GUIDES/HOW TO

Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 2: Mummies

Mummy
By Henry
Have you ever gotten a chill when walking by a pharaoh’s tomb? This is likely caused by the spirit of a mummy. Mummies are ancient creatures which have been around for hundreds of years. Thousands of people have been killed by them. A few have even been captured and are now on display in museums across the globe. I recommend that you go view one or two (at your peril of course). If you don’t feel like heading into some musty old museum though, just read this article. You might just learn a thing or two about mummies.

Worthless Guide to Drugs Part 3: Higher Still

Drugs 3
By Henry
Fact: Not all drugs are illegal. Every year Americans spend more than 38 dollars on safe and effective over-the-counter drugs such as aspirin, cough syrup, energy drinks, and cigarettes. These four legal drugs alone provide us humans with relief from some important symptoms (Headaches, coughs, low energy, and not hacking up blood due to cancerous lung polyps). This article covers the effects and histories of legal drugs like caffeine, tobacco, and cocaine (Note: Obviously cocaine isn’t actually legal, but that ruins the intro so just play along). Oh, and if you haven’t read Part 1 and Part 2 of this series, I think you should do that now because otherwise you won’t understand what’s going on with the plot.

Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 1: Werewolves

Werewolf
By Henry
Fear. Fear is the one and only thing which separates humans from beasts and inanimate objects. But what does man fear most? You guessed it: Monsters. In this series of articles we’ll travel through the human brain and learn the history of the most popular monsters in the world, hear evidence of their existence, and learn how to defeat them in combat.

Worthless Guide to Antisocialism

Anti
By M. Anger
You don't like to be bothered, but someone just won't leave you alone. What can you do in this situation? Sure, you could drug them, drag them back to their apartment, pack a suitcase full of clothes, and then throw the suitcase into the river after burying them in a shallow grave in the forest, leaving a one-way European plane ticket stub on their kitchen counter for police investigators to find, and why not? Well I’ll tell you: There’s an easier way of being left alone, it's called being antisocial, and it doesn’t involve your uncle Lewis clawing fruitlessly at the lid of his makeshift coffin in the Pine Barrens just because he wouldn’t stop yammering on about his daughter.  Read on to learn more about the methods I have devised for reducing social contact to a bare minimum.

Oh Great, I Graduated. Now What the F### am I Supposed to Do?

Graduation KidThe path to high school graduation is fraught with dangers. The simple days of “an apple a day”, “join choir to get out of real classes” and “taunt the fat kid until he goes insane” are long gone.

Battles with bands of wild brigands, an attack from a giant squid, and the death of their loving ape companion are only a few of the problems students must to deal with in today’s modern society. I’ve compiled the most common questions about high school graduation in this page. You’ll read it if you know what’s good for you.

Street Gangs: A Swell Solution To a Modern-Day Problem

Riot GangKids these days don’t have enough to do. They play hooky from school during the day and cause a ruckus as they drag race their hotrods down main street at night. What can be done to combat this teenage menace? Let me tell you: Make street gangs legal.

What’s that you say? Gangs aren’t illegal? Ha! Shows what you know buddy, I’m pretty sure that they are. Honestly, it doesn’t matter either way; here’s an easy-to-follow Q&A explaining why gangs are healthy for children.

Worthless Guide to Drugs Part 2: Ups & Downs

Drugs2
By Henry
Part 1 of this guide, I talked about a bunch of different drugs (Heroin, Marijuana, LSD, and Mushrooms) and gave you advice on whether or not you should take them. In this portion I’ll let you in on the secrets of a few more drugs, and also give you a coupon code you can redeem with your dealer for a free drug (participation may vary). Also, for the first time ever, we’ll ask small children on the street for their opinions on these hard drugs. The answers they give may shock you.

How to Waste Thousands of Dollars for No Good Reason (A Guide to Weddings)

Wedding
By M. Anger
I have been married approximately 0 times in my short life, so I pretty much know all there is to know about weddings. I am a giving person by nature, so I felt it would only be right to share my vast knowledge of marriage with the common man (you). The idea I came up with was a wedding Q&A, because I figure that the best way to assist as many people as possible with wedding-related questions is to post a wedding question and answer session on a website that nobody reads.

Online Names: Reader Mail

Continued from Online Names

From Rainbowfox:

Why would you be so hateful towards those you dont understand. I think you should take a step back and try making a furry character once and you may find that you like it. Then maybe you and I can go to a party and scritch a littlemaybe even get yiffy.

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