There are two things of which I am certain. The first: Death awaits us all. The second: The majority of human beings will end up saying at least a couple of words within their lifetime. When examined individually, neither of these events seems significant. A guy drops dead in front of you? Eh, big deal. It was bound to happen sooner or later. You hear someone speak? So what. Not surprising at all. Well, unless you're deaf. Then it'd probably be pretty shocking. Well, unless you're a deaf schizophrenic. Then you might not be too shocked by a disembodied voice.


Although...what if you were a schizophrenic who's been deaf since birth? Then you wouldn't even know what human speech sounds like. So if the voice of, say, Micheal Landon popped into your head one morning and started shouting things like "Chew on that baby's arm!" "Start a fire in the public library!" "Those dogs are laughing at you!" "Masturbate into an aquarium!" it would probably just sound like "Blaguhblagublah!". Also you wouldn't even know it was the voice of the dreamy-eyed heartthrob who played "Pa" on Little House on The Prairie and "Teenager Who Gets Turned Into a Werewolf" in I Was A Teenage Werewolf you were hearing, so the fear you feel wouldn't even be mitigated by the fond childhood memories that would've normally been conjured-up upon hearing said voice. Anyway, just some food for thought.     


Celebrity last words!

Corrupted Nostalgia: Fireball Island

Fireball Island Box
When it comes to toys, children have ridiculously low standards. A kid will play with anything. If you don't believe me, pick up any random object (a sheet of paper, a handful of broken glass, a bunch of loose change clumped together because someone spilled syrup or something in the cup holder) and hand it to a two-year-old. Chances are they'll begin playing with it, and good many of them will probably try to eat it too. That's how openminded kids are; when it comes to potential toys, everything gets a fair shake.

Alas, the same cannot be said of adults. As humans age, we develop "tastes" and the ability impose "value judgments" upon "objects" people "hand to us". For example: If you were to offer a full-grown woman a bucket filled with antifreeze and say "Drink this, it's antifreeze", she would almost certainly refuse. Not so with a child. In fact, a recent survey conducted by the Pew Research Center found that a full 100% of children surveyed happily drank antifreeze out of a bucket. So yeah, in conclusion...uh...kids...and, umm...they love...not good...boardgames?

Dammit. I blew it. This segue is the worst. There's no way I can make it work now. I guess I'll just have to start the article manually. Hold on a sec, let me find the thing here. Alright, got it. Let's see if this works.

Here goes...

It's Funny You Should Ask What The Most Popular News Stories Were On The 10th Anniversary Of 9/11. It Just So Happens That I Have That Information.

Fake Tourist Most Popular Stories On September 11th 2011
On Sunday, September 11th 2011, I went through took some screen captures of the "Most Popular Stories" sections of various news websites (CNN, Fox News, Time, ABC News, The Huffington Post, MTV News, The Guardian, E! Online, The BBC) because I thought it'd be interesting to see what sorts of things people were reading.

But don't worry, this isn't political commentary or a somber, teary-eyed tribute to the victims of 9/11. Lucky for you, I have very little respect for arbitrary days of remembrance. It seems awfully silly to be "extra sad" on a particular iteration of a holiday simply because happens to be divisible by a nice round number. Also, it bugs me how successful most news outlets are at using milestones like these to squeeze a bunch of extra advertising dollars out of the public. I guess the point I'm trying to make is: People be gullible, yo.

Anyway, to summarize: I took some screenshots from a bunch of news sites on 9/11/2011 and if you suspect you might be interested in what other people were ostensibly interested in on this particular date, you might want to take a quick look.

You will find them listed below, in no particular order. Godspeed. (And just to clarify: These are not fake, nor have I edited them in any way)

Corrupted Nostalgia: 8 Reasons Captain Planet Is The Lamest Superhero Ever

Corrupted Nostalgia: 8 Reasons Captain Planet Is The Lamest Superhero Ever
When it comes to awful environmental superheroes, there few lamer than Captain Planet. If you have to ask why this is the case, I can only assume you're not too familiar with Captain Planet, because let me tell you: Dude has got some obvious issues.

But I think my favorite thing about Captain Planet is the ease with which he can ridiculed. For indeed, so lame is he, that one does not even need to actively "make fun" of him or his show, because simply listing various facts about him is enough to send most people into fits of derisive laughter. This makes it extremely easy for a writer as lazy as I am to craft a decent article about him, which I do appreciate a great deal.
So here are just eight (of the oh so many) reasons that Captain Planet is the crappiest, lamest, most utterly worthless "superhero" ever.

20 Insane Out-Of-Context Images From Russian Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Novels

20 Insane Out-Of-Context Images From Russian Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Novels
There's really no good way for me to preface a collection of images so utterly devoid of context, sanity, or coherency, but I'll give it a shot anyhow: Here are twenty brainmelting illustrations from what I believe to be a series of blackmarket Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle novels from Russia. As you can probably see from the image above, it is extremely difficult to explain most of them in words.

Disclaimer: I will not be held responsible if your head explodes while viewing these.

More Snapple Cap Safety Tips For Kids

Kids Snapple Caps
In these troubled modern times, the life of a child is filled with innumerable dangers. Just take a look at these astonishing figures: Each day in America, 640 children are abducted by people who are believed to be minorities. In addition, a full four thousand are molested by men thought to possess pencil-thin mustaches, while 16 are mischievously tipped out of their wheelchairs by disgruntled female social workers.
These numbers serve as a constant reminder of the inherent evil of humanity. But luckily, Snapple brand flavored drink beverages are here to help. With the help of Families Against Violence and the American Lung Association, Snapple has utilized their patented "Snapple Facts" content delivery service to teach children about safety.
In the interest of public safety, I've reprinted 14 of the most useful facts from this campaign here for you to enjoy.

20 (More) Spectacularly Awful Album Covers

20 More Spectacularly Awful Album Covers
I hope that you will please forgive my inability to stop posting galleries featuring hilariously bad album covers. Please know that I only continue to do this out of a deep and abiding love for the human race. Well that, and also I've also got a number of very serious mental disorders I am unsuccessfully attempting to reign in.But that isn't important right now.

The photos are the reason we're all here, so let's get started.

20 Spectacularly Awful Album Covers

20 Spectacularly Awful Album Covers
Surely somewhere on this planet there must be an album cover which is so outrageous and unintentionally perverse, that if it were viewed, it would cause a tear in the very fabric of what we know as reality, causing the dimension in which we currently reside to fold in upon itself, and everything in the the known universe to simply blink out of existence.
Thankfully for humanity, I haven't come across this particular album cover yet. But here are 20 that come pretty close.

I Hereby Grant You Permission To Chase Waterfalls

Don't Go Chasin Waterfalls
Heed not the warnings of early 90s R&B groups. Waterfalls were placed on this earth by Our Lord God for one reason and one reason only: To be pursued.

I realize that many of you may have a strong inclination towards sticking to the rivers and the lakes to which you have grown accustomed, but what you likely fail to realize is that puttering around in large, stationary pools of liquid, or immersing yourself in freshwater as it runs towards an ocean can in no way match the physical and emotional fulfillment one can achieve from chasing a waterfall. Not even close.
So if you'd allow me, I'd like to go ahead and refute some of the most common arguments against the pursuance of water which happens to be flowing down a steep grade due to the effects of gravity along with a rapid drop in elevation.

Top 10 Rock & Roll Albums of All Time

The Baron's Top 10 Rock & Roll Albums Of All Time
The BaronHowdy internet fans, it's your old pal Martin "The Baron" Hubley with another top ten list to shake the foundations of your musical knowledge to their very cores! Those of you who know me best will agree that I have one passion and one passion only: Rock & Roll. My naughtiest fantasy is to climb into a hotrod, crank up my fave rock radio station to full, and cruise down the coast, honking at thick & juicy honeys while bobbing my head to the sound of wailing guitars and nonstop drums.
Some say rock ain't what it used to be, but I tend to disagree. There are plenty of high quality rock albums out there, you just have to know where to look (namely: right here in this very article).
Fair Warning: There are going to be some pretty controversial choices in here, as I don't often follow the crowd. But keep reading if you've got the guts, and you'll be rewarded with hours of rock and roll hijinks. That's a promise!
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