GUIDES/HOW TO

Worthless Guide to Dating: Part 1

Dating
It seems to me that a lot of men are having trouble asking women out these days. Perhaps it’s our reliance on all these fancy new myspaces and craigslists and Billy Dee Williams dot coms and National Screaming Eagle Alliance of White Power Lovemeet forums; I’m not sure. But what I am sure of is that all you straight men need a wake-up call, and I’m here to give it to you. What ever happened to the good old days when a shrouded figure could approach a woman in a darkened alley and mutter something vaguely lewd? I’ll tell you what happened: Political correctness. It truly is a shame. But anyhow, here are some DO’s and DON’Ts that might help you get a date.

Worthless Guide to Playing Guitar

Guitar Kid
Ever since I was a small child I’ve dreamt of being a rock star. One of my fondest childhood memories is dancing in front of our television, rocking out with a broken broom to a Whitesnake music video my father was watching. “Boy,” he said to me, taking a drag from one of his brown paper (and likely PCP laced) Sherman cigarettes, “Getthefug outta the way and stop mincing around like a goddamn fa**ot.” Then he threw a half-empty beer can at my head and I ran off crying. From that moment I knew I was destined for greatness. Sure enough, soon I was swaying back under the white hot lights of the stage, noodling at a cheap guitar and barely able to stand because my blood was almost pure heroin. So now that you’re aware of my own rock credentials, let’s see about helping you get started with your own.

How To Shop For a New Car

New CarBuying a new car can be a stressful experience, and people usually have plenty of questions about the process. How does negotiation work? Is the dealership trying to rip me off? Do I need rustproofing? What happens if I plow through a bustling outdoor marketplace on a test drive, killing dozens; isn’t the salesperson responsible?

 I’m sure you’re sitting there smugly mouthing the answers to these without even thinking about it, but you’d be surprised at how many of us can’t do that. Not everyone can be as great as you, you know. Jeez.

Worthless Guide to Fitness

Tony Fitness
I once read that a healthy body equals a healthy mind and soul. Afterwards, I crumpled up the granola bar wrapper it was printed on and threw it into the trash, scoffing at the notion that anyone would follow vague, new-age "medical" advice from product packaging. But afterwards I became worried that I may have judged the Kellogg’s marketing division too harshly. Certainly they couldn’t be all wrong. So after much deliberation I decided that there actually was part of this sentence that was true. It was the part where it said “I’ve often read”. So there you have it: Truth in advertising. Oh by the way, here’s an article about getting in shape. It's divided into two sections, one for fat people, and one for regular people.

Worthless Guide to Social Graces - Part 2: Table Manners

Table Manners
Table manners have existed since long before the invention of the table. For example, did you know that: In ancient Rome, wiping your mouth with the back of your arm was deemed illegal by the emperor? Or that early Egyptians used to begin each meal with a prayer to the god of the stomach to ensure good digestion? Perhaps you’ve heard that in 16th century China, chewing with your mouth open was believed to have been poor luck for gamblers. Pretty interesting huh? Well, maybe not quite as interesting as you may have thought, because it turns out that those were all lies. Not even remotely true. Really makes you think, doesn’t it? So anyway, now that I’ve taught you all a valuable lesson about dishonesty in modern society, I present to you this hard-hitting look at table manners around the world. I would also like to point out that it would probably be considered no-holds-barred, and also that it pulls no punches. So look forward to that.

Behold! For I am Otherkin! (Feel My Power)

Otherkin Being Otherkin is a lot like being black in the 50s. What I mean by this is that coming out of the closet as an Otherkin (like coming out as a black person) can be dangerous to your health. I personally have had people shout slurs at me in the park, had a large carton of Whoppers candy thrown at my back, and been denied a position in data entry simply because I am not shy about telling people that my body contains the soul of an ancient dragon named Stryyker.

So since not many people in the world seem to understand what it means to be an Otherkin, I figured I would write this Q&A to straighten you people out. 

Worthless Guide to Survival - Part 4: Urban Environments

Riot
When most people think about survival they usually imagine themselves hurling crude spears at boars in the Amazon, or brushing snow from their beard as they slog through waist-high snow wearing a bearskin overcoat. These images come from the most common survival scenarios (Disastrous Jungle Treasure Hunt & Arctic Plane Crash, respectively) but it’s important to remember that in some rare cases you may need to “survive” in urban environments as well. In this guide we’ll discuss some useful urban survival techniques such a tailing a thief, surviving a riot, and gently stroking your zombified uncle’s thinning hair as he sputters and dies of multiple shotgun blasts to the face and eyes.

Most Superpowers Are Worthless (A Guide)

Powers
Many people wish they had superpowers, but do they truly know the risk involved in obtaining them? Who among us would brave an atomic blast, a bite from a radioactive arachnid, or an inordinately risky and ostensibly pointless genetic experiment in order to obtain these powers? Very few people, because humans are basically cowards. But for those foolish enough to try, I’ve written this guide describing the practical features of each of the major superpowers. Be sure and read the whole thing before you decide which you're going to go for.

Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 3 - Vampires

Vampire Slide
By Henry
For many children, the dream of feasting upon the blood of the living in order to attain immortality is never fully realized. Sure, sucking the blood from a fresh cut on an infant or relative might give a person a cheap thrill, but the joy it brings is hollow and fleeting. So even though you may never be able to be a vampire, that doesn’t stop you from learning something about them, does it? This article compiles the many minutes of research I have done on vampires into one easy-to-ignore page of utter idiocy.

Worthless Guide to Social Graces - Part 1: Restrooms

Bathroom
By Kevin
Certainly you’ve met others in your life who you would consider to be “rude”. Some murmur loudly while chewing their food, some knock over the elderly in order to get a better spot in line, and then there are those who would reach in to grab a piece of gum out of your mouth before you’ve even finished chewing it. But who can you turn to when you need to find out if something is “impolite”? Miss Manners? If you want to listen to that senile old bag, go right ahead and waste your time. But if you’d rather learn about manners by reading a ridiculous article written by an anonymous author on a no-budget website that absolutely no one reads, please continue.
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