Top 10 Lists

If there's one thing I've learned from inadvertently catching a glimpse of the cover stories of various women's magazines while waiting for dental appointments, it's this: When it comes to sex, men are extremely difficult to please. Don't be discouraged if this sounds preposterous to you. Most revolutionary ideas seem this way at first, due to our brain's inability to properly process brand-new, mindblowingly radical concepts.

Take, for example, actor Paul Sorvino's reaction to one of his most popular films, Goodfellas. Upon attending the premier, he was shocked and unsettled by the film, and claimed to have regretted appearing in it. But with the passage of time, he came to recognize that the confusing feeling he had experienced in that theater was not hatred or disgust, but his mind being blown, and he later would later theorize that the film was so good that it had left him "in a state of shock."

So all I ask is that you think of this article as the "Goodfellas" of internet sex guides. The first time you read it, you might think your brain is saying, "This nothing but an unfocused collection of underdeveloped  ideas masquerading as a list of sex tips for women and I hope the person who wrote it dies of burns", when what you're actually thinking is "while my own intellectual failings have made it all but impossible for me to comprehend these brilliant and revolutionary sex tips, but at least I can still appreciate that the author has written about sex, because hey: Sex."

Question: Is this simply a numbered list of leftover "B-Side" fetishes from the Top 20 Weird Sexual Fetishes Article You Published A While Ago?

Answer: Sort of. This list does, in fact, contain the fetishes I didn't have space for in the original article. It also contains many fetishes which don't even exist. If you'd like to know why this is the case, I'm afraid I can't help you. But I can tell you that some of the fetishes below are probably real.

The answers are at the end, if you feel like cheating. Thank you, and good luck.

Okay, look: I realize I've already milked Two Entire photo galleries out Stick Figure Warning Signs Which Are Occasionally Difficult To Understand. I realize that. But times are tough, you know? What can I say. I found a bunch more pictures of messed-up street signs I liked, so I figured, hey: Why not organize them into gallery format and display them on the internet?

So I did, and here they are.

Of all the pointless and antiquated traditions humans infuriatingly continue to adhere to, shaking hands is probably the one I resent me the most. I'm not quite sure why I hate the idea of handshakes so much, and since it'd take more than a few sessions with a psychiatrist to figure it out, I'll probably never know for sure. But if I had to guess, it'd say it's probably a combination of two things:
 

1. Handshakes serve no practical purpose and I see them as phony and insincere.
2. I'm a contrarian sociopath who derives pleasure from flouting social codes I disapprove of.

 
In all honestly, it's probably the latter one more than the former, but int he end, I guess it doesn't really matter why I hate handshakes. What's really important is that I've come up with this list of ways to get out of shaking hands. Granted, this guide won't be of much use to actual well-rounded adults, but certain groups people (Germaphobes, Insufferable Iconoclasts, Angry Goth Teens, etc) will likely find it very useful.
 
So with that in mind, here are 9 sneaky and underhanded ways to get out of shaking someone's hand.

If you work in an office with a communal refrigerator, there's a good chance that you (or someone you love) has been a victim of Lunch Theft. Those afflicted with Lunch Theft are often left feeling angry, depressed, hopeless, and even--somewhat bewilderingly--sexually violated. But it is important for victims of Lunch Theft to remember that they are not alone. In fact, it is estimated by the Federated Association of The National Council of Meat that sixteen out of ever hundred office lunches is eaten (without permission) by someone other than the rightful owner of the lunch.

As law enforcement is little help when it comes to "some guy eating another guy's pizza rolls", victims of lunchcrime are left with two choices:

A. Starve to death

B. Seek revenge against those who have wronged them by spiking food with various substances and leaving it in the fridge as "bait".

I'll just say straight away that if you came here looking for a guide on how to starve to death, you're going to be sorely disappointed. But if, on the other hand, you were looking strictly for information related to the poisoning of lunch-theving coworkers, I think you'll be pleased with the list I've compiled here.

When it comes to awful environmental superheroes, there few lamer than Captain Planet. If you have to ask why this is the case, I can only assume you're not too familiar with Captain Planet, because let me tell you: Dude has got some obvious issues.

But I think my favorite thing about Captain Planet is the ease with which he can ridiculed. For indeed, so lame is he, that one does not even need to actively "make fun" of him or his show, because simply listing various facts about him is enough to send most people into fits of derisive laughter. This makes it extremely easy for a writer as lazy as I am to craft a decent article about him, which I do appreciate a great deal.
 
So here are just eight (of the oh so many) reasons that Captain Planet is the crappiest, lamest, most utterly worthless "superhero" ever.

A recent Gallup pool found that a full 78% of Americans, upon hearing someone use the phrase "Let's Touch Base", are overcome by a nearly uncontrollable urge to grit their teeth, wrap their fingers around the speaker's neck, and squeeze until they hear the wet, satisfying pop which signifies a crushed trachea.
 
And who can blame them? The absurd language of "business" has no place within a civilized society such as ours. In fact, I might even go so far as to say that a brutal, fully-conscious strangulation may even be too merciful a punishment for those who willingly use terms like "Team Player" and "Think Outside The Box" without hint of shame or sarcasm.
 
But anyway, if you want to ensure you're not gonna be throttled to death by some guy who doesn't like you talking like a corporate tool, you should probably go ahead and check out this list of awful business terms which fill me with an impotent rage.

Ray Kroc (the ruthless entrepreneur often held responsible for the success of McDonalds), gets a lot of posthumous respect, and frankly, as someone who used to work at McDonald's, this really pisses me off.
 
What's so bad about Ray Kroc? Here's one example: He is said to have coined the phrase "If You’ve got time to lean, you’ve got time to clean." This pretty much tells you everything you need to know about Mr. Kroc's attitude towards his employees. I can only assume Kroc decided to publicize this motto because he feared his two other favorite sayings, "Clean it now up or you're back on food stamps" and "You're only here because you're still cheaper than a robot" might not have endeared him to the public quite as much.
 
So in honor of this cruel obsessive-compulsive tyrant's memory, here are five fascinating (and potentially libelous) things you probably didn't know about Ray "The Kommendant" Kroc.

Choosing the proper name for a newborn child is no easy task. If you choose something too common, your kid may turn out to be a dimwittedly successful but utterly joyless human being like George "The Miser" Lucas, Jay "Lowest-Common-Denominator" Leno, or Steven "I'm Seriously A Real Cop" Seagal. But if you pick something too off-the-wall like Moonshadow, Cockjob, or Bridge To Terabithia: Look out. Your kid'll get hassled so much that they'll probably end up going all cutty-cutty or shooty-shooty before they've even reached their fourteenth birthday, and that's not something any parent wants.
 
So, as with most things in life, the secret here is to find a happy medium. Choose a name that's just quirky and original enough to turn some heads, and your baby is almost assured a place within the pantheon of Happy Successful People With Cool Names like Galileo Whateverhislastnamewas, Nicholas If-Jesus-Christ-Had-Not-Died-For-Thee-Thou-Hadst-Been-Damned Barbon, or Bobcat Goldwaith.
 
So to help you on your way, here is my exhaustive list of the Coolest Baby Names Of All Time.