VIOLENCE

HOW TO SURVIVE A TORNADO

How To Survive a Tornado
Summer: We all know it's a season, but what some of us may not realize is that with it comes the threat of deadly tornadoes. These whirling dervishes of destruction may seem cute and cuddly at first, but rest assured: They're no laughing matter. Unlike other types of weather, a tornado has little regard for local ordinances prohibiting wanton property damage. Sure, scattered flurries can be bothersome, but when's the last time a scattered flurry flung your doghouse into a nearby lake and impaled your great uncle with a gardening implement? That's right: Never. A scattered flurry has never done that because unlike tornadoes, scattered flurries aren't gigantic weather assholes.
 
So what can you do to survive an encounter with one of these godless, swirling deathtubes? Well, for a start, you can read the rest of this article for some juicy tornado survival tips.

5 Surprisingly Obscene Bible Stories

5 Violent, Filthy, & Hilarious Things You Won't Believe Are Actually In The Bible
It has been said that if The Bible were to be faithfully adapted for the big screen, it would almost certainly be the most astonishingly obscene film ever made. I doubt that anyone who is familiar with The Written Word Of God would contest this. The subject matter of the Old Testament alone (with its constant graphic brutality, genocide, casual incest, and countless rapes) would be more than enough to earn The Good Book an NC-17 rating.

In light of this, I thought it might be fun to compile a list of five of the most amusing, inappropriate, and potentially offensive passages in The Bible. Fair Warning though: Although everything discussed in the following sections can be directly attributed to God Himself (I've even provided detailed links to the passages in question), things still get fairly graphic, so you probably don't want to let your kid read it (those who are easily offended by wiseasses providing glib and irreverent commentaries on the smutty portions of sacred religious texts would do well to avoid it also).

How To Subdue a Nerd Who Has Flown Into a Violent, Videogame-Induced Rage

How To Subdue a Nerd Who Has Flown Into A Violent Videogame Based Rage
It is still not uncommon for the general public to assume that all videogamers are socially inept losers prone to uncontrollable outbursts of intense and inexplicable violence. This is incorrect. In reality, only 65-72% of males who play videogames on a regular basis fit this description, so obviously it's slightly unfair to generalize.

Also, this really only applies to these men while they're playing games. The rest of the time, they're normally quite calm (if not downright docile). But place any one of these gamers in a situation where they believe themselves to have been "wronged" or "cheated" during a game, and a whirlwind of grisly violence is sure to ensue. Very rarely will this tantrum seemed to have "come out of nowhere". More often than not there is an easily perceived buildup of hostility which takes place before The Ragestate occurs.

This article should serve to educate the rest of you in the recognition (and subsequent containment) of any videogamer who flies into this ragestate.

Don't Mess With Otherkin!

Otherkin
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
Some of my faithful readers may know this, but for others it may come as something of a shock: I am otherkin. I'm not ashamed to say it. My body is inhabited by the spirit of an elder dragon which goes by the name of Nga'thhlt (a name which many humans have trouble pronouncing, so I simply call him Stryyker.) My lizard soul gives me powers beyond your wildest imaginings, powers which I have displayed and proven many a time. But still there are those who make fun of me and call me names. Hear this humans: No matter what you think of us, this does NOT give you the right to interfere with our lifes! For if you do, we shall fight back with all our might!

How to Fight Dirty

Fight DirtyRecently I published a guide on how to avoid a fight entitled How To Avoid a Fight Like The Coward You Are. After reading it over again, I came to the realization that only writing one such guide while ignoring the other possible outcomes would have been a great disservice to that one guy who reads my website. What if, heaven forbid, he gets jumped by a band of gibbering winos in a dark alley and none of my avoidance methods can get him out of it? What then?
 
"What then. What then." I find myself repeating these words aloud as I wander the aisles of a Whole Foods market, desperately scanning the aisles for something remotely edible. "Are you alright?" a pretty young stockgirl asks, her darkened eyes ablaze with passionate lust, "Did you need help with...anything?" Thinking quickly, I overturn my cart and give it a haphazard kick in her direction. Turning on my heel I dash in the opposite direction, overturning a Kashi Cereal display behind me. "Vile queen of harlots!" I scream as I scrabble up a piece of shelving at the rear of the store, "Ply your fleshtrade elsewhere; I have no want of it!" My mind races. I have managed to avoid the designs of the burlesque queen today, but what fresh hell would tomorrow bring? No man can say.
 

How To Avoid a Fight Like The Coward You Are

FightI don't know anything about fighting, but I do know plenty about avoiding fights. I've been doing it all my life. Mostly it's because of my face. It isn't that great-looking or anything, but I worry about it sometimes. See, it's a good bet that if someone hit me in the face they'd cave my nose in or something. Then where would I be? I'd have to go around with some crooked ass Owen Wilson nose for the rest of my life and I really don't think I have the charisma to pull that sort of thing off.
 
So anyway whether you're a fellow sissy looking to pick up some crying tips, or a lifetime bully who'd just like to know the mindset of the guy who quietly murmurs something and closes his eyes when you threaten him with violence, I'd definitely suggest that you read on to hear some of my best pain-avoidance tricks. Who knows? You might just learn a little something about what it means to be a man (not true).
 

These Horrible Self Defense Tools Will Make You Dead

Self Defense ToolsBy Martin "The Baron" Hubley
I consider myself to be something of a consumer advocate when it comes to the internet. There is so much misinformation floating out there on the cybernet that it's ridiculous. In a PREVIOUS ARTICLE I revealed the greatest self-defense tools of all time, and also let readers in on what I personally used to defend myself and my flock.

Now I'm going to show you the WORST self-defense tools and methods of all time (many of which are said to be "the best" by various internet sources). Just remember, when you need to know who and what to trust, you can always count on me, The Baron, to set the record straight.
 
Now, let's bust these lies down to size!

How To Create a Heroic Self-Defense Kit

Taser Self DefenseBy Martin "The Baron" Hubley
An attack on your person can come at any moment from any direction. It only takes a second for a robber, muggist, or raper to end your life forever. It can happen to anyone. It happened to me...
 
It was a warm summers eve, 9:30 PM, and I was exiting the movie theater after having just viewed the latest and greatest Harold Potter (it was superb, obv!). I had stayed behind to watch the credits, and when I left the film the parking lot was nearly empty. Upon reaching my vehicle I found that a number of serious-looking young men were leaning against my vehicle in a disrespectful fashion. Immediately the hair on my neck stood up. "Danger" I thought to myself in my mind, "Danger."
 

Awful Film Fights: Double Dragon

Double DragonJanuary 14th 2096
Mother is sick again. I doubt she will make it another day, let alone a week as Doctor Fonsworth says. It is a cold world...

Note: Took a fight scene from the movie Double Dragon and added some music to it. Haven't seen Double Dragon yet, but found a great Amazon customer review which seemingly tells me everything I need to know about it:


From my point of view this movie is great!It may not be as good as the game but is still good.There are some funny parts and no swearing.Just to let you know that this movie is double the fun and double action.And also this is double dragon!


Here is the video. I hope you enjoy it.
Yours Truly In Love,
Stephen.

Walker: Texas Ranger - Spec Script

Walker: Ranger RangerFADE-IN   CONSTRUCTION SITE - WIDE SHOT - DAY
Walker's truck is shown entering GLEN COVE CONSTRUCTION site. Three CONSTRUCTION TOUGHS mill around out front, kicking at dirt and leaning against various objects. WALKER exits his DUSTY AMERICAN TRUCK and approaches them.

WALKER: I'm a Texas Ranger, do any of you boys know where I can find the front office?
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