GUIDES/HOW TO

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Idaho

The Tourist's Guide to Idaho
Believe it or not, sometimes people actually go to Idaho on purpose. Yeah, I know, it sort of blew my mind at first too, but it's true. "And what," you might ask, "do these people do once they've arrived in Idaho?" Hell if I know. According to the board of tourism's website Idaho is an "Outdoors-Oriented Community". So maybe they go on walks?

Or, maybe "outdoors community" is really just code for "There is nothing to do here. Now take some mushrooms and get lost on a hiking trail which will become oppressively sinister as darkness encroaches while indistinct voices cackle with laughter amongst the undergrowth and then you finally get home and can't even get to sleep because THE FOLDING CHAIR JUST WON'T SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT HEALTH CARE REFORM AARRGHH" which, appealing as it may sound, is probably not convincing too many families to take a road trip to Idaho.
 
But I suppose that is why I'm here: To convince you all that taking a trip to Idaho is the best choice a hesitant vacationer could make. So let's take a look at some of the attractions this fine state has to offer, won't us?

How To Build Your Own PC

How To Build Your Own PC
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
The BaronIf you've never built your own personal computer (or PC as they're known in the biz) you're missing out on a world of excitement, adventure, and sensualness unlike anything you have known. And ladies, if you haven't dated a man who has built his own computer, you're missing out (just ask my big and beautiful girlfriend Tina)! So you can keep your sex parties, drinking & driving parties, and make-out parties...we real men will taking off our shirts together, setting our processors to the max, and cranking the RAM to 100! Non stop!
 
So oil up your sockets, wrap your fingers around those meaty pipes, and let's get hog wild by building our own PCs!

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...North Dakota

Tourists Guide to North Dakota 
When I was a kid I would often refer to North Dakota as "The Boring Dakota". Now that I am older (and slightly wiser) I see how wrong I really was. North Dakota couldn't possibly be the boring Dakota because both Dakotas are the boring Dakota. I feel like South Dakota is only given a pass because it has a couple of reasonably worthwhile tourist attractions. This stands in stark contrast to the zero worthwhile attractions located in North Dakota. That is, unless you consider the LaMoure Toy Farmer Museum to be a worthwhile attraction. Personally I do not.
 
Nevertheless: I am now going to attempt to sell you on a vacation to North Dakota. This is the first in a 50-Part series in which I will describe and pointlessly insult the major tourist attractions in each state. If this sounds incredibly stupid to you, don't worry. I'll probably only be able to do three or four states before I get bored and abandon this idea forever.
 
But for now, let's check out some of the fantastic reasons to visit North Dakota!

How To Spot & Capture a Homosexual

How To Spot a Homosexual - Bush Binoculars
I am a heterosexual male. Some time ago, I went to see a movie with my cousin (a man who is married to a woman and also heterosexual as far as I am aware). I hadn't eaten anything that day, so I decided to get two large orders of $76 nachos, a giant Dr. Pepper, and several boxes of candy. All of this food was to be eaten by me and me alone, partially because my cousin was smuggling his own food in, but mostly because I am a big selfish fatty with no self-control.
 
But a funny thing happened when it came time for the clerk to distribute straws. Having done some calculations in his head, he decided to give us two straws (so we could "share", see?). Now at this point most of you are probably thinking, "Yeah, so what? Maybe he was a little presumptous, but no big deal. No harm done, right?" But I disagree. It WAS a big deal, and harm WAS done. Because what he did was discrimination. Discrimination against chronic overeaters of unhealthy garbage.

Obviously the kid saw what I was ordering and thought "Wow, that sure is an upsetting amount of food for one person to eat on their own. Either this guy is a disgusting, unhealthy pig who is gonna hoover up all this this artery-clogging slop himself, or these two are a gay couple and are planning on sharing. There's no way this guy is stupid enough to eat all this on his own. They must be normal, healthy homosexuals. So I'll just go ahead give them an extra straw." Outrageous.

So as you can see, despite all the progress that's been made towards equal rights in America, we as a nation still have a long way to go when it comes to human rights. Perhaps one day a borderline obese glutton such as myself will be able to go into a theater with another person and order absurd amounts of food without the clerk assuming they are going to share said food with said other person.

Oh, and speaking of human rights and assumptions made about others based solely upon their appearance...here are the top five signs someone you know might be gay.

How To Say No To Drugs

How to Say No To Drugs - He Man
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
How to Stay Off Drugs - The BaronAlright kids and teens, here's a little math problem for you: Every day 1 million of people die from doing a drug. half of the population on the earth is children. have you figured out the answer? That's right: Half a million kids die every day because of drugs. Still say smoking on a stick of Mary Jane is "cool"? I thought not.
 
But even after hearing this shocking stat, some of you might still assume it's OK to take "just one" suck of dope. That it's fine to drink "just one" cup of LSD. A few of you might even believe it's "alright" to just eat "just one" piece of cocaine. But the path to drug addiction is steep as a dragon's brow. Take just one step on it and suddenly you've bought yourself a one-way ticket to losersvilles. One day you're captain of the football group and the next you're on a street corner selling your football champion trophy to buy more meth pills.

How To Lose Weight (A Needlessly Insulting Guide)

How to Lose Weight Insulting Guide
Guest Post From Celebrity Doctor Phil McGraw
How To Lose Weight - Dr. PhilHowdy folks, I'm Celebrity Doctor Phil McGraw, and I'm here to with some tips to help ya'll lose some weight and keep it off for good. Using my good old fashioned down-home country-living common-sense approach to advice-giving, I'll make sure the lard drops off your ample behinds just as sure as a coonhound at a rodeo loves eatin' truffles out of a fountain during a superbowl sunday hootenanny.
 
But don't assume I'll coddle you. Don't assume I'm gonna be "Politically Correct". You've read plenty of Mothering P.C. weight-loss books and look what it's gotten you: A whole bowl full of nothing. What you folks need is some good hard love. Some no-nonsense honest advice. What you need is a heapin' spoonful of Phil.
 
And by God I intend to give it to you.

How To Burglar-Proof Your Home

 Home Security
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
The BaronHow would you feel if a criminal broke into your home, left with all your belongings in a truck, and then beat up your entire family (including the pets)? You would probably be pretty ticked off. But you shouldn't be, because it was your own fault for not securing your home properly! I don't blame robbers and murderers for what they do. Those who do crimes are often poor minorities (chinese or polish people) who have a hard life and a low-paying job. Simply put: They can't help but steal. Riddle me this: Would you arrest a homeless black man who stole a rich man's car to support his starving family? Of course you wouldn't, he was only trying to survive.
 
But it is still a homeowner's right to protect his property! The key is to make your house so secure that the burglar will go and burgle your neighbor's home instead of your own. It might seem cold, but it's all part of the game of life. So read on to see all the hot and juicy tips I have for securing your home against invaders.
 
(Side note: You might notice a photo of a handsome fellow over there on the left. That's me! It'll be showing up on each of the articles I write for this site from now on, so look forward to it!)

How to Craft the Perfect Resume

Warrior
Howdy ya'll, this is your old pal Martin "The Baron" Hubley here again to spurt some more knowlege into your mouths and onto the front of your shirts. How many times has this happened to you: You apply for a job, but the boss gives it to someone else! Sure is rotten isn't it?! Well never fear, The Baron's here to tell you that the reason you missed out on that golden opportunity isn't because your a loser, it's because you're resume is one!

All aboard the learning train folks! There are three important properties every resume should have: Heart, Hope, & Be Passionate. Heart means make 'em cry. Hope means give em' the hope that you're the best man (or gal) for the job! And C. Above all Be Passionate! Passion is the sloppy goop that makes the world go round, so let em' have it! On the day of your interview, walk straight in the door, hand over your resume, and slather your interviewer with a sloppy dose of passion all over their face and in their mouth. They won't know what hit em'!

But for more detailed tips, read on to check out yours truly's very own resume. You'll have that job in no time!

How To Write a Proper Thank-You Note

Suicide Note
Thank-You notes are, without a doubt, absolutely integral to the way our society functions. Let's say for example that you've just attended a fantastic party hosted by Shane O'Sullivan, one of your closest Irish-American friends. Your first thought upon arriving home from the party would most likely be something like: "Wow, that sure was a great party, I'll have to tell that crazy Mick what a wonderful time I had next time I see him."

Not so fast there pal! The first thing you should realize is that calling an Irish person a "Mick" is pretty offensive. Just because a subset of people look and talk funny, are normally small in stature, and oftentimes have problems pleasing their women in bed due to their tendency to overindulge on alcohol and possibly a genetic predisposition towards small penis size, it doesn't give you the right to stereotype them with racial slurs! There might be a few Irish guys who would probably be pretty nice people, once you get to know them. But I suppose you don't care about that, do you? What a racist.

The Casually Dismissive Guide to Cowboys

Cowboy
There hasn't been much written about cowboys these days. You might assume that this is because cowboys are boring (and you would be right), but luckily for you, I'm not one to shy away from subjects which are "boring" or "stupid" or "a waste of everyone's valuable time".

So after an exhaustive period of exhaustive research, I've compiled my findings into this article, which should serve to answer the most common cowboy-related questions I often receive such as: "What do Cowboys Do All Day?" "Are All Cowboys Gay?" and "I Don't Give a Shit What a Cowboy is. Stop Talking About Cowboys You Jackass".
 
So here look here, Cowboys:
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