GUIDES/HOW TO

Worthless Guide to Monsters: Jersey Devil

Jersey Devil!Most people reading this aren't going to have a clue what the Jersey Devil is. But that's why you're here, isn't it? You're here to learn. At least I hope you are. Because if you aren't, this eighteen cent grant the federal government gave me to research on the Jersey Devil is just going to waste.

It isn't easy to get these grants you know! Do you people realize how many FORMS I had to fill out for this? Four. And that's just the ones I made up. Actually it was all made up. Lies are my tool.

But hey, let's talk about the Jersey Devil now.

Worthless Guide to Monsters: Ghouls

GhoulWhat led me to write this article was a conversation I had about ghouls with a coworker the other day. I said, “Hey, what exactly IS a ghoul anyway.” He ignored me, turning a page in his book. “Is a ghoul the same thing as a ghost? Maybe it's more like a zombie. But I think ghouls are smaller, and I thought they had pointy ears...”

“Mmm.” My coworker said, without looking up.

“What about a gremlin?” I continued, “Maybe a ghoul is a type of gremlin. Oh! Or maybe it's a goblin! That sounds more like it. But hey, what's the difference between a gremlin and a goblin anyway? I don't think they're the same thing.” He still wasn't paying any attention, but it didn't matter. My mind was made up. “When I get home I'll look up ghouls on the internet.” I said.

So I did, and here's what I found out.

Worthless Guide to Monsters: Bigfoot

BigfootIt’s surprising how many people actually believe in Bigfoot. They believe that he exists, they believe actual recordings have been made of him, and many of them claim to have seen him snowboarding in the mountains or something.

And while the vast majority of these claims are likely just the insane ramblings of pie-eyed Catskill degenerates, I’m still going to write this article about Bigfoot. It isn’t often that the ideas of hill-folk are taken seriously, so I figured I might as well give them a shot. So now: Bigfoot.

The Baron's Guide to Bullying: 2

DefenseBy Martin “The Baron” Russmier
A bully can hurt others in many ways. They can damage someone emotionally (with harsh words or deeds), but they can also damage them physically. I’ve had my share of run-ins with bullies. I’m ashamed to admit that in my lifetime I’ve been “beaten up” more times than I can remember. But then, on my 30th birthday, I made a pact with myself: I decided I wasn’t going to be pushed around anymore. So, I decided to learn self-defense, and created a training regimen for myself.

Now its six years later and I’m ready to fight! I am proficient in almost every form of martial art you can imagine. I know Karate, I know Kendow, and yes, I even know Tai-Bo. Yeah, laugh if you want, but you won’t be laughing long when I break out my patented Tai-Bo “Fury of Blows”. Now here’s how to put a bully in his place.  

The Baron's Guide to Bullying: Part 1

BullyingBy Martin “The Baron” Hubley
Believe it or not, I was actually subjected to a good deal of bullying in my grammar school days. I suppose the other kids were jealous of my superior brain-power, and they bullied me in an attempt to cut me down to their intellectual size. Of course it didn’t work.

See, I had this mantra, and I would chant it aloud as I walked through the halls: “You can try to smash my sandwich at lunch, but I will snatch it from your hand: Hyah! You can try to throw a landscaping brick at me during gym, but I will dodge it with the speed of a majestic lioness: Rowr! And you can try to elbow me off the auditorium stage, but I will sprout dragon’s wings and fly off to glorious lands: Whoosh!” I think this made bullies think twice before giving me grief.

Worthless Guide to Housing: Part 2 - Houses

Crooked HouseI suppose owning your own home could be considered an integral part of The American Dream. Well, not of my own personal American Dream, but of the Vague & Nonspecific American Dream most people imagine. I honestly don’t think I can define it, but the one thing I’m sure of is that it doesn’t have much to do with reality.

For example, if life followed the tenets of TAD, the “affordable” townhome I recently purchased wouldn’t have had a busted hot water heater, urine-soaked burnt orange carpet, an ancient & barely-functional air conditioner, drafty windows, and weird sloping/rolling cement floors in the basement which may or may not have been hastily constructed to conceal a temple of ancient evil. But whatever, here’s some junk about buying houses.

How To Finance a New Car (Threatening Your Way to a Great APR)

This is Part 2 of something related to buying cars. I can't exactly remember what the actual title of it was so this will have to do. Part 1 is BACK HERE in case you missed it. We are now going to discuss financing. And because I can't exactly define this word without boring myself to death, let's just say it's the part where you pay for the car.

Worthless Guide To Survival - Part 8: The Ocean

Sea CalmNow you’ve done it. You’ve caused us to be stranded at sea in a lifeboat. I’m not sure how you let this happen, but I guess there isn’t anything to be done about it now. I suppose we just try to stay alive until we're rescued.

Hmm ... sooo what's been happening with you guys lately? Anything interesting? No? Yeah same here ... Hmm, what's this under my seat? Hey check it out guys, a first aid kit. Let's see what we've got: Aspirin...ibuprofen...triple antibiotic...bandages...hey what the hell are these, cough drops? What's the point of that? Yeeck, menthol too. Nasty. Hey get a load of this: tweezers. That's pretty cool.

Worthless Guide to Life: Babies

Infant Baby ThingThere’s no denying it: Life can be tough. But never fear, I’m here to help with this guide. Since you’re reading a "Guide to Life" from the beginning, I’m going to assume you haven’t really lived yet. Are you a baby? If you are, I guess someone must be reading this to you. That’s pointless. Babies don’t even know what is going on, stop reading this to them. YYYYEEEAAAAAHHHHH! If you read that part, the baby probably started to cry just now. Serves you right.
 
But yeah, I think all you babies out there would be pleased if you really could understand this article. I think you would discover that your future life is going to be a beautiful adventure. Haha, just kidding. I bet it’s actually gonna be pretty bad. Man, you babies will believe anything.
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