The Baron's Guide to Slang

Gang SignBy Martin "The Baron" Russmier
Recently I paid a visit to my local electronics store. After browsing for a short time, I approached one of the employees, a young urban youth (he was white in case you’re planning to call me a racialist) to ask if they carried the boxed set of the original Batman cartoon series. The ignorant young'n took a moment to think, and then replied in the only way I assume he had learned “on the streets”: By babbling some incomprehensible nonsense. I had no clue what he was trying to tell me, so I never got my DVD.

I assume many of the more educated among you have this same problem as well when trying to communicate with these street people, so with this in mind, I’ve done some research and come up with this guide to urban slang for those who require it.

Worthless Guide to Pogs


A certain time in recent American history: Tommy jukes down a dim elementary school hallway wearing in a green Starter Jacket, the sullen bass intro of Ice Ice Baby burbling from a boombox on his shoulder. He passes a boy in a faded Voltron T-Shirt. The boy mutters under his breath and probes compulsively at the rubber basketball pump on the tongue of his scuffed white shoe.

Snapple Facts: Madness

Facts Madness
Now here are some more snapple facts. These particular items come courtesy of the patients at Bethlem Royal Hospital's mental ward. They've worked very hard to bring you these, so I hope you have a grand old time! Thanks and be sure to have your pets spayed and neutered.

Snapple Facts: Kids

Kids facts
Did you know that Snapple now has a line of fruit drinks for children? Instead of having "fun facts" under the caps, they feature a number of child safety tips. Here are some suggestions I have for extra tips that might help a kid out. Once again, Snapple had better not try to steal these from me.

Part 1 - Classic Facts
Part 2 - Kids Facts

Snapple Facts: Classic

Phony Snapple
Snapple brand drink is a very popular drink. There are fun facts on the caps of Snapple brand drinks. Here are some of my favorite fun facts from the caps of Snapple brand drinks. If Snapple sees this: Hands off. These are my own ideas. Don't you dare try putting them on your Snapple website or there'll be trouble. I am (probably) not some corporate whore.

Pirates & Ninjas & Rangers: A Dumb Article About Things That Are Dumb

No Pirates NinjasA message from the author:
Hello sir or madam. If you're currently reading this, you've either been directed here from our self-help hotline, or have been given the link by a friend.

Please do yourself a favor and read this article. It may not be funny, well-written, coherent, or even seem to have a point, but I can assure you that reading it is the best decision you can make at this time in your life.

You need help, and I can give it to you. All I ask is that you trust me, and read on.

Junk Food Mascots: A Dissertation

I guess some corporations think it's good business to use “food mascots” to sell their products to children. Is this type of marketing really effective? I’m not sure, but what I do know is that I find most food mascots to be distressing.

For example: Why exactly did a room full of advertising executives decide androgynous Cuckoo bird who screams at children would be the most effective way to sell Coco Puffs? God knows. Frankly it worries me that most (if not all) of the characters these companies create are mentally disturbed in some way. Here are some other advertising creatures who should probably be institutionalized.
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