Envelope, Naturally

To whom it may concern,
I know letters like this are a dime a dozen, but I hope you’ll hear me
out, because I've got an axe to grind, and I'm afraid I can't just let
sleeping dogs lie. I know what you're thinking: My advice is about as
welcome as a skunk at a lawn party. If it's not one thing, it's
another! But make no bones about it, there's a method to my madness,
and once the cat is out of the bag, you'll be thanking your lucky stars
that I got down to brass tacks instead of fudging and mudging like a
lost dog in high weeds. So let's run this up the flagpole and see who
salutes it.

First-off: Rome wasn't built in a day. And I think you'll agree that if
we're going to make this partnership successful, we'll have to ensure
we're both on the same page.  Passing the buck is simply not
an option at this point in time, so I strongly suggest we take that
option off the table and wipe the slate clean. Because if we don't,
mark my words: We'll be back to square one in a New York minute and we
won't have two nickels to rub together. Don't forget that one bad apple
spoils the whole barrel. You can take that to the bank.

To make a long story short: We can gab about this 'till the cows come
home, but at the end of the day, it takes two to tango. See, a little
bird told me that you've got the skills to pay the bills, so if you're
game, I’m game. In fact, I’m more than game. I'm firing on all
cylinders. I'm shootin' for the moon. I’m flash as a rat with a gold
tooth, and ready to do the dutch. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am. You feel

I mean, sure, I may not be playing with a full deck, but that's no
reason to throw the baby out with the bathwater. I was in this business
back when your father was a gleam in your granpappy’s eye, and if you
ask me, we’ve already got one paw on the chicken coop here. Provided we
get our ducks in a row, pound a little pavement, and refrain from
pissing on our own legs while telling ourselves it is raining, we’ll be
happier than a pack of blind coon hounds at a rodeo. Shit, even a blind
squirrel finds an acorn every now and again (if you catch my drift).

It’s like the old saying goes: Red sky in the morning, sailor's
warning; red sky at night, sailor's delight, and a house divided
against itself cannot stand. I say it's high time we stop resting on
our laurels, tighten our belts, rattle some cages, and take this cotton
pickin' world by storm!

Please let me know what you think ASAP. Goodnight, sleep tight. Don't
let the bedbugs bite.
Elvis has left the building!