GUIDES/HOW TO

5 More Swordfighting Tips for Sworders

Sword KidBy Martin "The Baron" Hubley
I recently saw a story in the "news" in which a young boy diced up a would-be robber using only his samurai sword. The criminal was killed. The author tried to paint a grim picture of the boy as a needless murderer ("he should've just called the police!"), but I obviously he was more than a little bias against freedom! This man was creeping about in the boy's own personal garage! He may have been attempting to thieve a pair of cross-country skis, a child's baseball mitt, or a cordless hedge trimmer with a battery which no longer holds a charge. You may not see these items as important enough to murder over, but remember that they belonged to an AMERICAN CITIZEN. Might I remind you that the 5th amendment of the constitution of the America allows us to protect our property any means necessary, including murder.
 
Hear that you fat cat liberals in Washington? ANY MEANS NECESSARY. So if I wake up one night and head downstairs to find a crooker attempting to escape with an armful of my beloved Naruto DVDs, you can be damn sure I won't be calling the fuzz. I'll slice him up with one of my blades without even a second thought. "Hyah! Hyeah!" two direct hits! Thump. His head hits the ground. Crooks beware!

How To Die

DeathIf we're going to be honest here, there are really only a few real options when it comes to death: You can either die of old age (natural causes), you can happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time (unlucky), or you can off yourself (suicide). Obviously there isn't too much I can't tell you about the first two that isn't common sense, and giving advice about suicide? Nuh-uh. Count me out. Aside from the occasional "I wonder what would happen if I just jerked the wheel and drove right off this overpass" style daydreaming, I haven't even thought too much about offing myself. Better to keep my mouth shut.
 
So pretty much what I'm left with to discuss is the accouterments of death (you know, the stuff that comes along with it), which I have broken down into three sections: 1. The Fate of Your Immortal Soul, 2. What You Leave Behind, and 3. Your Last Words.
 
So read on if you wish to know how to die properly.
 

5 White Hot Swordfighting Tips for Swordfighters

LarpBy Martin "The Baron" Hubley
Combat using swords is harder than most civilians would imagine. You not only need skill in handling the weapon, but also the mental conviction to deliver the killing blow (when needed).

There are also many lesser-known factors most laymen don't consider about weapons combat. Factors like balance. Balancing is actually the most difficult part of hand to hand combat, and there are many things about balance that people don't realize. For example: did you know that balance is 20% mental, 20% physical, and 60% based on sight? It's really quite remarkable. If you don't believe me, simply try to jump up and down or walk forwards with your eyes closed. That's right, you can't do it. This is because of balance.
 
Read on for 5 of my hottest tips for swordplay beginners.
 

How To Get Out of Coping With The Existential Horror of Your Purposeless Life

Sad KidA lot of needless thought tends to go into the "important" questions in life. "Why are we here?" "What is my purpose?" "Is there a god?" For most people, knowing The Meaning of Life isn't going to change anything. Sure, Slovenly Joe The Racist Plumber might get a kick out of knowing life on earth was seeded by aliens as some kind of grand experiment, but this information is not going to change the way he spends his Saturday nights (splayed out nude on the couch sucking on a tube of raw cookie dough as Judge Judy reruns flicker on the TV).

So why waste precious time and brain cycles considering these unanswerable hypotheticals when there are far more important problems in the world to be considered, such as "Can using a public toilet give you AIDs?", "Where the hell did all these spiders come from?" or "When does the next Chuckie movie come out?"

Golf is Kind of Stupid

Club BrokenI honestly can't understand why any human being would choose to play golf. I mean, I guess I can see why a person might find the idea of golf appealing, but as far as the actual experience goes, I just don't get it. I'm sure when most people think of golf they imagine the peaceful day they will inevitably have on "the links". They've got a cool beer in their hand, and a warm summer breeze caresses their face as they walk down the lush, perfectly sculpted fairway with a club over one shoulder, whistling a merry tune. What could be better, right?
 
In truth, however, an afternoon of golf on a public course would more accurately be described as a torturous three-and-a-half hour slog across ragged sun-scorched patches of grass as the sun pounds down searing your flesh and you wade into the ditch to retrieve your very last ball and the spiny brush slashes your face and arms and eyes and just up the ridge is the freeway and the roar of some deadbeat dad's rusted out white pickup truck engine as he screams by on his way to a child support hearing and you can't find the ball it just isn't anywhere and your stomach churns sour and roils and you know you have to go oh sweet lord how you DESPERATELY have to go but you know the only outhouse is 6 holes back so you clamp down on it and dive deeper and the sun bakes the air and the horseflies bite down and somewhere in the back of your mind you begin to wonder if you'll ever make it out of here alive.

How To Score a Date with The Perfect Hotties!

"Hot" ChicksBy Martin "The Baron" Hubley
People always ask me: "Martin, how do you meet so many hot ladies? You've got all the luck!" While it may be true that I have very little trouble attracting the opposite sex, this has nothing to do with "finding" the women. Finding women is easy, they're all around! I always say: "Around every corner there's a sweet treat." Ain't it the truth though? You can find the ladies everywhere: Bookfairs, at the free clinic, in booths at the carnival, the smoke shop, even walking their dogs in the park at night. The least you can do is sidle up to these women and holler them (for those who aren't aware, "Hollering a woman" is an urban term for asking them for a date!)

Continue on to hear a few more of my choice tips about how to snag the perfect cutie with your love skills!

How To Avoid a Fight Like The Coward You Are

FightI don't know anything about fighting, but I do know plenty about avoiding fights. I've been doing it all my life. Mostly it's because of my face. It isn't that great-looking or anything, but I worry about it sometimes. See, it's a good bet that if someone hit me in the face they'd cave my nose in or something. Then where would I be? I'd have to go around with some crooked ass Owen Wilson nose for the rest of my life and I really don't think I have the charisma to pull that sort of thing off.
 
So anyway whether you're a fellow sissy looking to pick up some crying tips, or a lifetime bully who'd just like to know the mindset of the guy who quietly murmurs something and closes his eyes when you threaten him with violence, I'd definitely suggest that you read on to hear some of my best pain-avoidance tricks. Who knows? You might just learn a little something about what it means to be a man (not true).
 

These Horrible Self Defense Tools Will Make You Dead

Self Defense ToolsBy Martin "The Baron" Hubley
I consider myself to be something of a consumer advocate when it comes to the internet. There is so much misinformation floating out there on the cybernet that it's ridiculous. In a PREVIOUS ARTICLE I revealed the greatest self-defense tools of all time, and also let readers in on what I personally used to defend myself and my flock.

Now I'm going to show you the WORST self-defense tools and methods of all time (many of which are said to be "the best" by various internet sources). Just remember, when you need to know who and what to trust, you can always count on me, The Baron, to set the record straight.
 
Now, let's bust these lies down to size!

Mind Your Manners in Tunisia (Or Pay The Ultimate Price)

TunisiaTraveling to other countries can be a harrowing experience. When you are unfamiliar with the culture of a particular area, you will often find yourself questioning everything you do. You will constantly ask yourself "Is the action I am about to take offensive Will it upset my host?" A simple gesture like stroking the mustache of a man you've just met, or sitting on the lap of a wheelchair-bound child might be perfectly acceptable in one country, while in another it might be grounds for a knifing.

Frisbee is Kind of Stupid (A Guide)

Stupid FrisbeeWhat is frisbee? Is it a game? A pasttime? A sport? Or is it, in fact, way of life (as many of its supporters would have you believe)? I propose that none of these things is true. Frisbee is merely a concept. An idea without merit. An elder cloud of dust; the ashes of fallen kings laid out across a grand glass table and along comes a large, grey, man who puts a finger to one side of his nose and ... in, and in, and in...
 
And even now it is inside him. It is inside all of us; each and every one. As we go about our days, The Disc thrums within. It is there as we wake; it peers through clouded eyes and tangles of morning hair. It is there as we bathe; it shivers as water streams down the crags of our sagging faces. And, it is there when we sleep; it grasps our hand, guiding us through the haunted world of dreams. Listen carefully, and you shall hear it's ragged breath. Poised on the brink... Waiting. Watching. It is slow and creeping death. It is the relentless march of time.
 
Oh, and also, frisbee is kind of stupid. Here's why.
 
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