UNCLASSIFIABLE

Grobnar Review Things

GrobnarMan ask Grobnar to tell about things he find all around. Man say Grobnar talk about thing and tell how he use thing. Also he say Grobnar say if thing is good or bad. Grobnar no know why but man say he give Grobnar mammal meat if Grobnar do this.

So Grobnar think he help. Grobnar hungry. Grobnar not eat nothing in days. Well, Grobnar eat small bird, but that not fill Grobnar up. So Grobnar tell stories and get mammal meat. Grobnar mouth watering already.

Sainted/Tainted: Sobriety & Truckers

SaintedHelping one another is what keeps communities strong. If you happen to see your elderly neighbor struggling to carry a bag of groceries up her stairs you, obviously you're going to stop and help. There are a number of moral reasons for this, but since I can't think of any specific ones right now you'll just have to take my word for it. Wait, heres one: She might die soon and leave you her old 1992 Chevy Malibu. It might not seem like much, but I'd say it'd probably be worth about a grand if you wanted to sell it.

Animal Awards: Cats

Cat PirateI don’t even know what number in the Animal Awards series this article will be. Is it the 6th? 8th? It’s a mystery. But there are many more species to give worst-of awards to; I can’t stop to check now, so let’s just say this is the 9th in an infinite part series. In this one I’ll give out awards to the least accomplished cats in history, which should be interesting because cats never do anything at all.

Oh, and by the way: CATS!

Review: The Mall Of America Circa 2008

MallI’d estimate that 60% of stores in most malls are almost completely worthless. Footlocker? Not even close to being needed. The Original Mattress Factory? Total crap. Bath & Body Works? Please! What a joke. All of these places could disappear overnight and it wouldn’t make a bit of difference in anyone’s lives. In fact, the economy in the area would no doubt improve because people who had been spending thirty-eight dollars on a bottle of hotel shampoo in a fancy bottle would suddenly find themselves flush with cash. It’s economic stimulation.

DO YOU REMEMBER ARCADES THOSE WERE GREAT

Arcade GamesI have a rule that I don’t start an article with pointless, seminonsensical puns. For example, if I were writing about those games at arcades which give out tickets it might’ve been something like: “Sometimes making children feel like winners is ‘Just the Ticket’ for someone who wants to succeed in the arcade business!” or “Sometimes a visit to the local arcade is like being in a ‘Ticket Tape Parade’, you never quite know what'll come up!”

But I won’t do that. Instead, I think I'll just write whatever random crap comes into my head, and when it seems to have gotten too long, I'll stop abruptly. Yeah. That's what I'll do.

Walker: Texas Ranger - Oh Beauteous Dissonance





"There exist moments in time in which we must pause and allow the sweet breath of life wash over us.
Each day; every precious second; on this tilting sphere is a gift from the Great Iron Gods.
Let us take great heaving gulps of the sea;
 let us be alive."

-Socrates

Animal Awards: Dinosaurs

Dinosaurs Dinosaurs count as animals, don’t they? I’m fairly sure they do. Well, it doesn’t really matter because I’m just about to call out the worst of them. Animals or not, some dinosaurs are about to be pissed off. I don’t even care either; I’m tough. I tell it like it is, and if some random plesiosaur doesn’t like it, he can try to email me about it. I’d love to see him try too, with those fins of his.

These are the kind of high-end insults against dinosaurs you can expect to hear in this article, and there’s plenty more where that came from, pal. Intrigued? I thought so.  

HAKQED!

Uh, I guess someone went ahead and hacked this site a little while ago. Honestly I don't understand it. Who the hell is going out of their way to deface a piece of crap site like this?

You replaced the entire site with some text that said "Hacked by someone (sorry, forgot the name you used)". Frankly, this was probably an improvement.

Animal Awards: Pigs

Pig FattyAlright, let’s be completely honest here: This is no longer a series dedicated to recognizing the achievements of animals. This is not by design; it’s just the way it happened to play out. See, animals (even fictional ones) almost never do anything worthwhile.

What’s the point of commending the best of the worst? There isn’t one. So from now on, I’m using this space as a platform for rants against lazy animals I hate. And few animals are as worthless as the pig, so I’d better get started on them.

Sainted/Tainted: Heart Attacks & Ren Fest

SaintedWhat would the world be like if we only did good things for others? Would it be a better place to live? These are the questions I often ask myself as I callously brush past a homeless person on the street or gleefully cut someone off in heavy traffic. I never seem to get an answer though. It must be that I don’t care. Anyway, being kind to others seems like it would be a lot of work.

Today’s Sainted/Tainted features annoying ringtones, poorly-made cookies, heart attacks, and the Renaissance Festival.  
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