SEX

LAST TRAIN TO BONE TOWN - CHAPTER 2: BONE VOYAGE

Last Train To Bonetown


I awoke to the aroma of freshly-ground coffee. I could tell it was expensive coffee due to the way it smelled: Expensive. It made sense, of course. Only the finest coffees would be permitted in the mansion of infamously-handsome sex playboy Rick Mexico. I let out a sigh and began to reminisce about the countless acts of debauchery the two of is had engaged in the night before, but a sudden knock at the door jarred me from my reverie. The door swung open, and a small wrinkled Cuban hobbled in, clutching a tray of erotic breakfasting materials.

 

"Hot dog! Eats!" I cried, greedily rubbing my hands together before seizing several handfuls of what I took to be vagina-shaped pastries. As what shoved these into my mouth, Rick strode through the door.

 

"Good morning beautiful" he grinned, his teeth flashing like some diamonds someone was shining an LED flashlight onto, "I see you're enjoying Koko's novelty baked goods."

LAST TRAIN TO BONE TOWN - CHAPTER 1: A GAME OF BONES

Last Train To Bonetown
I took a deep breath, rang the doorbell, and smoothed out my skirt. This was it. I was about to meet the man of my dreams.

The door opened, revealing an extraordinarily handsome man in a white leather three piece suit. He extended his hand, "Hello, I'm eccentric billionaire Rick Mexico. I made my fortune by being successful in big business. I'm looking for a sexually-active woman with whom I can share my material and emotional riches. Won't you come in?"

"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Mexico," I said, stepping into the foyer and fanning my brow with an ornate Asian fan, "You'll have to forgive me for not returning your handshake, but your masculine jawline has my heart fluttering like the pages of a butterfly book."

"You're not so bad yourself, sweet cheeks." He laughed a meaty laugh, and his eyes began scanning my body like a pair searchlights on a big city skyscraper.

10 PICKUP LINES GUARANTEED TO INDUCE WOMEN TO ENGAGE IN CONSENSUAL INTERCOURSE WITH YOU

Young Pickup-Artist With Fedora
It's no secret that I'm a something of a "lady's man". Any time I leave the house, an all-female sex riot never fails to break-out. Elderly women whip flashdrives filled with homemade pornography at me from passing senior citizen mobility buses, and young girls fling themselves nude and shrieking from suspension bridges and balconies in the hopes of attracting just a moment of my attention.

Frankly, most of the time all I need to do is raise my thumb and aim my index finger at a woman as if I'm preparing to fire an imaginary flintlock pistol, and a woman'll have torn her clothes off and tackled me before I am even able to pretend to pull the imaginary trigger, causing the imaginary flint to strike the imaginary frizzen and ignite the imaginary gunpowder and propelling an imaginary lovebullet into her heart (causing her to fall deeply in love with me).
 
Of course this is not always the case. On occasion, I do come across women who (for whatever reason: blindness, foolishness, lesbianism) don't immediately realize how utterly captivating I am. Women like these always require a bit of convincing before they'll begin demanding sex from me. Fortunately, this process is not overly complex or difficult, provided you know all the right things to say (which of course, I do). And Double-Fortunately, I'm more than happy to share some of these "right things" (great pickup lines) with you.

And please, there's no need to thank me. I don't perform public services like these for accolades. A good deed is its own reward.

24 Face-Explodingly Insane Pieces Of Fan Art

Unicorn Fan Art
Question: Do you enjoy viewing amateur art drawn by fans of various things? If so, this may be just the article for you.

But before I get started, I'd like to make it clear that my intention is not to cut down or ridicule the artists behind these images, as I feel that doing so would be inexcusably cruel (even by my fairly loose moral standards). And frankly, even if I did want to make fun of this stuff, I'm not sure I'd even know where to begin. I mean, I have a hard enough time writing jokes about things I can comprehend, so there's probably no point in me trying to wring extra humor out of something as mystifying as a bunch of deeply religious Naruto sketches some kid posted to Deviantart.

So that why for this gallery, I'm playing it straight. No smart-ass jokes or pointless captions to distract you from the photos. So come right in and pull up a chair. There's more than enough lunacy to go around.

Side Note: This gallery does contain any sexually explicit material, so you can probably look through it at work. Although if someone saw you'd probably look like a pretty huge freak. So keep that in mind.

5 Aggressively Unpleasant Movies You Probably Shouldn't See On A First Date

Worst First Date Movies Ever - Antichrist
Recently, I performed an internet search for "Worst First Date Movies". I did this because, at the time, I was interested in reading a list of offensive or controversial films which might make for awkward first-date viewing. Unfortunately, none of the articles I managed to find fit this description.
 
Some were simply lists of mildly scary or violent horror films ("Don't take your date to see Chuckie or The Grudge 2!"), others were filled with blatantly obvious or borderline idiotic choices ("Deliverance! Schindler's List! Kids! Caligula!"), and most of the rest appeared to have been written by brain-damaged ESL students battling prescription drug addictions ("Number 10: Aids disease is not become laughing. But does your date? Potential.")
 
So seeing as none of these were particularly useful to me, I decided to attempt to fill this void by creating my own list of Bad First Date Movies. And while I can't promise you quality, I can promise some measure of quantity. So there's that.
 
Oh, and also, I reveal nearly every single meaningful plot point in all of these films. So take that into account before you read this.

30 Strange & Fascinating Questions Answered By Someone Other Than Me

30 Strange & Fascinating Questions You Never Knew You Wanted Answered - Tree Underwear
I've always been a huge fan of Slate.com's "Explainer" Series. Its purpose is simple: To answer (sometimes unasked) questions about various issues that come up in the news or everyday life. These questions run the gamut from basic trivia questions ("When Did Prisoners Start Dressing In Orange"), to the taboo or obscene ("What would happen if you snorted cremated remains", "Are Both Father And [Adult] Daughter Culpable In Cases Of Incest?") questions you've probably never allowed yourself to consider.
 
Of course, The Vast Archive Containing Hundreds Upon Hundreds Of These Questions is available for your perusal (and I encourage you to do so), but just in case you don't feel like spending all that time, I've compiled a list of 30 of the best ones here (without permission, naturally).
 
And if you think linking to a bunch of articles I didn't have anything to do with is just a cheap way of getting out of having to write anything: Congratulations, you are right. Welcome to the internet.

20 Strange & Disturbing Sexual Fetishes

20 Strange & Disturbing Fetishes - Lick Box
One public service I like to occasionally perform is to notify complete strangers about various types of sexual fetishes they may not have heard of. Not only is it good knowledge to have in general (sexual trivia can be great fun at family reunions), but it's also quite useful to know that such things exist when one day you stumble upon a link to "Potty Links - The Body Waste & Fluid Fetish Portal" in your 12-year-old son's web history.

"Ah-ha," you might be heard to remark, as you click through page after page of some of the most horrifyingly foul images you could ever have imagined, "this is Coprophilia, the fetish involving sexual pleasure derived from fecal play! That little rascal!"

So join me after the break for a list of the top 20 strangest fetishes of all time. Who knows, you might even find something you like!

Weird News (Week of 04.11.10)

Weird News - Old Bikers Flipping Off Camera
This week in news: Bar code scanners causing tourette's, deliberate projectile vomiting on children, whale rape, and gas pedal pressing fetishists.

Also, I'm reasonably certain that's the most insane sentence I've ever written.

10 Absurd & Unsettling Fiverr Posts

10 Absurd & Unsettling Fiverr Posts - In Drag
The idea behind fiverr is pretty simple: People post activities they're willing to perform for five dollars, and if anyone feels like paying them to do it, they can go right ahead.

There seems to be a decent filtering system in place, because 90% of the posts seem legit (e.g. "I will write a short story for you", "I will make a custom blog theme for you". "I will draw a picture of you" etc), but luckily for me, there are still plenty of insane people and sick freaks posting stuff too.

Here are a few of the strangest pledges I've come across so far.

How To Spot & Capture a Homosexual

How To Spot a Homosexual - Bush Binoculars
I am a heterosexual male. Some time ago, I went to see a movie with my cousin (a man who is married to a woman and also heterosexual as far as I am aware). I hadn't eaten anything that day, so I decided to get two large orders of $76 nachos, a giant Dr. Pepper, and several boxes of candy. All of this food was to be eaten by me and me alone, partially because my cousin was smuggling his own food in, but mostly because I am a big selfish fatty with no self-control.
 
But a funny thing happened when it came time for the clerk to distribute straws. Having done some calculations in his head, he decided to give us two straws (so we could "share", see?). Now at this point most of you are probably thinking, "Yeah, so what? Maybe he was a little presumptous, but no big deal. No harm done, right?" But I disagree. It WAS a big deal, and harm WAS done. Because what he did was discrimination. Discrimination against chronic overeaters of unhealthy garbage.

Obviously the kid saw what I was ordering and thought "Wow, that sure is an upsetting amount of food for one person to eat on their own. Either this guy is a disgusting, unhealthy pig who is gonna hoover up all this this artery-clogging slop himself, or these two are a gay couple and are planning on sharing. There's no way this guy is stupid enough to eat all this on his own. They must be normal, healthy homosexuals. So I'll just go ahead give them an extra straw." Outrageous.

So as you can see, despite all the progress that's been made towards equal rights in America, we as a nation still have a long way to go when it comes to human rights. Perhaps one day a borderline obese glutton such as myself will be able to go into a theater with another person and order absurd amounts of food without the clerk assuming they are going to share said food with said other person.

Oh, and speaking of human rights and assumptions made about others based solely upon their appearance...here are the top five signs someone you know might be gay.
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