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Stupid Customer Complaints: Final Round

Even More Stupid Customer Complaints
Listen up: I sorted through a bunch more of the ridiculous and absurd customer complaints over at Complaintsboard and have compiled the most interesting ones here for your perusal.

Alright let's go!

Google Autocomplete Answers 9 Important Questions

Google Autocomplete Answers Life's Important Questions
Google's autocomplete feature is a tool I often use when I want to get an idea of the general public's feeling or thoughts on a particularly hard-to-research subject. Well maybe not often. More like never. Still it's a fun way to see what the all the idiots in the world are up to.

So here are 9 of the most interesting/disturbing/weird/stupid autocomplete results which have shaken my faith in much of humanity.

Stupid Customers Complain About Food

Stupid Customers Complain About Food - Fat Cop
DEAR SIRS OF MAAM I PURCHASED ONE BK'S BROILER ALSO ONE BOX OF FRIES AT BUGRER KING AND AS I HAVE ASBURGERS I CANT HAVE SALT ON FRIES I ASKED THE YOUNG WOMAN (BLACK!!) TO GIVE ME NO SALT SHE WAS RUDDE TO ME ALSO GAVE ME SALT AND I HAD NOT ONE BUT THREE GRAND MAUL SEZUIRS DUE TO THIS WITCH IS UNNACEPATABLE. HAREV IT YOUR WAY I THINK NOT!!!!!!!!


Even More Complaints From Stupid Customers

Customer Complaints - Kid Simmons
What do you want from me, it isn't my fault that I find customer complaints inordinately hilarious. I blame bad genes.

Here are some more pointless complaints from customers which I have pointlessly posted because I am dumb.

Math Sucks

 Math Sucks
As a Doctor of Math, I often have to deal with a lot of the misinformation that floats around about math. Whenever I hear a child (or even an adult) make a claim like "Math is boring" or "It's pointless to learn math" I just have to cringe. I then also have to take the time out of my busy schedule to set the misinformed wretch straight, which I also do not appreciate. But what else am I to do? Am I to allow the good name of mathematics to be casually shat upon without lifting a finger? Certainly not.
 
So, to set the record straight once and for all, I recently invited members of the public to send me any pressing questions or concerns they had about math. This way I could publish the most common questions (along with my answers), and in doing so ensure that the absolute beauty (and usefulness!) of mathematics could be revealed to as many people as possible.
 
So, without further ado: Math!

More Cryptic & Beautiful Poetry From Spam Emails

Spam Gun
As I said in my First Spam Poetry Article, spam emails just aren't fooling anyone anymore. But that doesn't stop them from trying. Well maybe trying isn't the right word. Let's just say that it isn't stopping them from "continuing to send out easily ignored emails which are seemingly just a randomly generated series of sentences punctuated by gibberish". Not that I'm complaining or anything. I love them.

So in honor (honour) of my torrid love affair with email spam, here are a few more lovely poems I've received from the spambots.

The Cryptic & Beautiful Poetry Of Spam Emails

Ocean 2
Let's be honest here: A person usually has to be pretty dense to be fooled by a spam email these days. I mean seriously, they really aren't even trying anymore. You can usually tell a spam email by its subject line, which is almost always something about discount pills, penis size, or some half-assed generic and obviously fabricated message like "Some photos of the cute kids..." or "Having a great time on our family vacation!".

Lately though, I've come across a new and fascinating type of spam. It seems that in a desperate (and failed) attempt to bypass filters, some spammers seem to have resorted to copying random lines of text from different pieces of literature or poems and combining them to form emails. And although this system does strike me as a tremendous waste of everyone's time and effort, I do enjoy the hilariously strange poems which were unintentionally created as a result of it.

Here are some of my favorites:

The Insane Maury Povich Episode Title Awards

Maury
For the third (and final) entry in my hard-hitting fictional awarding of honors to the titles of various daytime television shows I decided to take a look at Maury, which is a talk show which "is often accused by critics of exploiting dysfunctional families, minorities, and the poor, and for embracing and sensationalizing some of the worst stereotypes of American society and behavior [and] some critics denounce it as being even worse than other similar talk shows such as The Jerry Springer Show, due to what is perceived as an insincere sympathy for the guests and using their serious problems for the entertainment and humor of the viewing audience."
 
So while I'm sure a show of this caliber is sure to have garnered many prestigious awards already, I might as well heap a few more onto the pile. My feeling has always been that you can't overpraise good work.
 

I Certainly Hope Yoplait Responds to The Complaint Letter I Just Sent

Yogurt Bullet
This is the last straw. Last night I couldn't get all of the yogurt I was eating out of the bottom of the container so I reached in with my finger to scoop some out and I cut myself a little bit on the rim. There's only a certain amount of injustice a man (or me) can be subjected to before he snaps. And I've reached that point. By God, I've reached it.

So I'm sending a message to the Fat Cats over at Yoplait corporate expressing my deepest feelings and most intimate of desires with regards to the future of my relationship with their yogurt products. Something has to change. They had better provide adequate explanation about what is being done to address my concerns. If they don't, there is going to be hell to pay.

It's The 78th Annual Shameful Ricki Lake Show Title Awards!

Ricki Lake
Welcome to the second installment of the 78th Annual "I Give Awards to Shitty Daytime Talk Show" Awards. The wonderful program I have singled out for praise this time around is Ricki Lake. If you are unfamiliar with the show you can find everything you need to know about it here, but this really isn't necessary. After looking over this list you'll likely have a better understanding of what the show was all about than most of the web-footed inbreds who watched it.
 
The most interesting I found while browsing through lists of episodes is that the writers over at Ricky must've had something of an "Let's all take 10 grams of Mushrooms and make pretend like we're R. Kelly" mindset when it came to naming their shows. Which is to say: They really enjoyed coming up with weird-ass urban limerick excerpts and clumsy sexualized half-puns. So consider this fair warning that list contains plenty of things like "Cut All the Drama. You Aint Nuthin but a Fat Hoochie Momma" and "Your Nasty Addiction Will Make Me Your Ex... Today You Choose Me or Cybersex".
 
Ugh.

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