowded marketplace

  2. Wrongfully accuse a director Michael Bay of a sexual crime

  3. Have an unwanted child out of wedlock

  4. Open an ill-advised small business

  5. Speak with an Asian ghost

  6. Crack some skulls

  7. Wear a pair of Sketchers shoes until they fall apart (2 months)

  8. Vehemently argue with a cashier over 68 cents

  9. Burst out laughing at a children’s play

  10. Sit astride a mighty gryphon and reign vengeance down upon all who would dare oppose you




I thank you for opening your lives and your hearts to these wonderful individuals and their opinions. I invite all of you to join our continuing roundtable discussion on living life to its fullest by dialing 1-777-654-LIVE. That’s 1-777-654-9999. Blessings.

10 Things to do Before You Die

Ride Pig
Who the hell comes up with these “Things to do before you die” lists. Swim with dolphins? Spend New Years Eve in Times Square? Stay out dancing all night? You have got to be kidding me with that crap. I figured I could find better, so I took to the streets and asked six fascinating folks from different walks of life to create their own lists of Ten Things everyone should get done before they kick off. We hope you’ll take some of them into consideration and begin living life to its fullest!




Sherbie Copes

Sherbie Copes – Caricaturist

  1. Carve a shiv out of soap

  2. Heckle the Dalai Lama

  3. Make them pay for what they’ve done

  4. Steal from a homeless person

  5. Fail to ask a woman out because of gnawing fear

  6. Point a rifle at someone you love

  7. Shout at a foreign waiter

  8. Cheat in a marathon

  9. Visit Te Awamutu (Wherever the F*** that is)

  10. Look into a child’s eyes and see the despair of a thousand generations reflected there




Susanna Hardnotch

Susanna Hardnotch - Janitor

  1. Snort cocaine off the hood of a car

  2. Purposely spill hot coffee on your groin and sue

  3. Become frustrated with an illiterate

  4. Buy a guitar and never really attempt to learn to play it

  5. Play a portable video game at a concentration camp

  6. Expose yourself on live national television

  7. Throw something of value into the crater of a volcano

  8. Gleefully cut down a very old tree

  9. Stand next to the speakers at a rock concert

  10. Enjoy being deaf now, you goddamned idiot





Francis James

Francis James - Production Manager

  1. Make a disparaging remark about the Irish, and mean it

  2. Kill and eat an endangered animal

  3. Smear feces across the hood of a brand new Corvette

  4. Feign illness

  5. Get married and before you’re old enough to know what you truly want

  6. Get divorced (Can’t say I didn’t warn you)

  7. Swear deliberately in the presence of a clergyman

  8. Watch the Super Bowl and pretend not to be bored

  9. Heave urine-filled beach balls from a hot air balloon

  10. Take mushrooms and wander wide-eyed through a casino




Wow, wasn't that beautiful? Sometimes it just takes someone outside of your life to really make you say "Huh, I don't care, thanks for wasting my time." Make sure to also keep an eye out for Part 2 of this series, coming sometime to somewhere. Nobody cares.

Edit:
Alright, here is PART 2.

Top 10 Most Ridiculous Cars

Rich Jerk
By M. Anger
Cars. Everybody has them (except really poor people, children, and many people in cities) and everybody loves them (except me). But there are some cars which I hate more than others: The Hummer H2, Dodge Magnum, Chrysler 300, and Mercedes SLR McLaren. These are cars which bring great shame upon themselves and the people who purchase them. Read on for the top 10 most ridiculous cars of all time.

Editor's note: This article does not include 10 cars, only 4. Also, these cars are most certainly not the most ridiculous cars of all time. They are maybe some of the most ridiculous cars of 2004-2007. We apologize for any confusion this may have caused.





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