Advice Column: Cars Cars (Cars)

Cars fixedFrom time to time I like to use this website to help people out. What can I say, I'm a charitable person. Some people even call me "The Giver", believe it or not. One of the services I provide is this advice column. Unfortunately, hardly anyone reads this website, so I don’t get many emails.

It also probably doesn’t help that I never actually told anyone about this column, how it works, or how to participate. But no matter, I found a bunch of automotive questions on various internet forums and I’ll just answer those here instead.

Pickup Lines: Worst of The Worst (Part 1)

PickupDo pickup lines really work? This is a question I ask myself each morning as I rise for a day of toil in the fields. The only real way to gauge whether or not a pickup line “works” is to actually speak it, preferably to a human being of the opposite sex who is also not in your extended family.

I realize that some of you may think it's a good idea to try pickup lines out on elderly uncles, emotionally damaged children, or a small painted box turtle. I can tell you from experience that these are not things you want to do, for various legal and ethical reasons. But I know you probably won't listen to me, so go ahead. After you’ve gotten out of prison, come back and continue reading for a roundup of the best (worst) pickup line articles I could find.

Advice Column: Computer Trouble

Burnt ComputerI like to think of myself as a computer expert. Once, when I was helping my friend install a new CD-ROM drive I didn’t feel like waiting for it to reboot. I decided to install it while the computer was still running. I took out the old drive and slid the new one in.

Then I tried to connect the power cable, but I guess I inserted it at a bad angle, because there were sparks, the lights in the apartment dimmed, and the computer immediately shut down. Everything was fried and I had to get him all new parts. So yeah, I think I’m more than qualified to answer technical questions about computers.

Some Kid Answers Your Questions About Monkey Butlers

Monkey Butler By Bobby Age 12
This is a Q&A which is meant to answer all the questions a laymen might have about monkey butlers. I think it's pretty self explanatory from here.

And if you didn't read the main Monkey Butler article: You Had Better Check It Out.

Drug Diary 3: Mushrooms

Electronic DiaryOnce again, here it is: I got a friend of mine to agree to participate in a private and almost certainly fictional study. Once and a while he would ingest an illegal substance, attempt to spend a normal day at work, and record what happened. Then he would send the results to me.

Unfortunately, after this experiment with Psilocybin (Magic Mushrooms) he was found drowned in a small pond in a field. Here the results, which I recovered from his diary by breaking into his house and stealing it.

Sainted / Tainted 6: Roadrage & Fireworks

SaintedYeah yeah, I heard it all before. I don't think anybody wants to see another one of these articles. But I can't help it, I get tons of mail from people who just want to vent about their frustrations with the world.

What do you mean "you thought these articles were fake"? Frankly I'm offended. Do you really think I would waste my precious time writing this crap? It would take forever and nobody would even see it.

Advice Column: Relationship Trouble

Relationship I feel I have a lot of good advice to give, but usually nobody wants to hear it. Oftentimes I find myself reading newspaper advice columns and angrily shouting out the answers to the questions people have asked.

Usually the other patients get scared when I do this. Then the lady in the white dress says it's time for me to take my blue and white pills. Then I don't feel anything for a while and I watch some shows on the TV. In celebration of this, I will now answer a number of random relationship questions which were not posed to me in the first place.

Drug Diary 2: Heroin

So yeah, as I explained in the first article of this series, I got a friend of mine to agree to undertake a private and possibly fictional study. Every few days he would ingest a single illegal substance, head to work, and record what happened. Here the results of his experiment with Heroin which I recovered from his diary after he had died from a massive heroin overdose.

Review: Things I Have Punched


I think I have a real rage problem. When I get frustrated I tend to punch or throw products and equipment. Maybe deep down I really have a problem with my own consumerism or something, who knows.

Sainted / Tainted 4: Cellphones & Obesity


It doesn't take much to make a stranger's life better. It also doesn't take much to ruin it for a short time. I would recommend trying both to figure out which feels best for you. Who knows, you might just be featured in a future article of Santed & Tainted! Do you dare dream?

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