UNCLASSIFIABLE

Weird News & Links (Week of 10.25.09)

News
This week's news roundup is dedicated to the fall holiday which most closely coincides with the date I am posting it. I will not say what this holiday is (to do so would be a blatant and desperate ploy for increased incidental readership), but it's a pretty decent one based on the idea of kids eating a bunch of garbage they got for free by begging while dressed like idiots. I respect this holiday so much in fact, that I've decided to post only news stories relating to it this week in celebration of it.
 
Well, either that, or I''ll put in a bunch of unrelated crap somewhat related to Christianity. (Also I have permanently changed the title of this series to "Weird News" because I kept forgetting how to spell "Bizarre" and it is harder to type.)

Here are Photos of Black People & Asians

Black Captain America
I just realized I don't have many pictures of black people or asians on this website. I apologize for this, but you have to understand that the internet's dumb/weird photo database is way skewed towards whiteys. But whatever, no big deal. Here are a bunch of  black and asian people.

Bizarre News & Links (Week Of 10.11.09)

Broken News
We now live in the future. And oh what a terrifying future it is. Each day, wretched fearful shells of what were once men file like like drones into colonies of steel and glass to perform menial tasks for petty men with shriveled black hearts. Screaming beasts hurtle terrified passengers through the clouds, fueled by naught but fumes and flame. And small children gad through rubbish-heaped streets in the regalia of vagabonds and harlots. Such things are not godly, and should be expunged from the public consciousness.In service of this, I offer to you this tincture of news and information; a smorgasbord of wondrous stories, intriguing premises, and other ephemera from across the mechanosphere. I certainly hope that you

It's The 12th Annual Most Insane Jerry Springer Episode Title Awards!

Jerry Springer
What follows is a list of ridiculous and puzzling titles given to various Episodes of The Jerry Springer Show. NOTICE: I do not watch (nor do I advocate the watching of) Jerry Springer. I only feel that it is my duty as an American Citizen to create lists of television show titles as a sort of preservatorial archive in order to assure that that they are available to future generations of people who might want to disinterestedly peruse a list of mildly entertaining Jerry Springer show titles.
 
No thanks is necessary. Helping others is reward enough for me.
 

I Am Hypochondriac

Sadness PillsHypochondriacs are people who worry excessively about contracting an illness. Upon experiencing the slightest physical discomfort, they will often overreact, becoming absolutely convinced that they have some kind of serious disease. I am one of these people. For example, If I were to get an abnormally bad headache, I would not think "Man, this headache is worse than usual!" I would think "This headache is caused by a monstrous brain tumor. I will die in 3 weeks." and immediately begin hyperventilating while scrawling out a makeshift will on a restaurant napkin.

Bizarre News & Links (Week of 08.23.09)

Bill J
Many things can happen in a week. So many news stories come out. Who has the time to read them? Nobody that's who. It'd be too hard to keep track of them all. Luckily you have me. Every week I find all the best news stories and then put them here for all to see. You are lucky to have found this.

There. I Designed a Better American Flag.

ComputerThe design of the American flag needs a reboot, and I'm just the one to do it. What are my qualifications you ask? Well: I live in America, I pay most of the taxes I'm supposed to, and although I don't vote, I appreciate the sentiment behind it.
 
See, since I CRITICIZED THE DESIGN of the flag without offering any alternatives. That isn't right. So I feel it'd be nice of me to come up with a flag which I feel better embodies the spirit of this country as it exists today.
 
There's no need to thank me; being of service to my country is all the thanks I need.


My Country and United State Are Much The Same!!

Gun Show SouthernHello my friend and how are you today! My name is Bazul Najjar and I am from the great nation of United Arab Emerate! What am I here to talk about today you are ask! Well I am glad you have asked this! I have the answer! I am here because I have got man electronic mails from citizen of United State saying things I don't understand.

From place like Arkansas, from place like North Carolina, from place like Alabamas. Many letters. These things I will not repeat but they are not nice. These things mostly come from the south (bottoms) part of United State and have problem with my people.  
 
But wait! I am here today to tell you that you people in bottom United State and us in United Arab Emerate are not so different at all! We have many similars to you and could be brothers. I will tell you the truth about why we are the same, so please to listen....

Idiots! Stop Wasting Your Money On Homeopathy!

HomeopathyOh my god. What is wrong with you people? Why on earth are you purchasing all those homeopathic remedies? Stop wasting your money on homeopathy! It’s really starting to get on my nerves!

 
Hey! I saw you sneaking those homeopathic remedies in next to the real pills; don't think I didn’t notice that! That doesn’t BELONG there. That isn’t MEDICINE. Get rid of it! Put it in the zen health food store, or the yoga foundry, or the new-age bakery, or wherever it is you people go these days. Maybe Whole foods. Yeah. Take that shit out behind a Whole Foods and dump it. I want the alley behind that store to look like the Salvation Army! And the next time I'm in a pharmacy I had better not see anymore bottles of Zicam next to the NasalCrom. If I do, I’m going to go ape. I mean it. I will tear that store apart. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got an article about homeopathy to write poorly.

The American Flag Sucks

Flag CrapI am getting really tired of seeing the American flag. There are too many of them around. I don't even understand the point of it. We all know where we live. Everyone around here does. I bet a lot of people are probably getting tired of seeing it.
 
It's like when a celebrity appears in too many movies consecutively and everyone starts to hate them. It doesn't matter how great they are, or whether the movies were any good, after a while you just don't want to see or hear anything else about them ever again. That's kind of how I feel about the American flag right about now. I guess the American flag has become my Will Ferrel. But hey, let's get a little more in-depth about why the flag blows.
Syndicate content




What Now?