HEALTH & WELLNESS

It seems like all you ever hear about is how awful it is to get old. Back pain, high blood pressure, grey hair, rest homes, the inability to see or hear anything, heart attacks, and death (yawn) and just a few of the "negatives" which make aging seem less than desirable.
 
But here's what the pessimists don't tell you: There are also many positive aspects to aging, many of which are cool enough to outweigh the shitty stuff. Then again, I may be somewhat biased when it comes to the elderly, as at the age of 27, I already posses many "old people" traits.

My hair is already going grey, I complain constantly, take far too many pills, spend almost my entire day napping, find loud music obnoxious, and in public places I go out of my way to avoid groups of teenagers because who knows they might be Kubrickian hooligans who'd jump me "just for kicks". So maybe I'm an old person in spirit already. Who knows.
 
Either way, I think you'll find that I still have some valid reasons why it'll be awesome to get old. Take a look.

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there's a pretty decent chance you're going to die. Don't feel bad, it happens to the best of us. At the very least, you can take solace in the fact that you're in good company. I have it on good authority that a number of famous people have also died. St. Thomas Aquinas, for example. And George Carlin? Long gone. Kurt Vonnegut kicked off only recently as well. Why, even old Donny "The Royal Asshole" Regan ate it eventually, despite his repeated assurances that he'd be sticking around indefinitely to "keep his boot upon the necks of the poor".
 
I guess my point is that it isn't the inevitability of death which frightens most of us. No, most people worry about the way they'll go. A lucky few will go quietly in their sleep, some will experience a massive thrombotic stroke while piloting a motorized scooter, and others will (puzzling though it may be) somehow manage to receive a stray bullet to the brainstem while ogling children at a Chuckie Cheese.
 
And while goes without saying that most people have very little say in the method of their own demise, it is sometimes possible to steer the hand of fate in a certain direction. So for those who are interested in achieving a more interesting death, here are (in no particular order) The Top Five Most Fascinating Ways To Die.

The more observant among you may have noticed that there has been a fairly extreme smear campaign launched against bottled water by Big Government and the leftist newsmedia of late. This comes as no surprise, as the ability to purchase and casually discard nonbiodegradable plastic receptacles is one of the few personal freedoms which remain available to us in this increasingly socialistic world of ours.
 
Which is precisely why it is imperative that people realize that claims such as "bottled water creates unnecessary waste", "bottled water is less safe than tap water", or "most bottled water is just tap water that costs 600% more" are nothing more than lies perpetuated by politically correct, freedom-hating rabblerousers.
 
So with that in mind, please have a look at five of the many reasons why it is your civic duty to consume bottled water over tap water.

FDA-Approved medicine is for suckers. In case you hadn't heard...all-natural remedies are the wave of the future! Why go all-natural? The reasons are so simple that even uneducated people who don't believe in taking pills can understand them: Health and Happiness. Studies have shown that those who use herbal remedies are far healthier and far happier than those who use over-the-counter and prescription drugs. If you don't believe me, you need only look to the internet to find thousands upon thousands of poorly written Angelfire webpages cryptically citing studies of indeterminate origin as proof that herbal remedies are effective.
 
So since I'm such a huge proponent of haphazardly ingesting untested substances to cure illnesses I may or may not have, I've decided to make up this list of the ten best reasons to switch over to all-natural remedies.