Sainted/Tainted: Heart Attacks & Ren Fest

SaintedWhat would the world be like if we only did good things for others? Would it be a better place to live? These are the questions I often ask myself as I callously brush past a homeless person on the street or gleefully cut someone off in heavy traffic. I never seem to get an answer though. It must be that I don’t care. Anyway, being kind to others seems like it would be a lot of work.

Today’s Sainted/Tainted features annoying ringtones, poorly-made cookies, heart attacks, and the Renaissance Festival.  


BananaThe teens who stole my son’s backpack from him at the bus stop yesterday morning. The bag contained a birthday present from his mother, a “Banana Phone” cell phone which played that insipid song each time a button on it was pressed. Thank god you stole it. It was enough to drive a man mad I tell you, MAD!

It would only have been a matter of time until I snapped. Eventually they would have come. They would have broken down the door and found the boy lying there, cold and grey and still. And the others too, they would join him. Join him in his blissful, peaceful sleep. Free from tears. Free from the pain the world so expertly rains down upon quiet children. That phone was his window to the world; a gateway to living hell. And now that portal has been sealed. Hopefully forever. Godspeed.
- R. Jameson


Kids CookiesThe little kids who brought me a plate of so-called “chocolate chip cookies” the other day. First of all, I’m an old woman. I’m on a very fixed diet. The doctor says I can’t be eating sweets.

Secondly, I was sick with the flu. What kind of a thing is that to do, bringing a sick person cookies? Haven’t you young ladies ever heard of chicken soup? I ate one of the cookies (out politeness) and it made me sick to my stomach. You girls have no concern for your elders.

Finally, you put far too many chips in the cookies. A standard classic chip cookie should have AT MOST five or six chips in it. Some of yours had upwards of FIFTEEN! Are you girls insane?! I didn’t have diabetes before, but after eating one of your cookies I’m not so sure anymore.
-Edna Krause


CollapseThe man who clutched his chest and collapsed in the entry way of the Park Heights Wendy’s last Saturday. My kids thought you were just hilarious. Thanks for the smiles.
- Pleasantly Surprised Dad


FestivalYou “actors” from the Renaissance Festival who visited my father (a cancer patient) at our home. He is a very sick man and is no longer able to attend the festival, so you guys decided to come and pay him a visit. Bad idea. First of all, his condition has worsened a great deal recently, and so he is on a number of high-end painkillers. Because of this (and because of the cancer), his mind is in a very fragile state. He is in no condition to be dealing with a bunch of community theater rejects who refuse to bathe and speak in fake British accents.

You do realize of course that not everyone was BRITISH during the renaissance, don’t you? They weren’t even consistent accents either. Most of you sounded like chimney sweeps, a few of you were doing Newsies voices, and I think one of you (the fat one) was even doing material from Monty Python sketches. It was beyond belief. After you left, my father told me he was finally ready to die. Frankly, I was too.
- Troubled Caregiver