AMAZON ODDITIES

The Strangest Products On Amazon: Reviewed By Me

Amazon Oddity: How To Date A White Woman: A Practical Guide For Asian Men

Amazon Oddity: How To Date A White Woman
Like the other books in the Offensively Specific Dating Outside Your Race series (Japanese Women: They'll Do What You Say, Indian Men: Smart But I Guess They Have Tiny Penises, Black Chicks: I Wish They Would Stop Shouting At Me) How To Date a White Woman is advertised as "your one-stop shop" for information on dating a particular ethnic subset of humanity (in this case, White Women), but I found it sorely lacking in useful information.
 
Although I am white, I figured I'd be able to derive at least one or two good tips on dating white women from this book, but this is certainly not the case. Not only is this book Asian-Man-Centric, but it also lacks depth. I found most of their advice to be blatantly obvious (if not outright false): "White women don't like spiders", "White women sometimes have difficulty opening jars", "White women who aren't prostitutes get offended when you try to pay them for sex", the list goes on and on.
 
As someone who recently dated a white woman, I can easily come up with better tips than the ones in this book off the top of my head. So just keep reading if you want to be let in on all the white women's secrets.

Amazon Oddity

Amazon Oddity -The 2007 Report on Wood Poles, Piles, and Posts Not More Than 15 Feet in Length Owned and Treated with Pentachlorophenol or Other Chemicals by the Same Establishment: World Market Segmentation by City

As an officially licenced and bonded FST (Fence, Scaffold, and Tenting) contractor, I can tell you that without a doubt, a man's success in the FST industry is almost wholly dependant on his understanding of wood poles, piles, and posts more than 15 feet in length owned and treated with pentachlorophenol by the same establishment. That's why I recommend This Book.
 
This alone would be enough to warrant the 800 dollar purchase, but the included segmentation of the entire wood poles, piles, and posts market by city (a feature which is not often included in similar Laughably Specific Global Strategic Planning Digests) makes this book a great buy for even the most casual of Pentachlorophenol-Treated Building Material enthusiasts.

But to be honest, there are quite a few issues with this book that I feel keep it from achieving "Must-Buy" status. Let's have a look at some of the more glaring problems, shall we?
 

Amazon Oddity: Kurt Adler Diet Coke Can Light Set

Coca-Cola Can Lights
Rejoice, mindless Coca-Cola enthusiasts, for your salvation has arrived. Because now, thanks to whomever the fuck Kurt Adler is, you may now purchase (for the low low price of 25 American Freedom Dollars) a set of plastic string lights in the shape of soft drink cans. These specially designed light sources are 100% guaranteed not clash with the Coca-Cola commemorative plates, framed Coca-Cola photographs, and dust-encrusted Coca-Cola Calendars which currently adorn the walls of your cluttered, cat-piss-smelling hovel.
 
With just a simple credit card transaction, these gaudy symbols of unabashed consumerism will be shipped directly to your front door, where they may then be torn from the box in a frenzy and slapped upon the walls as symbols of your pathetic brand loyalty to one of the world's largest and least interesting corporations!
 
So let's dive right in and take a look at the specific features which make these particular sources of artificial (yet godly) luminescence so very special.

Amazon Oddity: Q-Link EMF Pendant

Amazon Oddities: Q-Link EMF Pendant
Is the Q-Link Pendant some ingenious scam, or do magical mass-produced pendants with the ability to fight off diseases using invisible & unmeasurable fields actually exist? These are the sorts of questions I often find myself asking after receiving several blows to the head with an industrial-grade titanium girder. Of course I don't mean to suggest that only someone who has sustained severe damage to the frontal lobe would believe that a small chunk of plastic and metal could actually prevent or treat any disease--wait, actually maybe I do.
 
In any case, please have a look at the following article, in which I discuss the features of the Q-Link pendant in the most evenhanded, dignified, and unbiased way possible.
 

CURES MIGRAINES/REDUCES STRESS/CURES THE FLU/PREVENTS COLDS/INCREASES HEIGHT OF DWARFS

Amazon Oddities: Q-Link EMF Pendant - Snake Oil
Many people who wear EMF pendants like this one claim to have experienced reduced chances of becoming ill, or even that the pendant is responsible for "curing" a certain sickness. As I have no reason to doubt the veracity of these outrageous and unprovable claims, I will simply quote a few their actual "reviews" below and allow you to decide for yourselves whether the people who wrote them are well-meaning, intelligent people who've been duped by ingenious marketing, or simply really huge idiots.

Miracle 1

Within the first couple of weeks of wearing my q-link I noticed that the headaches that I have suffered from since childhood had disappeared, I also had much more energy and could get bye on much less sleep. In the 2 1/2 years that I wore my q-link I never contracted a cold once and don't suffer from jet lag anymore.

Miracle 2

My wife has only worn hers for 4 days or so and the results are unbelievable. I notice she is much more calm, collected, and focused. She seems to have high levels of energy, getting better sleep, and able to focus on tasks better. I even notice her voice is softer and nicer.

Miracle 3

I have often wondered if the Electromagnetic Fields were causing the migraines. EMF's are such a very real, yet invisable element in life, especially here in the City.
 
I finally got a q-link for myself [and] have been migraine-free for three months now, since I have been wearing the q-link...and additionally, I have somehow stopped having insomnia for the first time in ten years. I sleep like a rock - all night long.
 
[We] are three months into the flu season, too, and neither of us, who wear the q-link, have been sick - usually we catch everything that the season has to offer. (Knock on wood.) I am thankful for the money I spent, and thankful for the people who applied quantum physics to a practical application that is benefiting our lives.
So there you have it. It seems pretty obvious to me that this pendant is the greatest single medical innovation since penicillin.
 
 

Q-LINK IS ENDORSED BY A NUMBER OF BALD EXPERTS*

Some people might tell you that the so-called "technology" behind Q-Link pendants is nothing more than bullshit new age doublespeak deliberately obscured behind an absurd layer of sciencey-sounding marketing gibberish. This is wrong. It's a proven fact that Q-Link pendants work because people have tested them in a bunch of real life experiments and things like that.
 
If you don't believe me, just look at all the bald experts who have clumsily recommended the use of Q-Link on the Clarus Institute's website without receiving any coaching or compensation of any kind.

Jure Robic: 2008 Bald Race Across America Winner

Amazon Oddities: Q-Link EMF Pendant - Jure
"Listen up fatties: I'm Jure Robic, the bulbous-headed winner of the 2008 Race Across America. You probably don't have a fucking clue what the Race Across America is (or if it even exists at all) but to be honest it doesn't really matter. I play sports so I know about medical things. The Q-Link pendant helps my muscles pump faster by allowing a higher concentration of oxygenated molecules and stimulant proteins to reach my cells. What do you mean 'none of that even makes any sense'. You have a lot to learn about the human body my friend. Q-Link, Bitches."


Alex Shabelov: Bald American Chess Grandmaster

Amazon Oddities: Q-Link EMF Pendant - Alex
"Oh. Hello. I did not see you come in. I was simply playing chess by myself on a wooden bench at an uncomfortably odd angle while reading this book and prominently displaying my Q-Link Pendant on the outside of my zip-up t-shirt when the Q-Link representative walked up and snapped this candid photograph of me. But enough chit chat. The Q-Link medallion changed my life. I used to be some punk who did not know what a pawn even was. I thought the castle piece moved diagonal. What a maroon I was. But now thanks to Q-Link magnet necklace, I am the the Chess Master of the game Chess. Eat it science."


Ken Wilber: Bald President, The Integral Institute (AKA ZANDAR THE MAGNIFICENT)

Amazon Oddities: Q-Link EMF Pendant - Ken
"BEHOLD! I AM ZANDAR THE MAGNIFICENT! I SHALL RELAY THE TRUE SECRETS OF THE Q-Link PENDANT TO YOU USING ONLY THE POWER OF MY MIIIIND! LOOK INTO MY EYES MY DEAR. GAZE DEEEEP INTO MY EYES. THAT'S RIGHT...YEEEEEES...VERY GOOD. NOW!

WHEN I SNAP MY FINGERS YOU WILL BE WILLING TO PAY $80-160 FOR WHAT APPEARS TO BE A SIX CENT BUTTON MAGNET INSIDE A PLASTIC HOUSING! AND NOT ONLY THAT...BUT YOUR INABILITY TO COMPREHEND EVEN THE MOST BASIC OF SCIENTIFIC THEORIES--ALONG WITH THE PLACEBO EFFECT--WILL CAUSE YOU TO BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE BEEN CURED OF A AN UNDIAGNOSED DISEASE, INCURABLE EVERYDAY HUMAN ANNOYANCE, OR NONEXISTENT CONDITION.

YES TRULY THE Q-Link BRACELET IS A MODERN MARVEL OF QUANTUM MECHANICS THAT CRIPPLED SCIENTIST STEVE HAWKLING WOULD BE PROUD OF. AVAILABLE AT ALL SEARS AND ROBUCK STORES NOW TODAY."

 

* It should be noted that I use the term "Bald Expert" to specifically describe experts who are also bald, nothing more. I do not mean to imply that all bald people are experts, or even that all experts are bald. The two may even be mutually exclusive for all I know. So to clarify for any members of the bald community who may be reading this: I respect you all as beautiful bald human beings and wish you only the best in any bald endeavors you may undertake.
 

WARNING: Q-LINK MAY INCREASE YOUR ODDS OF BECOMING UNSTUCK IN TIME AS OCCURRED IN THE EARLY 90S TELEVISION PROGRAM QUANTUM LEAP

Amazon Oddities: Q-Link EMF Pendant - Quantum Leap
Q-Link is making brave strides into uncharted scientific territory. While there is no question that this endeavor will greatly benefit humanity in the long run (and possibly change everything we think we currently believe about the universe), it should be said that there WILL be casualties along the way.
 
Science is not an exact science. When rogue Creation Scientist Jonas Salk first began administering the Polio vaccine in 1884, it did little to halt the unrelenting march of Poliosis. In fact, it actually caused more cases of Polio than it cured. The liberals in power attempted to stop him with the help of a secret society of violent assassins (The Crimson Cowl), but he wend underground, remained steadfast in his cause, and eventually Poliosis was all but eradicated. The same holds true for EMF technology.
 
Q-Link pendants work by creating a quantum rift field around your body. This field provides protection against the deadly electromagnetic fields (from cellular phone towers, lightbulbs, digital clocks, and the sun) which bombard our fragile bodies on a daily basis.
 
When a Q-Link pendant is utilized, this electromagnetism is normally "bent" off into another dimension (where it dissipates harmlessly), but on extremely rare occasions, a temporal singularity can be created. This singularity has been known to bring about a number of unpleasant effects, not least among which is the tendency for the wearer of the Q-Link pendant to continuously be transported into the body of any number of historically significant figures every 45 minutes.
 

AND SO...

One should always exercise extreme caution when operating the Q-Link pendant. The Q-Link pendant should never be by those who are pregnant, nursing, homosexual, religious in any way, on blood thinners, or by and anyone who possesses kidneys. For more information on how the Q-Link functions, visit your local library or congresswoman.
 
Thank you and goodnight.
 
 
 
MADNESS SCORE 10/10

 





Amazon Oddity: Control-A-Woman Remote

Amazon Oddities - Control Your Woman Remote
Whether they're being subjected to humorous physical abuse for failing to have your dinner ready on time, conforming to misogynistic stereotypes about driving ability, or emotionlessly drowning their infant children in the bathtub due to severe postpartum depression and psychosis, women can be a real handful!
 
But luckily the geniuses at Taipei Novelty Product Production Assembly Line #124038 have come up with THIS KOOKY GAG REMOTE for all those "guys" out there who just want to "watch the big game with their buddies" without being forced to acknowledge the existence of the "perpetually exasperated vagina-possessing nursemaid" with whom they have chosen to become emotionally attached.

Amazon Oddity: 12000 Trichogramma Pretiosum Eggs

Amazon Oddity: 12000 Trichogramma Pretiosum Eggs
I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that this box of organically protected Trichogramma parasite larvae is a must buy for those whose plans for world domination hinge on the cultivation and subsequent release of thousands of tiny Hymenopteran insects.

Amazon Oddity: All That The Rain Promises And More...

Amazon Oddities - All That The Rain Promises & More
The old "don't judge a book by its cover" adage has never made much sense to me. You can tell a lot about a book like this one by looking at the cover. I mean, any idiot could see that it's a field guide for picking wild mushrooms which was written by an impishly deranged trombone enthusiast named David who enjoys feigning the thievery of large quantities of fungi while wearing a cheap 80s tuxedo.

Review: Amazon Oddities

Amazon Oddities - Shirt Bib
You might not be aware of this, but AMAZON sells some truly weird shit. Unfortunately, finding these products is not as easy as it could be. It works like this: Items which are deemed worthy of the "Amazon Oddities" label can be tagged by customers as an "Amazon Oddity" and will then be shown HERE, for your theoretical amusement. This would be fine, except there's nothing stopping hundreds of random unfunny idiots from tagging any product they think is "cute" or "hilarious" as an Amazon Oddity. So unless you feel like sifting through 100+ pages of sex toys (tee-hee!), cheesy gag gifts, and children's books with the word "poop" in the title, you probably won't have much use for the list.
 
But luckily for you, I've decided to do my part for society and review five of the most useful Amazon Oddities: The Gambler's Mustache, A Large Boulder, 4500 Live Ladybugs, The Pig acupuncture Model, and The Home Gastric Bypass Kit. I know it's not much, but it's the least I can do to help.
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