GUIDES/HOW TO

Worthless Guide to Survival - Part 7: SurvivalChat

Chat Room Welcome to a special OSTENSIBLY INTERACTIVE edition of Worthless Guides. After writing a number of informational guides about survival in various environments (which can be fond HERE), I decided to try a different way of helping those in need.

So I set up a public chatroom calling it SurvivalChat, and advertised that anyone who had survival questions was welcome to join the channel and chat with me. What follows is a transcript of the first session. (Also, to spice things up, I have placed a number of random images with colorful borders throughout the article.)

Some Kid Answers Your Questions About Monkey Butlers

Monkey Butler By Bobby Age 12
This is a Q&A which is meant to answer all the questions a laymen might have about monkey butlers. I think it's pretty self explanatory from here.

And if you didn't read the main Monkey Butler article: You Had Better Check It Out.

Worthless Guide to Survival - Part 6: The Cold

ColdI know a lot about surviving in the cold, alright? I live somewhere called the Midwestern United States, ever you heard of it? Yeah, that's what I thought. Here's how the seasons work here (and why I know so much about the cold):

Winter (11 Months): It's true.  

Spring (15 Days) Temperatures rise to sightly above freezing. Snow turns to cold rain.

Worthless Guide To Anime - Part 2

Song Broads
<Continued from Part 1

The first thing most people notice about anime shows are the ridiculous names they've been given. Talk about a turn-off. I mean, who in the world is going to go see something called Ah, My Goddess in the listings and flip over to check it out? A bored seven-year-old girl maybe, and even then, it's a stretch.

Some Kid Talks About Monkey Butlers

Painting

OK, so you take a bunch of monkeys and you train them to be butlers for people. It’s pretty simple. The monkeys can do anything you want them to. They can bring you food, serve you a delicious frothy mug of ale, and even clean the kitchen if you want them to. Yes, they could even be your chauffer. All you would have to do is clap your hands twice and say: “ho, ho, ho, monkey, take me to white castle!” and the monkey would tip his cap to you and drive you there.

Worthless Guide to Pogs

Pogpile

A certain time in recent American history: Tommy jukes down a dim elementary school hallway wearing in a green Starter Jacket, the sullen bass intro of Ice Ice Baby burbling from a boombox on his shoulder. He passes a boy in a faded Voltron T-Shirt. The boy mutters under his breath and probes compulsively at the rubber basketball pump on the tongue of his scuffed white shoe.

Worthless Guide to Survival - Part 5: Islands

Island

Being stranded on a desert island is no laughing matter, for death is always close at hand. The possibility for escape is almost nonexistent. The ocean is filled with ravenous sharks. If you stay in the sun your virgin flesh will be charred so severely that it will simply slide from your flank like a tender cut of veal. If you attempt to take refuge in the foliage you will instantly be set upon by millions disease-ridden insects and hissing reptiles will drop down on you from the trees. But it isn't all bad. Wait, actually it is. Better just keep reading.

Worthless Guide to Anime (Redux) - Part 1

Roof

“What is anime!?” Someone screams from a nearby rooftop, catching my attention as I pass by on the street. The wind whisks the words away before they reach my ears, forcing me to guess at his question. “7:36!” I shout back. Flustered, the man cups his hands to his mouth and tries again, “WHAT! IS! ANIME!” Unfortunately I do not hear this, as I have wandered into a nearby deli in order that I might purchase some pastrami.

Worthless Guide to Social Graces - Part 4: Japanese Culture

Japan
Japan! They don’t call it The City of Angels for nothing. Many people live there, and a number events have been known to take place within its borders. But this article isn’t about any of that. It’s just that I’ve gotten a number of imaginary requests for a complete list of thirty-one (31) things which are considered shameful and impolite in Japan.

Worthless Guide to Housing: Apartments

Apartment

It’s difficult to describe what makes a place feel like “home”. Is it the fetid air that wafts in when you open a window? The charming view of the local gang corner? Or perhaps it’s the way milky water bubbles back up from the drain each time you use the sink because of that mysterious clog you never quite cleaned out. Whatever it is that makes a home your own, eventually you’re probably going to have to move. You might wish to try a different style of home, but which is best? An apartment? Condominium? Townhouse? Trailer? Single family home? It’s madness I tell you, MAADNESSS!
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