I Am Hypochondriac

Sadness PillsHypochondriacs are people who worry excessively about contracting an illness. Upon experiencing the slightest physical discomfort, they will often overreact, becoming absolutely convinced that they have some kind of serious disease. I am one of these people. For example, If I were to get an abnormally bad headache, I would not think "Man, this headache is worse than usual!" I would think "This headache is caused by a monstrous brain tumor. I will die in 3 weeks." and immediately begin hyperventilating while scrawling out a makeshift will on a restaurant napkin.

How To Die

DeathIf we're going to be honest here, there are really only a few real options when it comes to death: You can either die of old age (natural causes), you can happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time (unlucky), or you can off yourself (suicide). Obviously there isn't too much I can't tell you about the first two that isn't common sense, and giving advice about suicide? Nuh-uh. Count me out. Aside from the occasional "I wonder what would happen if I just jerked the wheel and drove right off this overpass" style daydreaming, I haven't even thought too much about offing myself. Better to keep my mouth shut.
So pretty much what I'm left with to discuss is the accouterments of death (you know, the stuff that comes along with it), which I have broken down into three sections: 1. The Fate of Your Immortal Soul, 2. What You Leave Behind, and 3. Your Last Words.
So read on if you wish to know how to die properly.

6 Popular Smells I Do Not Appreciate

Ash TrayIn a previous article I went over 6 SMELLS THEY SHOULD PROBABLY MAKE INTO CANDLES. This article was a runaway success (racking up over 6 views in a mere eighteen days) so in light if this I've decided to take a look at the 6 candle scents I would most definitely not like to see, or rather, six popular smells I do not appreciate (as it says in the title up there). If those descriptions are too complicated for you though, you can also think of this article as Six Smells I Hate, or These Six Things Stink, Get Rid of Them. Or if that's still too complicated you also can think of this article as the other article (the one about good smells)'s evil twin. Here, I'll even give it a goatee so you can tell the two apart. It is my understanding that every evil twin is supposed to have a goatee.

5 Smells They Should Probably Make Into Candles

candleGotta tell you: Not a big fan of the whole scented candle thing. Never have been. The problem is that these scents they choose for the candles are just so uninteresting. Like, I'm looking at the website for Yankee Candle right now. Look at these "top-selling" scents: Fresh Cut Roses? Tropical Fruit? Lilac Blossoms? Booo-ring! You might as well just crawl into your casket right now if you think those are interesting, because brother: You're already dead.

Then, look here, they have Beach Vacation AND Beach Walk. What the hell is the difference!? What, beach Vacation just smells like plain beach, and then for Beach Walk they include the smells of all the soiled condoms and discarded syringes you find washed up on most beaches? Awesome.
But anyway, these scented candle makers really need to get more creative or they are going to go out of business. Luckily I've decided to help them out by compiling this list of the candle scents I'd most (and least) like to see.

Idiots! Stop Wasting Your Money On Homeopathy!

HomeopathyOh my god. What is wrong with you people? Why on earth are you purchasing all those homeopathic remedies? Stop wasting your money on homeopathy! It’s really starting to get on my nerves!

Hey! I saw you sneaking those homeopathic remedies in next to the real pills; don't think I didn’t notice that! That doesn’t BELONG there. That isn’t MEDICINE. Get rid of it! Put it in the zen health food store, or the yoga foundry, or the new-age bakery, or wherever it is you people go these days. Maybe Whole foods. Yeah. Take that shit out behind a Whole Foods and dump it. I want the alley behind that store to look like the Salvation Army! And the next time I'm in a pharmacy I had better not see anymore bottles of Zicam next to the NasalCrom. If I do, I’m going to go ape. I mean it. I will tear that store apart. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got an article about homeopathy to write poorly.

Airborne: Nose Candy For Noses

AirborneWhat is Airborne? Why, a popular dietary supplement of course! Like most other dietary supplements, it has never actually been proven to do anything. People still enjoy spending money on it though, because it's the easiest way for them to feel like they're taking care of themselves without actually having to do any real work (such as exercising or not eating twelve Ho-Hos in an hour).
I'd been hearing a whole lot about this fascinating product lately, so out of curiosity I decided to purchase a bottle. Then I thought about how much work that would be and decided against it. Then I thought, "Eh, what the hell, I might as well just go do it." and got up from my chair. But as I began walking toward the door, I thought I felt a bit of a headache coming on and figured I'd better lie down for a minute. Then I fell asleep. I didn't end up buying any of the Airborne after all. But I did compile these 100% TRUE FACTS about it.

Drug Diary 3: Mushrooms

Electronic DiaryOnce again, here it is: I got a friend of mine to agree to participate in a private and almost certainly fictional study. Once and a while he would ingest an illegal substance, attempt to spend a normal day at work, and record what happened. Then he would send the results to me.

Unfortunately, after this experiment with Psilocybin (Magic Mushrooms) he was found drowned in a small pond in a field. Here the results, which I recovered from his diary by breaking into his house and stealing it.

Drug Diary 2: Heroin

So yeah, as I explained in the first article of this series, I got a friend of mine to agree to undertake a private and possibly fictional study. Every few days he would ingest a single illegal substance, head to work, and record what happened. Here the results of his experiment with Heroin which I recovered from his diary after he had died from a massive heroin overdose.

Worthless Guide to Fitness

Tony Fitness
I once read that a healthy body equals a healthy mind and soul. Afterwards, I crumpled up the granola bar wrapper it was printed on and threw it into the trash, scoffing at the notion that anyone would follow vague, new-age "medical" advice from product packaging. But afterwards I became worried that I may have judged the Kellogg’s marketing division too harshly. Certainly they couldn’t be all wrong. So after much deliberation I decided that there actually was part of this sentence that was true. It was the part where it said “I’ve often read”. So there you have it: Truth in advertising. Oh by the way, here’s an article about getting in shape. It's divided into two sections, one for fat people, and one for regular people.

Most Superpowers Are Worthless (A Guide)

Many people wish they had superpowers, but do they truly know the risk involved in obtaining them? Who among us would brave an atomic blast, a bite from a radioactive arachnid, or an inordinately risky and ostensibly pointless genetic experiment in order to obtain these powers? Very few people, because humans are basically cowards. But for those foolish enough to try, I’ve written this guide describing the practical features of each of the major superpowers. Be sure and read the whole thing before you decide which you're going to go for.
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