VIOLENCE

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself: Gun Safety

By Martin “The Baron” Russmier
In Jupiter’s name! I’ve just realized my beloved guide to bullying has turned into more of a guide to self-defense! No matter, I’ll simply rename it slightly and press on (with Jupiter’s blessing, of course).

In the TWO PREVIOUS articles I discussed ways to win verbal and physical battles with bullies. In this section though, I’m going to school you on something far more deadly: Gunplay. Now I’ve never owned, touched, fired (or even really seen) a firearm before, but I think I know a thing or two about how they work. So let’s talk guns.

The Baron's Guide to Bullying: 2

By Martin “The Baron” Russmier
A bully can hurt others in many ways. They can damage someone emotionally (with harsh words or deeds), but they can also damage them physically. I’ve had my share of run-ins with bullies. I’m ashamed to admit that in my lifetime I’ve been “beaten up” more times than I can remember. But then, on my 30th birthday, I made a pact with myself: I decided I wasn’t going to be pushed around anymore. So, I decided to learn self-defense, and created a training regimen for myself.

Now its six years later and I’m ready to fight! I am proficient in almost every form of martial art you can imagine. I know Karate, I know Kendow, and yes, I even know Tai-Bo. Yeah, laugh if you want, but you won’t be laughing long when I break out my patented Tai-Bo “Fury of Blows”. Now here’s how to put a bully in his place.

The Baron's Guide to Bullying: Part 1

By Martin “The Baron” Hubley
Believe it or not, I was actually subjected to a good deal of bullying in my grammar school days. I suppose the other kids were jealous of my superior brain-power, and they bullied me in an attempt to cut me down to their intellectual size. Of course it didn’t work.

See, I had this mantra, and I would chant it aloud as I walked through the halls: “You can try to smash my sandwich at lunch, but I will snatch it from your hand: Hyah! You can try to throw a landscaping brick at me during gym, but I will dodge it with the speed of a majestic lioness: Rowr! And you can try to elbow me off the auditorium stage, but I will sprout dragon’s wings and fly off to glorious lands: Whoosh!” I think this made bullies think twice before giving me grief.

Review: Things I Have Punched

I think I have a real rage problem. When I get frustrated I tend to punch or throw products and equipment. Maybe deep down I really have a problem with my own consumerism or something, who knows.

Worthless Guide to a Life Of Crime

Have you ever wanted to quit your job, leave your family behind, and take up a life of crime? I know I haven’t, but that’s only because I’ve got a lovely girlish face and am deathly afraid of the attention I would no doubt receive if incarcerated. But few people are as cowardly as me, so I’m sure many of you have fantasized about performing a spectacular bank robbery or thumping a kindly old woman over the head for kicks. It’s only human I suppose. And so: Here's a little ditty for those of you considering a life if crime.

Street Gangs: A Swell Solution To a Modern-Day Problem

Kids these days don’t have enough to do. They play hooky from school during the day and cause a ruckus as they drag race their hotrods down main street at night. What can be done to combat this teenage menace? Let me tell you: Make street gangs legal.

What’s that you say? Gangs aren’t illegal? Ha! Shows what you know buddy, I’m pretty sure that they are. Honestly, it doesn’t matter either way; here’s an easy-to-follow Q&A explaining why gangs are healthy for children.

A Hobo's Tale

View From Hades

Upon dropping out of college, I took to riding the rails. I wanted to see the country thought a hobo’s eyes. I would ride for days with only my knapsack and a warm bottle of whiskey at my side. It was summer and the weather was fine. I met many fine men on these journeys; men like Tiny Joe, Tin-Can Pete, and Tommy the Gimp. These were fine all-American men; the backbone of a burgeoning economy.

The Baron's Prison Survival Guide

By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
The idea of going to prison is a scary one indeed. If you're like me you’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how well you would handle yourself “inside”. You probably think you're pretty hot stuff when it comes to prison self-defense, but what do you really know? Not much.

I, on the other hand, have spent much of my time doing research about prison on the internet and watching prison films and shows (I've seen at least 4 complete films about jail!). So as you can see, I have a lot to offer when it comes to advice on how to survive in “the klink”. So please read on, ladies and gentlemen, for The Baron’s Guide to Prison.

Worthless Guide to Robot Armies

As far as I can tell, everyone in the world loves robots. There's nothing a robot cannot do. Have you ever wondered why we still have humans fighting in our wars? I mean, what do humans have that’s so great anyway? Free will? Overrated. Better if you don’t have it. The ability to love? Yeah I have the ability to love alright, the ability to love the cool idea of robot armies.

In this article I'm going to field any questions you might ask, except if the question is “Can humans fly?” If you ask this I will just ignore you.