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Southern Stereotype Graduation Itinerary


Where - Captured Injun Memorial Arena

Day - When Schoolins done

When - 5 Hours Afore the Witchin Hour

TIME:

Git yerselves to the arena on time.

DRESS:

Boys – Boys should wear their
finest overalls and straw hats. They should be on their best behavior,
but ah guess boys will be boys.  

Girls – Wear your Sunday best. Sun dresses, and bonnets and whatnot. There aint nothing so fine as a young girl all gussied up.

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LINE UP:

  1. Stand
    yerselves in a line outside the arena. Yall should be in an orderly
    fashion according to your second name (not yer Christian name). A comes
    first, and then all t’others in order.

  2. I know it might
    be hard for yall boys, but keep yerselves quiet out there. If’n I hear
    a lot of fuss’n and fight’n out there, I don’t reckon I know what I’ll
    do. But yall ain’t gonna like it, that’s fersure.

  3. All
    you womenfolk should carry a flower. If’n you can’t get a flower, go
    out into them fields over yonder and pick one a them daisies. If’n
    anyone gives you trouble about it, yall just tell em old Pastor Billy
    says it’s just alright, and they can take it up with me.
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  4. When
    the times right, yall are gonna mosey on into the arena in a straight a
    line as ye can muster. Now don’t get to hootin and hollerin or nuthin,
    jes walk all quiet-like as if yall was in the housa God.  

  5. Take
    yer seats and keep silent. Now I’ll say one thing: If I ketch anyya you
    boys tryin on any funny business, yall are gonna get a lickin, as sure
    as God made green apples. Leave them frogs at home, this specially
    means you Gordy Finkman, I knows you love them frogs something feirce,
    but leave em home fer today.

  6. Some adults are gonna go
    about speechin and talking for a time, and Ima gonna be one of them.
    Just set there quiet-like and don’t get to squirmin or pullin at your
    shirt collars. Listen up good and yall might even learn somethin fer
    once in your lives.
  7. After all the speechin is
    over and done, Ima gonna recite the Good Lord’s prayer to yall and say:
    “And now yall’s gradimated!” And I’ll be gol derned if’n about that
    time the whole place don’t get to yippin and hollerin somethin fierce.
    Don’t yall have no fear though, you jes join right in with em. Boys,
    yall throw your straw hats in the air and do a hand-slappin jig. Girls,
    give a p’lite bow and a courtesy an let the golden curls of yer hair
    shine in the wanin moonlight. Mah mah mah, you girls does look mighty fine.

  8. We
    all partake in the festivities. Remus Okel brung out some jugs from
    down outta his steyall. Now ah spose yall isn’t old enough to be drinkin, but I think ol deputy
    Withers’ll turn that ol head of his the other way on an occasion such
    as this is. Shoot. I’ll be gawdammed if that lawman don’t take a sniff
    or two himself from time to time, on-duty or off. It ain’t gonna harm
    nothin to let you young’ns get pie-eyed.

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OTHER NOTES:

  • Any
    of yew boys who aint got no ma and pa (or if’n they git to drinkin)
    should come over to my place before this whole thing sets off. I’ll set
    to gettin yall gussied up real nice fer the festivities.
  • If yall
    want to pick up yer diplomas (that’s the paper yall get for gradimatin)
    yall jes come down and see me in a day or so. I don’t think most of
    yall have much use for em nohow, but if ye wants em, that’s where I got
    em.
  • I jes want to also state that I am very proud of each’d
    every one of yall. I know most of ye aint got much use for all this
    book-learnin, but ye stuck it out and now yall come on through to the
    other side. Now let's dance! Put y'hands together for C.B. Jones and his Confederated Ragtime Band! 
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YEEEHOOOOO!