4 of The Stupidest As Seen On TV Products Ever

4 Stupidest Infomercial Products Of All Time
I've always been a big fan of As Seen On TV gadgets. Not in a "wow, this stuff is actually pretty cool and useful" sort of way though. It's more like an "Oh my god, this is the most hilarious piece of crap I have ever seen, I can't even believe it" kind of thing. Even at their very best, infomercial products often offer nothing more than a slightly more expensive way to accomplish a task which wasn't really all that important in the first place (I am looking directly at you, Magic Bullet). Of course, this very fact is exactly what makes them so entertaining.
So let's take a look at four of the dumbest infomercialesque products currently on the market: The Backup, Instant Arm Lift, The Freedom Tray, and Jingle Jugs. Yeah, I know! Even the names are fantastic.

20 Ghastly Celebrity Wax Sculptures

20 Ghastly Celebrity Wax Sculptures - Pamela Anderson
Those of you who have not had the displeasure of visiting a wax museum are missing out on a world of arcane horrors unlike anything you have known. As a small child I had the opportunity to check out Ripley's Wax Museum in San Antonio, an experience which has undoubtedly scarred me for life. To this day I cannot sit on a public toilet without envisioning the crushed wax face of Tom Hanks surging towards me from the murky depths.
But for those of you who have yet to come under the stony gaze of a half melted dummy of Sylvester Stallone, I have compiled these photos.

Google Autocomplete Answers 9 Important Questions

Google Autocomplete Answers Life's Important Questions
Google's autocomplete feature is a tool I often use when I want to get an idea of the general public's feeling or thoughts on a particularly hard-to-research subject. Well maybe not often. More like never. Still it's a fun way to see what the all the idiots in the world are up to.

So here are 9 of the most interesting/disturbing/weird/stupid autocomplete results which have shaken my faith in much of humanity.

The Insane Maury Povich Episode Title Awards

For the third (and final) entry in my hard-hitting fictional awarding of honors to the titles of various daytime television shows I decided to take a look at Maury, which is a talk show which "is often accused by critics of exploiting dysfunctional families, minorities, and the poor, and for embracing and sensationalizing some of the worst stereotypes of American society and behavior [and] some critics denounce it as being even worse than other similar talk shows such as The Jerry Springer Show, due to what is perceived as an insincere sympathy for the guests and using their serious problems for the entertainment and humor of the viewing audience."
So while I'm sure a show of this caliber is sure to have garnered many prestigious awards already, I might as well heap a few more onto the pile. My feeling has always been that you can't overpraise good work.

I Certainly Hope Yoplait Responds to The Complaint Letter I Just Sent

Yogurt Bullet
This is the last straw. Last night I couldn't get all of the yogurt I was eating out of the bottom of the container so I reached in with my finger to scoop some out and I cut myself a little bit on the rim. There's only a certain amount of injustice a man (or me) can be subjected to before he snaps. And I've reached that point. By God, I've reached it.

So I'm sending a message to the Fat Cats over at Yoplait corporate expressing my deepest feelings and most intimate of desires with regards to the future of my relationship with their yogurt products. Something has to change. They had better provide adequate explanation about what is being done to address my concerns. If they don't, there is going to be hell to pay.

It's The 78th Annual Shameful Ricki Lake Show Title Awards!

Ricki Lake
Welcome to the second installment of the 78th Annual "I Give Awards to Shitty Daytime Talk Show" Awards. The wonderful program I have singled out for praise this time around is Ricki Lake. If you are unfamiliar with the show you can find everything you need to know about it here, but this really isn't necessary. After looking over this list you'll likely have a better understanding of what the show was all about than most of the web-footed inbreds who watched it.
The most interesting I found while browsing through lists of episodes is that the writers over at Ricky must've had something of an "Let's all take 10 grams of Mushrooms and make pretend like we're R. Kelly" mindset when it came to naming their shows. Which is to say: They really enjoyed coming up with weird-ass urban limerick excerpts and clumsy sexualized half-puns. So consider this fair warning that list contains plenty of things like "Cut All the Drama. You Aint Nuthin but a Fat Hoochie Momma" and "Your Nasty Addiction Will Make Me Your Ex... Today You Choose Me or Cybersex".

It's The 12th Annual Most Insane Jerry Springer Episode Title Awards!

Jerry Springer
What follows is a list of ridiculous and puzzling titles given to various Episodes of The Jerry Springer Show. NOTICE: I do not watch (nor do I advocate the watching of) Jerry Springer. I only feel that it is my duty as an American Citizen to create lists of television show titles as a sort of preservatorial archive in order to assure that that they are available to future generations of people who might want to disinterestedly peruse a list of mildly entertaining Jerry Springer show titles.
No thanks is necessary. Helping others is reward enough for me.

Oh No, Michael Jackson Died! Quick, Everyone Start Buying His Shit!

Crusty Dead JacksonWhat? Michael Jackson is DEAD?! That's TERRIBLE! Oh man, that's a blow; really is it...the world seems a little bit darker today, doesn't it? I always respected him; I was one of his biggest fans!

Wait, what do you mean I never even liked any of Michael Jackson's music? How dare you say that to me! Oh, what, just because you've never heard me listening to him suddenly I don't "like his music"? I see how it is. People like you make me sick. The man is DEAD, you realize that right? He isn't coming back.
And anyway, it isn't true. I really DO like his music! Hold on...

Pop Culture Icons I Am Unfamiliar With: The Flying Nun

NunSo yeah, I definitely don't have any idea what The Flying Nun is. The words “The Flying Nun” reside somewhere deep in my psyche, and when I hear someone speak them (in that order) I feel a small surge of recognition (as in: Oh, that's a thing which I am aware of the existence of) hat's about as far as my understanding of The Flying Nun goes.

Also, I feel it should be noted that I found all the pictures in this article by typing “flying nun” into google image search, so any Flying Nun fans out there shouldn't be angry with me if a few of them happen to not feature the official flying nun. Thank you.

Review: Girlscout Cookies

CookiesI’m going to say something that I’m pretty sure has never been said before: Girlscout cookies are highly overrated. I’m not saying they’re bad, in fact I don’t mind eating them at all. As far as cookies go, I’d even rate most of them as slightly above average. But OH NO, that’s not NEARLY good enough for some people. You’re expected to LOVE Girlscout cookies, or risk being shunned by the cookie community as some kind of snack fascist or something.

Well listen up: You people don’t scare me. I’m going to print the truth about these cookies, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Just you watch.
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