MONSTER GUIDES

Worthless Guide To Monsters: Medusas & Minotaurs

Medusa & Minotaur
A year or two ago, I finished up My Series of Monster Guides by posting a terrible article about the Jersey Devil I had carelessly dashed off in an afternoon. This has always bothered me. Surely this was no way to treat a mildly entertaining series of guides about monsters. There had to be another way. And then it dawned on me: There WAS another way. I could continue to write pointless and sort of crappy guides about various types of monsters! So that's what I did.

So I hope you'll join me for this look at Medusas and Minotaurs (part [?] of a [?] part series). Thank you and thank you.

Worthless Guide to Monsters: Jersey Devil

Jersey Devil!Most people reading this aren't going to have a clue what the Jersey Devil is. But that's why you're here, isn't it? You're here to learn. At least I hope you are. Because if you aren't, this eighteen cent grant the federal government gave me to research on the Jersey Devil is just going to waste.

It isn't easy to get these grants you know! Do you people realize how many FORMS I had to fill out for this? Four. And that's just the ones I made up. Actually it was all made up. Lies are my tool.

But hey, let's talk about the Jersey Devil now.

Worthless Guide to Monsters: Ghouls

GhoulWhat led me to write this article was a conversation I had about ghouls with a coworker the other day. I said, “Hey, what exactly IS a ghoul anyway.” He ignored me, turning a page in his book. “Is a ghoul the same thing as a ghost? Maybe it's more like a zombie. But I think ghouls are smaller, and I thought they had pointy ears...”

“Mmm.” My coworker said, without looking up.

“What about a gremlin?” I continued, “Maybe a ghoul is a type of gremlin. Oh! Or maybe it's a goblin! That sounds more like it. But hey, what's the difference between a gremlin and a goblin anyway? I don't think they're the same thing.” He still wasn't paying any attention, but it didn't matter. My mind was made up. “When I get home I'll look up ghouls on the internet.” I said.

So I did, and here's what I found out.

Worthless Guide to Monsters: Bigfoot

BigfootIt’s surprising how many people actually believe in Bigfoot. They believe that he exists, they believe actual recordings have been made of him, and many of them claim to have seen him snowboarding in the mountains or something.

And while the vast majority of these claims are likely just the insane ramblings of pie-eyed Catskill degenerates, I’m still going to write this article about Bigfoot. It isn’t often that the ideas of hill-folk are taken seriously, so I figured I might as well give them a shot. So now: Bigfoot.

Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 3 - Vampires

Vampire Slide
By Henry
For many children, the dream of feasting upon the blood of the living in order to attain immortality is never fully realized. Sure, sucking the blood from a fresh cut on an infant or relative might give a person a cheap thrill, but the joy it brings is hollow and fleeting. So even though you may never be able to be a vampire, that doesn’t stop you from learning something about them, does it? This article compiles the many minutes of research I have done on vampires into one easy-to-ignore page of utter idiocy.

Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 2: Mummies

Mummy
By Henry
Have you ever gotten a chill when walking by a pharaoh’s tomb? This is likely caused by the spirit of a mummy. Mummies are ancient creatures which have been around for hundreds of years. Thousands of people have been killed by them. A few have even been captured and are now on display in museums across the globe. I recommend that you go view one or two (at your peril of course). If you don’t feel like heading into some musty old museum though, just read this article. You might just learn a thing or two about mummies.

Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 1.5: Werewolf Q&A

Wolfy
By The Baron
Werewolves are intriguing creatures, and like most other monsters there is a lot of misinformation floating around about them. Luckily I have been asked to shed some light on the subject in this series of monster Q&As, beginning with werewolves (also see the werewolf guide HERE). They have also asked world renowned "monster expert" Art Crumb to co-author these articles with me. Frankly, I'm a bit offended by this, as I have had personal experiences and actually seen nearly every type of monster before (including werewolves). Some of my close friends even refer to me as "The Beastmaster". Impressive, no?

Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 1: Werewolves

Werewolf
By Henry
Fear. Fear is the one and only thing which separates humans from beasts and inanimate objects. But what does man fear most? You guessed it: Monsters. In this series of articles we’ll travel through the human brain and learn the history of the most popular monsters in the world, hear evidence of their existence, and learn how to defeat them in combat.
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