Top 10 Lists
Okay, so maybe most of these aren't technically top "10" lists. They're more like top "random number of things lists. But you get the idea.
Rest assured: I'm well aware that I've already published way too many pointless photo galleries of Nonsensical Warning Signs. I also know that I'm probably the only sentient creature in the universe who finds stick figures being dismembered so entertaining, but what can I say? I like 'em!
So for what is probably the last time, I've [borrowed] a bunch of signs from The Stick Figures In Peril Flickr Pool and reposted them here without getting permission from any of the wonderful people who actually took the time to photograph and upload them.
But hey, if you own any of these pictures and don't want some asshole like me using them, just Send Me An Annoyed Email and I'll remove them right away.
If there's one thing I've learned from inadvertently catching a glimpse of the cover stories of various women's magazines while waiting for dental appointments, it's this: When it comes to sex, men are extremely difficult to please. Don't be discouraged if this sounds preposterous to you. Most revolutionary ideas seem this way at first, due to our brain's inability to properly process brand-new, mindblowingly radical concepts.
Take, for example, actor Paul Sorvino's reaction to one of his most popular films, Goodfellas. Upon attending the premier, he was shocked and unsettled by the film, and claimed to have regretted appearing in it. But with the passage of time, he came to recognize that the confusing feeling he had experienced in that theater was not hatred or disgust, but his mind being blown, and he later would later theorize that the film was so good that it had left him "in a state of shock."
So all I ask is that you think of this article as the "Goodfellas" of internet sex guides. The first time you read it, you might think your brain is saying, "This nothing but an unfocused collection of underdeveloped ideas masquerading as a list of sex tips for women and I hope the person who wrote it dies of burns", when what you're actually thinking is "while my own intellectual failings have made it all but impossible for me to comprehend these brilliant and revolutionary sex tips, but at least I can still appreciate that the author has written about sex, because hey: Sex."
Some were simply lists of mildly scary or violent horror films ("Don't take your date to see Chuckie or The Grudge 2!"), others were filled with blatantly obvious or borderline idiotic choices ("Deliverance! Schindler's List! Kids! Caligula!"), and most of the rest appeared to have been written by brain-damaged ESL students battling prescription drug addictions ("Number 10: Aids disease is not become laughing. But does your date? Potential.")
So seeing as none of these were particularly useful to me, I decided to attempt to fill this void by creating my own list of Bad First Date Movies. And while I can't promise you quality, I can promise some measure of quantity. So there's that.
Oh, and also, I reveal nearly every single meaningful plot point in all of these films. So take that into account before you read this.
Question: Is this simply a numbered list of leftover "B-Side" fetishes from the Top 20 Weird Sexual Fetishes Article You Published A While Ago?
Answer: Sort of. This list does, in fact, contain the fetishes I didn't have space for in the original article. It also contains many fetishes which don't even exist. If you'd like to know why this is the case, I'm afraid I can't help you. But I can tell you that some of the fetishes below are probably real.
The answers are at the end, if you feel like cheating. Thank you, and good luck.
A lot of people will tell you that to be successful as a writer, that you should always "Write What You Know." Depending on which writers you talk to, this idea is either lifechangingly brilliant, or pure, unadulterated, greeting card bullshit. I guess I'd say I stand somewhere in the middle.
I will admit that in the beginning, I tried to "write what I knew", but it didn't take me long to realize that I didn't know much about anything anyone cared about. No worries though; I just decided to modify the phrasing slightly so it would apply to me, and then used that as my writing mantra.
So: "Write What You Know" became "Write a few worthwhile paragraphs on a random topic like before becoming bored and simply cluttering-up the remainder of the article with irrelevant rants, tiring nonsequitors, and run on sentences so long that a lot of the time upon reaching the end you'll be lost entirely and yet too indifferent to care".
All-in-all, I'd say things worked out pretty well so far. Oh, and also, on a semi-related related note: Below this intro you'll find an article in which I good-naturedly complain about oddly specific things which annoy me.
If you could find the time to look through it for me, I'd really be much obliged.
Okay, look: I realize I've already milked Two Entire photo galleries out Stick Figure Warning Signs Which Are Occasionally Difficult To Understand. I realize that. But times are tough, you know? What can I say. I found a bunch more pictures of messed-up street signs I liked, so I figured, hey: Why not organize them into gallery format and display them on the internet?
So I did, and here they are.
Depending on who you ask, the growing popularity of "Top 10" articles on the internet is either A. The surest proof that humankind is becoming steadily dumber and a troubling harbinger of the coming Idiocracy, or B. Pretty neat because they are fun and looking at numbered things is easier than reading words in a dumb old book anyhow.
Which of these theories is correct? I'm afraid I don't really know. But as a respected Orthopedic Surgeon and Semiretired Professor of Internet Sociology I do feel that I am uniquely equipped to explain to you the reasons for the proliferation of Top 10 Lists. And although I could easily summarize these reasons in one or two sentences, I feel it is my obligation as an Internet Content Creator to needlessly dilute them by stretching them out into a Top 10 List instead.
So here are (in no particular order) the Top 10 Reasons Why Top 10 Lists Are So Popular.
Of all the pointless and antiquated traditions humans infuriatingly continue to adhere to, shaking hands is probably the one I resent me the most. I'm not quite sure why I hate the idea of handshakes so much, and since it'd take more than a few sessions with a psychiatrist to figure it out, I'll probably never know for sure. But if I had to guess, it'd say it's probably a combination of two things:
- Handshakes serve no practical purpose and I see them as phony and insincere.
- I'm a contrarian sociopath who derives pleasure from flouting social codes I disapprove of.
In all honestly, it's probably 99% due to the latter, but in the end, I guess it doesn't really matter why I hate handshakes. I just do. What's really important is that I've come up with this list of ways to get out of shaking hands. Granted, this guide won't be of much use to actual well-rounded adults, but certain groups people (Germaphobes, Insufferable Iconoclasts, Angry Goth Teens, etc) will likely find it very useful.
So with that in mind, here are 9 sneaky and underhanded ways to get out of shaking someone's hand.
It seems like all you ever hear about is how awful it is to get old. Back pain, high blood pressure, grey hair, rest homes, the inability to see or hear anything, heart attacks, and death (yawn) and just a few of the "negatives" which make aging seem less than desirable.
But here's what the pessimists don't tell you: There are also many positive aspects to aging, many of which are cool enough to outweigh the shitty stuff. Then again, I may be somewhat biased when it comes to the elderly, as at the age of 27, I already posses many "old people" traits.
My hair is already going grey, I complain constantly, take far too many pills, spend almost my entire day napping, find loud music obnoxious, and in public places I go out of my way to avoid groups of teenagers because who knows they might be Kubrickian hooligans who'd jump me "just for kicks". So maybe I'm an old person in spirit already. Who knows.
Either way, I think you'll find that I still have some valid reasons why it'll be awesome to get old. Take a look.
If you work in an office with a communal refrigerator, there's a good chance that you (or someone you love) has been a victim of Lunch Theft. Those afflicted with Lunch Theft are often left feeling angry, depressed, hopeless, and even--somewhat bewilderingly--sexually violated. But it is important for victims of Lunch Theft to remember that they are not alone. In fact, it is estimated by the Federated Association of The National Council of Meat that sixteen out of ever hundred office lunches is eaten (without permission) by someone other than the rightful owner of the lunch.
As law enforcement is little help when it comes to "some guy eating another guy's pizza rolls", victims of lunchcrime are left with two choices:
A. Starve to death
B. Seek revenge against those who have wronged them by spiking food with various substances and leaving it in the fridge as "bait".
I'll just say straight away that if you came here looking for a guide on how to starve to death, you're going to be sorely disappointed. But if, on the other hand, you were looking strictly for information related to the poisoning of lunch-theving coworkers, I think you'll be pleased with the list I've compiled here.
Whether you believe it in or not, there's really no denying that The Bible contains some of the most amusingly vulgar material ever committed to paper.
And while I've probably already covered "The Worst Of The Worst" (e.g. gang rape, unholy semen spillage, father-daughter incest, etc) in Part 1 Of My Biblical Filth Series, there are still a couple more--let's call them "tawdry"--passages I'd like to share with people who might not have actually read The Bible (you know, like most Christians?).
So here are five more crude and/or offensive Bible stories you may not have heard of.
When it comes to awful environmental superheroes, there few lamer than Captain Planet. If you have to ask why this is the case, I can only assume you're not too familiar with Captain Planet, because let me tell you: Dude has got some obvious issues.
But I think my favorite thing about Captain Planet is the ease with which he can ridiculed. For indeed, so lame is he, that one does not even need to actively "make fun" of him or his show, because simply listing various facts about him is enough to send most people into fits of derisive laughter. This makes it extremely easy for a writer as lazy as I am to craft a decent article about him, which I do appreciate a great deal.
So here are just eight (of the oh so many) reasons that Captain Planet is the crappiest, lamest, most utterly worthless "superhero" ever.
I've always been a huge fan of Slate.com's "Explainer" Series. Its purpose is simple: To answer (sometimes unasked) questions about various issues that come up in the news or everyday life. These questions run the gamut from basic trivia questions ("When Did Prisoners Start Dressing In Orange"), to the taboo or obscene ("What would happen if you snorted cremated remains", "Are Both Father And [Adult] Daughter Culpable In Cases Of Incest?") questions you've probably never allowed yourself to consider.
Of course, The Vast Archive Containing Hundreds Upon Hundreds Of These Questions is available for your perusal (and I encourage you to do so), but just in case you don't feel like spending all that time, I've compiled a list of 30 of the best ones here (without permission, naturally).
And if you think linking to a bunch of articles I didn't have anything to do with is just a cheap way of getting out of having to write anything: Congratulations, you are right. Welcome to the internet.
A recent Gallup pool found that a full 78% of Americans, upon hearing someone use the phrase "Let's Touch Base", are overcome by a nearly uncontrollable urge to grit their teeth, wrap their fingers around the speaker's neck, and squeeze until they hear the wet, satisfying pop which signifies a crushed trachea.
And who can blame them? The absurd language of "business" has no place within a civilized society such as ours. In fact, I might even go so far as to say that a brutal, fully-conscious strangulation may even be too merciful a punishment for those who willingly use terms like "Team Player" and "Think Outside The Box" without hint of shame or sarcasm.
But anyway, if you want to ensure you're not gonna be throttled to death by some guy who doesn't like you talking like a corporate tool, you should probably go ahead and check out this list of awful business terms which fill me with an impotent rage.
It has been said that if The Bible were to be faithfully adapted for the big screen, it would almost certainly be the most astonishingly obscene film ever made. I doubt that anyone who is familiar with The Written Word Of God would contest this. The subject matter of the Old Testament alone (with its constant graphic brutality, genocide, casual incest, and countless rapes) would be more than enough to earn The Good Book an NC-17 rating.
In light of this, I thought it might be fun to compile a list of five of the most amusing, inappropriate, and potentially offensive passages in The Bible. Fair Warning though: Although everything discussed in the following sections can be directly attributed to God Himself (I've even provided detailed links to the passages in question), things still get fairly graphic, so you probably don't want to let your kid read it (those who are easily offended by wiseasses providing glib and irreverent commentaries on the smutty portions of sacred religious texts would do well to avoid it also).
Ray Kroc (the ruthless entrepreneur often held responsible for the success of McDonalds), gets a lot of posthumous respect, and frankly, as someone who used to work at McDonald's, this really pisses me off.
What's so bad about Ray Kroc? Here's one example: He is said to have coined the phrase "If You’ve got time to lean, you’ve got time to clean." This pretty much tells you everything you need to know about Mr. Kroc's attitude towards his employees. I can only assume Kroc decided to publicize this motto because he feared his two other favorite sayings, "Clean it now up or you're back on food stamps" and "You're only here because you're still cheaper than a robot" might not have endeared him to the public quite as much.
So in honor of this cruel obsessive-compulsive tyrant's memory, here are five fascinating (and potentially libelous) things you probably didn't know about Ray "The Kommendant" Kroc.
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there's a pretty decent chance you're going to die. Don't feel bad, it happens to the best of us. At the very least, you can take solace in the fact that you're in good company. I have it on good authority that a number of famous people have also died. St. Thomas Aquinas, for example. And George Carlin? Long gone. Kurt Vonnegut kicked off only recently as well. Why, even old Donny "The Royal Asshole" Regan ate it eventually, despite his repeated assurances that he'd be sticking around indefinitely to "keep his boot upon the necks of the poor".
I guess my point is that it isn't the inevitability of death which frightens most of us. No, most people worry about the way they'll go. A lucky few will go quietly in their sleep, some will experience a massive thrombotic stroke while piloting a motorized scooter, and others will (puzzling though it may be) somehow manage to receive a stray bullet to the brainstem while ogling children at a Chuckie Cheese.
And while goes without saying that most people have very little say in the method of their own demise, it is sometimes possible to steer the hand of fate in a certain direction. So for those who are interested in achieving a more interesting death, here are (in no particular order) The Top Five Most Fascinating Ways To Die.
Choosing the proper name for a newborn child is no easy task. If you choose something too common, your kid may turn out to be a dimwittedly successful but utterly joyless human being like George "The Miser" Lucas, Jay "Lowest-Common-Denominator" Leno, or Steven "I'm Seriously A Real Cop" Seagal. But if you pick something too off-the-wall like Moonshadow, Cockjob, or Bridge To Terabithia: Look out. Your kid'll get hassled so much that they'll probably end up going all cutty-cutty or shooty-shooty before they've even reached their fourteenth birthday, and that's not something any parent wants.
So, as with most things in life, the secret here is to find a happy medium. Choose a name that's just quirky and original enough to turn some heads, and your baby is almost assured a place within the pantheon of Happy Successful People With Cool Names like Galileo Whateverhislastnamewas, Nicholas If-Jesus-Christ-Had-Not-Died-For-Thee-Thou-Hadst-Been-Damned Barbon, or Bobcat Goldwaith.
So to help you on your way, here is my exhaustive list of the Coolest Baby Names Of All Time.
Like many people, I was, at one time, afflicted with crippling self-esteem issues. In the end, it was only through hard work, perseverance, intellectual dishonesty, and the gleeful exploitation of those less fortunate was I finally able to achieve something resembling inner-peace.
So seeing as I have some experience in the field, I figured I'd share with you seven amazing self-improvement tips which will almost certainly help you feel better about who you are.
I've never quite understood people who claim to get "bored". If you've got even a little bit of money, there's no end to all the pointless crap you can buy to entertain yourself, and even the working poor should seemingly be kept busy (and so be saved from boredom) by their constant struggle to survive coupled with the relatively inexpensive escape provided by to them the abuse of alcohol.
But, for those who still claim to "have nothing to do" I will provide this list which may or may not contain six suggestions of highly original and universally pleasurable time-killing activities I may possibly enjoy the idea of participating in from time to time.