RELIGION

HOW TO BE POSSESSED BY A DEMON

How To Be Possessed By A Demon 
We are all of us haunted by demons. Most of these demons are trivial, figurative demons (like self-doubt or chronic alcoholism), but this is not the only type of demon. No, there also exists a significantly less benign demon: Evil spirits who seize control of our bodies and bend them to the Archfiend's will.

This guide is concerned with only the latter type of demon, so those of you who've come here seeking advice on how to overcome personal demons (like a fear of flying, compulsive overeating, or the fact that Sixpence None The Richer's 1998 hit single "Kiss Me" has inexplicably been playing on a loop in your head for the past fifteen years) would do well to look elsewhere for assistance because this guide only covers demons of the supernatural variety.

So less "Doctor Phil" and more "Sweet little girls hefting grown men over their heads and tossing them through plateglass windows, middle-aged men scrawling glyphs upon the walls in their own excrement while gibbering in elder tongues, and kindly old grandmothers scuttling into your room late at night on dislocated limbs and unhinging their jaws to disgorge huge clouds of bees that swarm down your throat and eventually you choke to death on them because who could even breathe through all those bees?".

Nobody, that's who.

Christian Videogame Review: Bulletstorm

Christian Review: Bulletstorm
LucasLike many of my fellow Brothers In Christ, I was shocked, saddened, and outraged when I heard that the US Government was going to allow the new megaviolent animated videogame Bulletstorm to be released. This comes even after Child Advocate and Actual Medical Doctor Carole Lieberman (in an interview on Fox News) proved conclusively that violent videogames cause rape by claiming that they did.
 
When pressed for "evidence" to back up her claims, she was unable to produce even a single shred. This of course led to cries of "irresponsible journalism" and "fear-mongering" amongst pro-rape advocates in the gaming industry, but the more educated among us know that those who constantly clamor for reputable scientific studies to back up what appear to be unsubstantiated and outrageous claims are missing the point: Violent videogames exist, and until they are successfully banned, our children will continue commit acts of violence, torture, embezzlement, and premarital sexual assault.
 
But what of Bulletstorm specifically? Is this game truly as reprehensible as so many have claimed? The answer, of course, is a wholehearted and undeniable "yes."

5 (More) Shocking & Obscene Things You Won't Believe Are Actually In The Bible

5 (More) Shocking & Obscene Things You Won't Believe Are Actually In The Bible - Action Figure
Whether you believe it in or not, there's really no denying that The Bible contains some of the most amusingly vulgar material ever committed to paper.
 
And while I've probably already covered "The Worst Of The Worst" (e.g. gang rape, unholy semen spillage, father-daughter incest, etc) in Part 1 Of My Biblical Filth Series, there are still a couple more--let's call them "tawdry"--passages I'd like to share with people who might not have actually read The Bible (you know, like most Christians?).
 
So here are five more crude and/or offensive Bible stories you may not have heard of.

The Christian Guide To Building A Gaming PC

The Christian Guide To Building A Gaming PC Christian Case Mod
Christian Game Review: Fallout New Vegas
The Christmas season has arrived once again, and we all know what that means...new gaming PCs! As you may well know, providing free tech support to those in need has always been a favorite pastime of mine, and seeing as my love of electronic devices is second only to my distrust of information published by the secular newsmedia, I figured, heck: What better way to celebrate this season of giving and receiving than by sliding a thick, bulging tube of good old-fashioned PC advice into the gaping orifice of your souls!
 
Why a Christian guide to computer assembly? It's fairly simple: While there are plenty of humanist PC how-to guides out there, these are little use to those of us who believe that Christ will soon return and rain fiery vengeance down upon all the blasphemers, homosexuals, and non-catholic pedophiles of the world, thus cleansing these hedonistic lands of sin once and for all. We Christians prefer to take advice from those who share our worldview, that way we can ensure we are doing things in the godliest way possible.
 
So I hope you will join me as I take an overtly religious look at the wonderful world of do-it-yourself personal computering.

5 Surprisingly Obscene Bible Stories

5 Violent, Filthy, & Hilarious Things You Won't Believe Are Actually In The Bible
It has been said that if The Bible were to be faithfully adapted for the big screen, it would almost certainly be the most astonishingly obscene film ever made. I doubt that anyone who is familiar with The Written Word Of God would contest this. The subject matter of the Old Testament alone (with its constant graphic brutality, genocide, casual incest, and countless rapes) would be more than enough to earn The Good Book an NC-17 rating.

In light of this, I thought it might be fun to compile a list of five of the most amusing, inappropriate, and potentially offensive passages in The Bible. Fair Warning though: Although everything discussed in the following sections can be directly attributed to God Himself (I've even provided detailed links to the passages in question), things still get fairly graphic, so you probably don't want to let your kid read it (those who are easily offended by wiseasses providing glib and irreverent commentaries on the smutty portions of sacred religious texts would do well to avoid it also).

Christian Game Review: Fallout New Vegas

Christian Videogame Review: Fallout New Vegas
Christian Game Review: Fallout New VegasIn 1997, the PC game Fallout was released. Its violently cynical godless worldview easily captivated hundreds of gaming atheists, and spawned numerous (and similarly detestable) sequels, the latest of which is entitled Fallout: New Vegas. In the article that follows, this reviewer will be taking a look at the world of New Vegas from a true Christian perspective. I'll detail each sin committed by the developers of the game in-depth, as well as offering some godly advice (and good old-fashioned biblical scholarship) along the way.
 
NOTICE: This review should not be viewed by women or children. The shocking and brutal nature of this game's source material made it nessecary for me to describe drug use, instances of blasphemy, and graphic descriptions of various sex acts in detail to give parents a better idea of what their children are getting into these days. Consider yourselves warned.

Christian Game Review: Splinter Cell Conviction

Christian Game Review - Splinter Cell Conviction
Christian Game Reviewer - Lucas BellHello fellow Christians, and welcome to yet another edition of Christian Game Reviews: The hottest place to find godly reviews of all your favorite animated games! This time around I'm taking a look at Splinter Cell: Conviction, a fighting action game for the Xbox, Playstation, and Nintendo Wii, and Gameboy videogame systems. As is typical for an obscenely violent game full of sex with minors, homosexuality, and gambling, Splinter Cell: The Conviction has been garnering rave reviews from the secular press.
 
But while this may be good enough cause for John Q. Parent to run right out and purchase this game for Little Billy, those who live by the law of The Lord would do well to think twice before plunking down their hard-earned Christian dollars on this little jaunt through Sodom and Gomorrah.

Christian Game Review: Bayonetta

Christian Game Review - Bayonetta
Christian Game Reviewer - Lucas BellHi there fellow Christians. My name is Lucas Bell, and I'm a professional video game reviewer and professional video game lover. I began writing game reviews in 1988, when I noticed the godlessness that pervaded most popular videogames at the time. These games contained dinosaurs, rock and roll, and kissing. Sorry game developers but the only kissing I'll be doing is with the lord, through prayer, so count me out!
 
Since I knew there was no chance of games being created for true Christians (Christians are now a minority!) I decided to begin reviewing games from a Christian perspective so that others would easily avoid those which contain demonics, disrespect of the elderly, or sex with children (as most games nowaday do!)
 
Today I'll be taking a look at Bayonetta, a game which is about as far from God's holy love as one can get without being in hell itself. Please be warned that this review is not suitable for children.
 
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