Growing Old: A Guide for Fogies & Spinsters

Growing OldNobody ever asks an old man’s opinion. Probably because most people just don’t care what he thinks. “What can an old fool like that tell us about the world anyway?!” One of these people might shout to you over the wind as he grins and jerks the wheel of his convertible towards a raccoon in the road.

Frankly, if people like this would just take the time to learn about the elderly instead of deliberately running down helpless animals in the street, perhaps this world would be a better place. So, for the sake of education: Here is a Q&A in which I answer most (if not all) of the questions you might have about the elderly and growing old.

Worthless Guide to Drugs Part 3: Higher Still

Drugs 3
By Henry
Fact: Not all drugs are illegal. Every year Americans spend more than 38 dollars on safe and effective over-the-counter drugs such as aspirin, cough syrup, energy drinks, and cigarettes. These four legal drugs alone provide us humans with relief from some important symptoms (Headaches, coughs, low energy, and not hacking up blood due to cancerous lung polyps). This article covers the effects and histories of legal drugs like caffeine, tobacco, and cocaine (Note: Obviously cocaine isn’t actually legal, but that ruins the intro so just play along). Oh, and if you haven’t read Part 1 and Part 2 of this series, I think you should do that now because otherwise you won’t understand what’s going on with the plot.

Worthless Guide to Drugs Part 2: Ups & Downs

By Henry
Part 1 of this guide, I talked about a bunch of different drugs (Heroin, Marijuana, LSD, and Mushrooms) and gave you advice on whether or not you should take them. In this portion I’ll let you in on the secrets of a few more drugs, and also give you a coupon code you can redeem with your dealer for a free drug (participation may vary). Also, for the first time ever, we’ll ask small children on the street for their opinions on these hard drugs. The answers they give may shock you.

Suicide & San Francisco


By Jones
When I heard you were planning to commit suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, I got sort of annoyed. See, I read somewhere that so far 1,300 people have already killed themselves this way. Would it kill you to try something original for once in your life? I mean, so it’s a popular place to commit suicide, big deal. If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you? Heh, heh, just a little joke there. Of course you would. Seriously though, do you really want to follow all the other lemmings straight off into the abyss of played-out suicide methods. In any event, I wondered about the mindset and personality of you jumpers, so I did some research and came up with this chart:

Junk Food Mascots: A Dissertation

I guess some corporations think it's good business to use “food mascots” to sell their products to children. Is this type of marketing really effective? I’m not sure, but what I do know is that I find most food mascots to be distressing.

For example: Why exactly did a room full of advertising executives decide androgynous Cuckoo bird who screams at children would be the most effective way to sell Coco Puffs? God knows. Frankly it worries me that most (if not all) of the characters these companies create are mentally disturbed in some way. Here are some other advertising creatures who should probably be institutionalized.

Worthless Guide to Drugs Part 1: The Classics

By Henry
Drugs have got a bad reputation, but I’m not sure why. Think about it: what’s the worst thing a drug has ever done? Destroyed a family? Allowed a person to hold a stimulating conversation with a mop? Caused a person’s death? These are all relatively unimportant things when you come right down to it. There’s a lot of misinformation out there about drugs, but I felt that maybe there was not quite enough. This article should serve to remedy that.
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