It's no secret that I'm a something of a "lady's man". Any time I leave
the house, an all-female sex riot never fails to break-out. Elderly
women whip flashdrives filled with homemade pornography at me from
passing senior citizen mobility buses, and young girls fling themselves
nude and shrieking from suspension bridges and balconies in the hopes
of attracting just a moment of my attention.
Frankly, most of the time all I
need to do is raise my thumb and aim my index finger at a woman as if
I'm preparing to fire an imaginary flintlock pistol, and a woman'll have
torn her clothes off and tackled me before I am even able to pretend to
pull the imaginary trigger, causing the imaginary flint to strike the
imaginary frizzen and ignite the imaginary gunpowder and
propelling an imaginary lovebullet into her heart (causing her to fall
deeply in love with me).
Of course this is not always
the case. On occasion, I do come across women who (for
whatever reason: blindness, foolishness, lesbianism) don't immediately
realize how utterly captivating I am. Women like these always require a
bit of convincing before they'll begin demanding sex from me.
Fortunately, this process is not overly complex or difficult, provided
you know all the right things to say (which of course, I do). And
Double-Fortunately, I'm more than happy to share some of these "right
things" (great pickup lines) with you.
And please, there's no need to thank me. I don't perform public
services like these for accolades. A good deed is its own reward.
"Girl, you're so fine that if you were the
teeth of a comb, I would easily be able to use said comb to remove
macroscopic parasites such as nits or fleas from hair."
"I couldn’t help but notice you’re looking a little under the weather
today. Lucky for you, it just so happens that I’m a registered
dietitian who makes his living sitting on benches at city bus stations
and diagnosing the ailments of various attractive women from afar
without their knowledge or consent and subsequently approaching them
with free medical advice. In any event, my examination of you reveals
that you’re currently afflicted with a severe case of me deficiency. My
recommendation is several doses of me,
administered internally, over the next 3-6 hours."
(Opening your wallet)
"Alright, how much for the full deal?"
(Examining her calves) "You
look like fine stock...Thoroughbred?"
untying belt of trenchcoat) "No! Wait! Come back!"
“Pardon me miss, but I couldn't help but notice that you were just
about to enter that dimly-lit parking structure." (Grab her arm) "I'm
going to have to insist that I accompany you to your car. Statistics
show that a woman is 64% more likely to be brutalized if she is
traveling alone." (Tighten
your grip to reassure her) "You're coming with me, and I
won't take no for an answer!”
THE SMOOTH OPERATOR
(Stop her and take out a
pocket notebook) “Could you hold on for just a second? I
just need to add you to my ‘to do’ list.”
(A woman passes you on
the street) "Somebody stop her! That girl just stole my
THE HOT SHOT
"Baby, you must be a traffic cone on a motorcycle
stunt driving course, because whenever I look at you, all I can think
of is getting my swerve
THE ARCHAEOLOGICAL ANTHROPOLOGIST
“Girl, you want to know what you have in-common with the Mammoth Tusk
dwellings which were built in the mid-to-late Pleistocene Era by
Paleolithic hunter-gatherers? When I saw you my first thought was,
“Excellent bone structure.”