TOP "# OF THINGS" LISTS

Okay, so maybe most of these aren't technically top "10" lists. They're more like top "NUMERAL" lists. But you get the idea.

Top 10 Things I'd Do With a Million Bucks

Top 10 Things I'd Do With a Million Bucks
By Martin "The Baron' Hubley
Top 10 Things I'd Do With a Million BucksSome people say money can't buy happiness, but obviously these folks have never been rich! Yes, being filthy rich has been the dream of every hot-blooded human being since pirate times, myself included! Due to my higher-functioning brain, my dreams are EXTREMELY vivid as well, so the money seems even more real! Often, I'll even wake up crying from a particularly beautiful dream and feel ornery for the rest of the day because I know I am trapped in the real world, and that Drak'Thul (the magnificent gold city of dragons) no longer exists, and that I can only visit it in my mind.
 
But I don't mean to bring y'alls down. Let's cheer up a bit by taking a gaunder at the list of the top 10 things I would do with one million smackards. Enjoy!

12 (More) Puzzling Complaints From Stupid Customers

15 More Puzzling Complaints From Stupid Consumers

PART 1 of this series featured some some of the best customer complaints I could find on my new favorite website: ComplaintsBoard.com. But consumer action does not sleep! There are still plenty of fairly unpleasant people who feel they have been severely wronged by the actions of various Burger King & Safeway employees, and I must help to ensure that their whining voices are heard!

All aboard the payback train. First stop: Justicetown.


The Baron's Top 10 Movies of 2009

Top 10 Movies of 2009 - Rambo
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
The BaronGreetings and salutations viewers! This is your old pal The Baron here, ringing in the new year for one and all. I was thinking about the best way to celebrate the fresh century and I came up with what I think is a pretty darn fantastic idea: I would create a list of my favorite movies of 2009! So that's exactly what I did, I went through "fave films" section my dream journal and picked out the rootinist, tootinist, shootinist list of the greatest movies I had seen last in the old zero niner.
 
So grab a sack of butter and cover your heads, because Baron Marty's about to drop some movie knowledge on yall's heads.

15 Puzzling Complaints From Stupid Customers

15 Complaints From Stupid Consumers - Shopping Carts
I'm sure Complaintsboard.com was originally intended to be a website where frustrated consumers could go to report harmful or shady business practices of different retailers, exposing them as frauds and possibly causing them to go out of business.

Unfortunately, it isn't really working out that way. Complaintsboard is less about consumer rights and more about semiliterate adults with learning disabilities who believe a business has wronged them in some petty way pecking out (usually IN CAPS) incomprehensible messages to companies that will never, ever read them. Nothing useful is accomplished, and no one is helped.

So yeah, it's pretty great!

5 Phrases Nerds Should Really Stop Using

  Nerds Stop Saying
As far as I'm concerned, the term "Nerd" has been rendered all but meaningless. I wouldn't use it at all, except I'm not sure how else I'm supposed to describe people who play World of Warcraft for 33 hours straight while listening to a single Dragonforce song on repeat, or who will say "lawl" out loud without a hint of hesitation or self-consciousness. So let's just say I'm updating Nerd for the 21st century. Now, instead of pocket protectors, glasses, and Dungeons & Dragons, Nerd signifies an unreasonable love of anime, horrifyingly frequent postings on message boards, and a complete and utter lack of anything resembling originality.
 
These are the social cripples, the sniveling masturbators. Rejected (some would say rightly so) by their schoolyard peers, they have sought refuge amongst the similarly-damaged youths who make up the online collective. Here, they are given the opportunity to climb a reverse social ladder, one in which the individual is not rewarded for attractiveness, physical prowess, cleverness, or the ability to abstain from using racial slurs, but rather by Time Spent Grinding, Posts Per Hour, and (most relevant to this article) The Ability to Deliberately Mimic The Deliriously Annoying & Repetitive Patterns of Speech Favored By One's Online Peers. Which is to say: There are far too many internet nerds perpetuating rock-stupid verbal memes.
 
Below are a few common nerdly phrases which--when used--cause me to become unreasonably upset.

Top 5 Movies of All Time!

Movie
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
As many of you may be aware, I am quite practitioner of watching amazing movies. I often get requests from my friends for recommendations of what movies I think are the "Best Ever". "The Baron" they have been known to say to me, "There are so many movies out there! What's the quint's essential film I can watch to increase my carnal knowledge of movies and films?" The answer, I always have to tell them, is not so simple that can be said in a single sentence. So I decided to head them off at the past by creating this essential short list of what I believe to be the greatest movies ever made.  
 
These are not only high budget studio picks either, I've also included some lower budget (AKA "Indy" films) on this list for your viewing pleasure. So sit back, pop open a Dew and a bag of Poffs, and enjoy this fun-soaked ride into movie greatness.

7 Tips For Surviving Police Encounters

 Cops
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
America's police force is said to be the greatest in the world. However, this does not mean it is perfect. Far from it, actually. The biggest problem we have here is nosy cops. I tell you, these smokeys (slang for police officer) just won't let up! I can't count the number of times I, or some of my friends have been harassed for no reason at all by the police.
 
In one such instance me and my pal Trevvor had just gotten done at Dragon-Con and were heading back to the hotel. We were still in our costumes. I had gone as the grand black Dragon Kenshin (my spirit namesake), he as the dragon tamer Ulysses. Suddenly out of nowhere a police cruiser pulled up and began barging us with questions. "Who are you?" "What are you doing?" "Why are you wearing dragon suit?" Suddenly I felt the great soul of my spirit dragon anger welling from within me. I could not control it. I began shouting elder curses in dragonith whilst bearing my gold-capped fangs (custom made, natch) at them. Needless to say, they backed off, but if I wouldn't have had Kenshin's spirit to protect me who knows what might've happened. But since most of you aren't fortunate enough to have the spirit of a powerful dragon living within you, I've written this guide to teach you how to show the police who's boss.
 

5 More Swordfighting Tips for Sworders

Sword KidBy Martin "The Baron" Hubley
I recently saw a story in the "news" in which a young boy diced up a would-be robber using only his samurai sword. The criminal was killed. The author tried to paint a grim picture of the boy as a needless murderer ("he should've just called the police!"), but I obviously he was more than a little bias against freedom! This man was creeping about in the boy's own personal garage! He may have been attempting to thieve a pair of cross-country skis, a child's baseball mitt, or a cordless hedge trimmer with a battery which no longer holds a charge. You may not see these items as important enough to murder over, but remember that they belonged to an AMERICAN CITIZEN. Might I remind you that the 5th amendment of the constitution of the America allows us to protect our property any means necessary, including murder.
 
Hear that you fat cat liberals in Washington? ANY MEANS NECESSARY. So if I wake up one night and head downstairs to find a crooker attempting to escape with an armful of my beloved Naruto DVDs, you can be damn sure I won't be calling the fuzz. I'll slice him up with one of my blades without even a second thought. "Hyah! Hyeah!" two direct hits! Thump. His head hits the ground. Crooks beware!

5 White Hot Swordfighting Tips for Swordfighters

LarpBy Martin "The Baron" Hubley
Combat using swords is harder than most civilians would imagine. You not only need skill in handling the weapon, but also the mental conviction to deliver the killing blow (when needed).

There are also many lesser-known factors most laymen don't consider about weapons combat. Factors like balance. Balancing is actually the most difficult part of hand to hand combat, and there are many things about balance that people don't realize. For example: did you know that balance is 20% mental, 20% physical, and 60% based on sight? It's really quite remarkable. If you don't believe me, simply try to jump up and down or walk forwards with your eyes closed. That's right, you can't do it. This is because of balance.
 
Read on for 5 of my hottest tips for swordplay beginners.
 

6 Popular Smells I Do Not Appreciate

Ash TrayIn a previous article I went over 6 SMELLS THEY SHOULD PROBABLY MAKE INTO CANDLES. This article was a runaway success (racking up over 6 views in a mere eighteen days) so in light if this I've decided to take a look at the 6 candle scents I would most definitely not like to see, or rather, six popular smells I do not appreciate (as it says in the title up there). If those descriptions are too complicated for you though, you can also think of this article as Six Smells I Hate, or These Six Things Stink, Get Rid of Them. Or if that's still too complicated you also can think of this article as the other article (the one about good smells)'s evil twin. Here, I'll even give it a goatee so you can tell the two apart. It is my understanding that every evil twin is supposed to have a goatee.
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