FEATURED ARTICLES

A pathetic collection of the "Best" (read: least bad) articles on this site.

Worthless Guide to Job Searches

FiredLet's say you've been doing the same job for 20 years. And then let's say that one day for some reason you got the overwhelming urge to take a dump in the sink of the executive washroom, and that for some reason you actually decided to act upon that urge, and then for some reason the CFO of your company had to use the bathroom and walked in and now he's just standing there STARING at you as you perch there above the sink.
 
So I assume the big question you're probably asking yourself right now is: "What do I do now?" Well, that part's easy: You get fired.

Grobnar Review Things

GrobnarMan ask Grobnar to tell about things he find all around. Man say Grobnar talk about thing and tell how he use thing. Also he say Grobnar say if thing is good or bad. Grobnar no know why but man say he give Grobnar mammal meat if Grobnar do this.

So Grobnar think he help. Grobnar hungry. Grobnar not eat nothing in days. Well, Grobnar eat small bird, but that not fill Grobnar up. So Grobnar tell stories and get mammal meat. Grobnar mouth watering already.

Cheesy Catalog Review: Home Trends

TrendsI recently picked up this catalog at my grandma’s house. I’m not exactly sure what the theme of it is supposed to be. The cover claims that the publishers are “The Home Cleaning Experts”, so I thought it might be selling cleaning supplies, but then I looked inside and I couldn’t really find any cleaning stuff. So I can only assume that this catalog is built upon a foundation of lies and deception.

This is good news for me, because it probably means they have some crazy useless stuff for old people in here. I love it.

Animal Awards 2: Bears

Teddy RuxpinWithin the animal kingdom I have to assume bears are seen as somewhat of a success story (at least when it comes to show business). I bet you can’t even think of a single television program, business, or radio show which doesn’t prominently feature a bear in some way. Go ahead and try. I’ll wait.

OK. You back? Did you actually try it? If you did, I’m sure you were probably able to think of about a hundred things which don’t involve bears at all. I guess you called my bluff, and I hope you’re satisfied. But in any case, here are my awards for Worst Famous Bears Ever.

Advice Column: Cars Cars (Cars)

Cars fixedFrom time to time I like to use this website to help people out. What can I say, I'm a charitable person. Some people even call me "The Giver", believe it or not. One of the services I provide is this advice column. Unfortunately, hardly anyone reads this website, so I don’t get many emails.

It also probably doesn’t help that I never actually told anyone about this column, how it works, or how to participate. But no matter, I found a bunch of automotive questions on various internet forums and I’ll just answer those here instead.

Pickup Lines: Worst of The Worst (Part 1)

PickupDo pickup lines really work? This is a question I ask myself each morning as I rise for a day of toil in the fields. The only real way to gauge whether or not a pickup line “works” is to actually speak it, preferably to a human being of the opposite sex who is also not in your extended family.

I realize that some of you may think it's a good idea to try pickup lines out on elderly uncles, emotionally damaged children, or a small painted box turtle. I can tell you from experience that these are not things you want to do, for various legal and ethical reasons. But I know you probably won't listen to me, so go ahead. After you’ve gotten out of prison, come back and continue reading for a roundup of the best (worst) pickup line articles I could find.

Worthless Guide to Survival - Part 6: The Cold

ColdI know a lot about surviving in the cold, alright? I live somewhere called the Midwestern United States, ever you heard of it? Yeah, that's what I thought. Here's how the seasons work here (and why I know so much about the cold):

Winter (11 Months): It's true.  

Spring (15 Days) Temperatures rise to sightly above freezing. Snow turns to cold rain.

Worthless Guide to Pogs

Pogpile

A certain time in recent American history: Tommy jukes down a dim elementary school hallway wearing in a green Starter Jacket, the sullen bass intro of Ice Ice Baby burbling from a boombox on his shoulder. He passes a boy in a faded Voltron T-Shirt. The boy mutters under his breath and probes compulsively at the rubber basketball pump on the tongue of his scuffed white shoe.

Worthless Guide to Anime (Redux) - Part 1

Roof

“What is anime!?” Someone screams from a nearby rooftop, catching my attention as I pass by on the street. The wind whisks the words away before they reach my ears, forcing me to guess at his question. “7:36!” I shout back. Flustered, the man cups his hands to his mouth and tries again, “WHAT! IS! ANIME!” Unfortunately I do not hear this, as I have wandered into a nearby deli in order that I might purchase some pastrami.

Growing Old: A Guide for Fogies & Spinsters

Growing OldNobody ever asks an old man’s opinion. Probably because most people just don’t care what he thinks. “What can an old fool like that tell us about the world anyway?!” One of these people might shout to you over the wind as he grins and jerks the wheel of his convertible towards a raccoon in the road.

Frankly, if people like this would just take the time to learn about the elderly instead of deliberately running down helpless animals in the street, perhaps this world would be a better place. So, for the sake of education: Here is a Q&A in which I answer most (if not all) of the questions you might have about the elderly and growing old.
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