Top 10 Lists


Okay, so maybe most of these aren't technically top "10" lists. They're more like top "random number of things lists. But you get the idea.

6 Fun Things To Do While You Await The Embrace Of Death

6 Fun Things To Do While You Await The Embrace Of Death
I've never quite understood people who claim to get "bored". If you've got even a little bit of money, there's no end to all the pointless crap you can buy to entertain yourself, and even the working poor should seemingly be kept busy (and so be saved from boredom) by their constant struggle to survive coupled with the relatively inexpensive escape provided by to them the abuse of alcohol.
 
But, for those who still claim to "have nothing to do" I will provide this list which may or may not contain six suggestions of highly original and universally pleasurable time-killing activities I may possibly enjoy the idea of participating in from time to time.

Myths, Lies, & Freedom: 5 Reasons Bottled Water Is Superior To Tap Water

5 Reasons Bottled Water Is Superior To Tap Water
The more observant among you may have noticed that there has been a fairly extreme smear campaign launched against bottled water by Big Government and the leftist newsmedia of late. This comes as no surprise, as the ability to purchase and casually discard nonbiodegradable plastic receptacles is one of the few personal freedoms which remain available to us in this increasingly socialistic world of ours.
 
Which is precisely why it is imperative that people realize that claims such as "bottled water creates unnecessary waste", "bottled water is less safe than tap water", or "most bottled water is just tap water that costs 600% more" are nothing more than lies perpetuated by politically correct, freedom-hating rabblerousers.
 
So with that in mind, please have a look at five of the many reasons why it is your civic duty to consume bottled water over tap water.

Top 10 Rock & Roll Albums of All Time

The Baron's Top 10 Rock & Roll Albums Of All Time
The BaronHowdy internet fans, it's your old pal Martin "The Baron" Hubley with another top ten list to shake the foundations of your musical knowledge to their very cores! Those of you who know me best will agree that I have one passion and one passion only: Rock & Roll. My naughtiest fantasy is to climb into a hotrod, crank up my fave rock radio station to full, and cruise down the coast, honking at thick & juicy honeys while bobbing my head to the sound of wailing guitars and nonstop drums.
 
Some say rock ain't what it used to be, but I tend to disagree. There are plenty of high quality rock albums out there, you just have to know where to look (namely: right here in this very article).
 
Fair Warning: There are going to be some pretty controversial choices in here, as I don't often follow the crowd. But keep reading if you've got the guts, and you'll be rewarded with hours of rock and roll hijinks. That's a promise!

4 of The Stupidest As Seen On TV Products Ever

4 Stupidest Infomercial Products Of All Time
I've always been a big fan of As Seen On TV gadgets. Not in a "wow, this stuff is actually pretty cool and useful" sort of way though. It's more like an "Oh my god, this is the most hilarious piece of crap I have ever seen, I can't even believe it" kind of thing. Even at their very best, infomercial products often offer nothing more than a slightly more expensive way to accomplish a task which wasn't really all that important in the first place (I am looking directly at you, Magic Bullet). Of course, this very fact is exactly what makes them so entertaining.
 
So let's take a look at four of the dumbest infomercialesque products currently on the market: The Backup, Instant Arm Lift, The Freedom Tray, and Jingle Jugs. Yeah, I know! Even the names are fantastic.

5 Absurdly Specific Simulator Games Whose Existence I Find Puzzling

5 Ridiculous & Overly Specific Simulator Games
Looking through PC game new release lists lately, I'm puzzled by the apparent abundance of what I like to call "Monotonous Task Simulators". These games take the idea of Flight Simulator or Train Simulator (which, if you ask me, already push the boundaries of dullness) and develop similar games in which you perform jobs or activities which were not inherently interesting in the first place. So imagine a Carpet Sample Choosing Simulator, or an Ethnic Grocery Store Vandalism Simulator, or a or Being Forced To Reiterate The Point You Made Only Moments Before Because Nobody Was Listening Simulator.
 
OK, so obviously those aren't real games (yet), but with deathly serious titles like Fork-Lift Truck Simulator and Garbage Disposal Simulator being released frequently, it's not too far-fetched to assume that some day someone might develop a "Fail In Your Attempt to Make a Cat's Cradle To Impress a Rodeo Clown" Simulator. As insane as the idea might seem, I'm sure there'd be an audience for it somewhere.
 
But hey, here's a short list of five of the dullest/weirdest simulator games available today.

Review: 6 Overrated Films From The IMDB Top 250

6 Overrated Films From The IMDB Top 250 - Star Trek
In case you hadn't noticed, I'm this guy who runs his own website. This makes my opinion only slightly more valuable than some random guy in a baseball cap who signed up for IMDB and gave The Truman Show 10 stars. Only slightly more valuable, but more valuable nonetheless.

So you just know that when I decide to review of a number of fairly old films which I believe to be wrongfully beloved, people are going to listen. And by "people", I mean "not very many people at all and possibly nobody". And by "are going to listen", I mean "are going to skim the intro and maybe the first paragraph and before clicking over to an article written by somebody with actual talent".

In any case, here is a short list of movies I don't really like that somehow made it on the IMDB Top 250, causing me to become slightly exasperated.

10 Idiotic Things To Do Before You Die

10 Idiotic Things to Do Before You Die - Base Jumping
"Things To Do Before You Die" lists are intended to remind us that "life is precious", and that we should "live each day to it's fullest, lest we die unhappy". Obviously this is easier said than done, and as such, many people often dismiss these sorts of sentiments as meaningless, idealistic garbage. But this may be somewhat unfair. If one did wish to begin the journey towards enlightenment, I can think of no better path than one which begins by mindlessly taking part in a number of broadly defined feel-good clichés as suggested a list compiled by unimaginative Chicken Soup For The Soul lovers who have recently become motivational speakers and are also high on ecstasy.
 
These lists are also known as "Bucket Lists", a term which was popularized by the 2007 film of the same name. A film which, might I add, was so utterly insipid, saccharine, and melodramatic that I myself was only able to get through the first 5 minute of it before slipping into a diabetic coma, from which I emerged 12 years later, no worse for the wear, and yet puzzlingly unrefreshed.
 
So it was with great trepidation that I began my research into the actual bucket lists themselves. My quest: To find 10 of the most offensively stupid items which are often included on bucket lists. Here are the results.

4 Worthless Technologies of The Future

Awful Scifi Tech: 4 Failed Future Technologies
As of the time this is being written, the year is 2010. It is officially The Future. Not quite what you expected, right? From what I was told, by this time were supposed to have become a race of golden brown superhumans with cheap and easy access to all the sex goggles, synthetic tree bark, and all the child abuse simulators we could carry. Obviously this has not come to pass. Unfortunately, when it comes to cool future technologies like hoverboards or pianos that play themselves (!), science has failed us utterly, electing instead to focus its efforts on decidedly un-fantastical technologies like heart valve replacement surgery, cordless telephones, and low-sodium Wheat Thins.
 
Not that I'm complaining about how things have turned out. It's also true that there are plenty of hypothetical "Future" technologies we are better off without. Here are four of the worst offenders.
 

10 Absurd & Unsettling Fiverr Posts

10 Absurd & Unsettling Fiverr Posts - In Drag
The idea behind fiverr is pretty simple: People post activities they're willing to perform for five dollars, and if anyone feels like paying them to do it, they can go right ahead.

There seems to be a decent filtering system in place, because 90% of the posts seem legit (e.g. "I will write a short story for you", "I will make a custom blog theme for you". "I will draw a picture of you" etc), but luckily for me, there are still plenty of insane people and sick freaks posting stuff too.

Here are a few of the strangest pledges I've come across so far.

Top 10 Reasons to Use Herbal & All-Natural Remedies

Top 10 Reasons To Take Herbal & All-Natural Remedies
FDA-Approved medicine is for suckers. In case you hadn't heard...all-natural remedies are the wave of the future! Why go all-natural? The reasons are so simple that even uneducated people who don't believe in taking pills can understand them: Health and Happiness. Studies have shown that those who use herbal remedies are far healthier and far happier than those who use over-the-counter and prescription drugs. If you don't believe me, you need only look to the internet to find thousands upon thousands of poorly written Angelfire webpages cryptically citing studies of indeterminate origin as proof that herbal remedies are effective.
 
So since I'm such a huge proponent of haphazardly ingesting untested substances to cure illnesses I may or may not have, I've decided to make up this list of the ten best reasons to switch over to all-natural remedies.

Top 10 Things I'd Do With a Million Bucks

Top 10 Things I'd Do With a Million Bucks
By Martin "The Baron' Hubley
Top 10 Things I'd Do With a Million BucksSome people say money can't buy happiness, but obviously these folks have never been rich! Yes, being filthy rich has been the dream of every hot-blooded human being since pirate times, myself included! Due to my higher-functioning brain, my dreams are EXTREMELY vivid as well, so the money seems even more real! Often, I'll even wake up crying from a particularly beautiful dream and feel ornery for the rest of the day because I know I am trapped in the real world, and that Drak'Thul (the magnificent gold city of dragons) no longer exists, and that I can only visit it in my mind.
 
But I don't mean to bring y'alls down. Let's cheer up a bit by taking a gaunder at the list of the top 10 things I would do with one million smackards. Enjoy!

12 (More) Puzzling Complaints From Stupid Customers

15 More Puzzling Complaints From Stupid Consumers

PART 1 of this series featured some some of the best customer complaints I could find on my new favorite website: ComplaintsBoard.com. But consumer action does not sleep! There are still plenty of fairly unpleasant people who feel they have been severely wronged by the actions of various Burger King & Safeway employees, and I must help to ensure that their whining voices are heard!

All aboard the payback train. First stop: Justicetown.


The Baron's Top 10 Movies of 2009

Top 10 Movies of 2009 - Rambo
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
The BaronGreetings and salutations viewers! This is your old pal The Baron here, ringing in the new year for one and all. I was thinking about the best way to celebrate the fresh century and I came up with what I think is a pretty darn fantastic idea: I would create a list of my favorite movies of 2009! So that's exactly what I did, I went through "fave films" section my dream journal and picked out the rootinist, tootinist, shootinist list of the greatest movies I had seen last in the old zero niner.
 
So grab a sack of butter and cover your heads, because Baron Marty's about to drop some movie knowledge on yall's heads.

15 Puzzling Complaints From Stupid Customers

15 Complaints From Stupid Consumers - Shopping Carts
I'm sure Complaintsboard.com was originally intended to be a website where frustrated consumers could go to report harmful or shady business practices of different retailers, exposing them as frauds and possibly causing them to go out of business.

Unfortunately, it isn't really working out that way. Complaintsboard is less about consumer rights and more about semiliterate adults with learning disabilities who believe a business has wronged them in some petty way pecking out (usually IN CAPS) incomprehensible messages to companies that will never, ever read them. Nothing useful is accomplished, and no one is helped.

So yeah, it's pretty great!

5 Phrases Nerds Should Really Stop Using

  Nerds Stop Saying
As far as I'm concerned, the term "Nerd" has been rendered all but meaningless. I wouldn't use it at all, except I'm not sure how else I'm supposed to describe people who play World of Warcraft for 33 hours straight while listening to a single Dragonforce song on repeat, or who will say "lawl" out loud without a hint of hesitation or self-consciousness. So let's just say I'm updating Nerd for the 21st century. Now, instead of pocket protectors, glasses, and Dungeons & Dragons, Nerd signifies an unreasonable love of anime, horrifyingly frequent postings on message boards, and a complete and utter lack of anything resembling originality.
 
These are the social cripples, the sniveling masturbators. Rejected (some would say rightly so) by their schoolyard peers, they have sought refuge amongst the similarly-damaged youths who make up the online collective. Here, they are given the opportunity to climb a reverse social ladder, one in which the individual is not rewarded for attractiveness, physical prowess, cleverness, or the ability to abstain from using racial slurs, but rather by Time Spent Grinding, Posts Per Hour, and (most relevant to this article) The Ability to Deliberately Mimic The Deliriously Annoying & Repetitive Patterns of Speech Favored By One's Online Peers. Which is to say: There are far too many internet nerds perpetuating rock-stupid verbal memes.
 
Below are a few common nerdly phrases which--when used--cause me to become unreasonably upset.

Top 5 Movies of All Time!

Movie
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
As many of you may be aware, I am quite practitioner of watching amazing movies. I often get requests from my friends for recommendations of what movies I think are the "Best Ever". "The Baron" they have been known to say to me, "There are so many movies out there! What's the quint's essential film I can watch to increase my carnal knowledge of movies and films?" The answer, I always have to tell them, is not so simple that can be said in a single sentence. So I decided to head them off at the past by creating this essential short list of what I believe to be the greatest movies ever made.  
 
These are not only high budget studio picks either, I've also included some lower budget (AKA "Indy" films) on this list for your viewing pleasure. So sit back, pop open a Dew and a bag of Poffs, and enjoy this fun-soaked ride into movie greatness.

7 Tips For Surviving Police Encounters

 Cops
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
America's police force is said to be the greatest in the world. However, this does not mean it is perfect. Far from it, actually. The biggest problem we have here is nosy cops. I tell you, these smokeys (slang for police officer) just won't let up! I can't count the number of times I, or some of my friends have been harassed for no reason at all by the police.
 
In one such instance me and my pal Trevvor had just gotten done at Dragon-Con and were heading back to the hotel. We were still in our costumes. I had gone as the grand black Dragon Kenshin (my spirit namesake), he as the dragon tamer Ulysses. Suddenly out of nowhere a police cruiser pulled up and began barging us with questions. "Who are you?" "What are you doing?" "Why are you wearing dragon suit?" Suddenly I felt the great soul of my spirit dragon anger welling from within me. I could not control it. I began shouting elder curses in dragonith whilst bearing my gold-capped fangs (custom made, natch) at them. Needless to say, they backed off, but if I wouldn't have had Kenshin's spirit to protect me who knows what might've happened. But since most of you aren't fortunate enough to have the spirit of a powerful dragon living within you, I've written this guide to teach you how to show the police who's boss.
 

5 More Swordfighting Tips for Sworders

Sword KidBy Martin "The Baron" Hubley
I recently saw a story in the "news" in which a young boy diced up a would-be robber using only his samurai sword. The criminal was killed. The author tried to paint a grim picture of the boy as a needless murderer ("he should've just called the police!"), but I obviously he was more than a little bias against freedom! This man was creeping about in the boy's own personal garage! He may have been attempting to thieve a pair of cross-country skis, a child's baseball mitt, or a cordless hedge trimmer with a battery which no longer holds a charge. You may not see these items as important enough to murder over, but remember that they belonged to an AMERICAN CITIZEN. Might I remind you that the 5th amendment of the constitution of the America allows us to protect our property any means necessary, including murder.
 
Hear that you fat cat liberals in Washington? ANY MEANS NECESSARY. So if I wake up one night and head downstairs to find a crooker attempting to escape with an armful of my beloved Naruto DVDs, you can be damn sure I won't be calling the fuzz. I'll slice him up with one of my blades without even a second thought. "Hyah! Hyeah!" two direct hits! Thump. His head hits the ground. Crooks beware!

5 White Hot Swordfighting Tips for Swordfighters

LarpBy Martin "The Baron" Hubley
Combat using swords is harder than most civilians would imagine. You not only need skill in handling the weapon, but also the mental conviction to deliver the killing blow (when needed).

There are also many lesser-known factors most laymen don't consider about weapons combat. Factors like balance. Balancing is actually the most difficult part of hand to hand combat, and there are many things about balance that people don't realize. For example: did you know that balance is 20% mental, 20% physical, and 60% based on sight? It's really quite remarkable. If you don't believe me, simply try to jump up and down or walk forwards with your eyes closed. That's right, you can't do it. This is because of balance.
 
Read on for 5 of my hottest tips for swordplay beginners.
 

6 Popular Smells I Do Not Appreciate

Ash TrayIn a previous article I went over 6 SMELLS THEY SHOULD PROBABLY MAKE INTO CANDLES. This article was a runaway success (racking up over 6 views in a mere eighteen days) so in light if this I've decided to take a look at the 6 candle scents I would most definitely not like to see, or rather, six popular smells I do not appreciate (as it says in the title up there). If those descriptions are too complicated for you though, you can also think of this article as Six Smells I Hate, or These Six Things Stink, Get Rid of Them. Or if that's still too complicated you also can think of this article as the other article (the one about good smells)'s evil twin. Here, I'll even give it a goatee so you can tell the two apart. It is my understanding that every evil twin is supposed to have a goatee.




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