Image removed.

It may surprise you to learn that most of the anonymous "electronic
mails" I receive through this site's Contact Form are not
hateful in nature. I think there are probably two reasons for this. The
first is that hardly anyone actually reads what I have written. This is
entirely understandable. The second is that those who dislike what I do
would rather die than expend even one more metric unit of energy
thinking about (or composing hatemail regarding) Whichever
Garbage Article
they were unfortunate enough to have just
wasted several minutes of their precious life skimming. This, too, is
entirely understandable.

But I will say that what my inbox lacks in hate-based mail, it
more than makes up for in Inexplicable & Vaguely Troubling mail. I
sure do get a lot of that. Well, maybe slightly more than "a lot":
Approximately 96% of the email I receive is inexplicable & vaguely
troubling. And while it's possible that this is simply another,
significantly less effectual form of hatemail (i.e. "I'm gonna teach
this jackass a lesson by sending him an insane email!), I really don't
think this is the case. Far more likely is these people are either
elderly and confused, blasted out of their minds on designer narcotics,
simply psychotic, or possibly even all three.

Either way, get a real kick out of responding to Inexplicable &
Vaguely Troubling emails, so I guess everybody wins. Well, everyone
except the people who decide to read this. But if they do that, they've
really got no one but themselves to blame.

Some people never learn.

GHASTLY HARASSMENT

Heard my name being called 3 times awoke out of sleep .
Got
up to
look out windows and doors no one there . Did not reconize the voice
but, saw 2 shadows in the distance they disapeared. What does this mean?

- Jamie

Thanks for writing in, Jamie. Incidents like these are more common than
you may think. They are usually caused by one of three things:

  1. The onset of schizophrenia
  2. A carbon monoxide leak in the home (See Here)
  3. Ingestion Of Psychedelics (Psilocybin, LSD, etc)

If it turns out to be one of the first two, I'm afraid there's very
little you can do except learn to deal with the symptoms. Well, I guess
technically you could do something about a carbon monoxide
leak, but why bother? Carbon monoxide is a naturally occurring
substance which comes from the earth, and as proponents of all-natural
food and medicine will tell you: Natural = Harmless.

So breathe easy friend, and remember, if at any point the dizziness,
nausea, and terrifying visions of chittering eldritch spacebeings
threaten to overcome you, try filling your oral cavity with damp rags
or unleavened bread. I'm not sure why that would help, but at this
point, it really can't hurt to try.

As for the drugs, don't rule them out simply because you haven't taken
them yourself. It is possible (probable even) that you have been dosed
with one of these substances without your knowledge. In most instances,
you will have been secretly jabbed with an umbrella (the tip of which
has been coated with the psychotropic substance) in a crowded
discoteque or bread line, but this is not always the case.

Alternatively, it may also be that your city's water supply has been
spiked with psychotropics by your state or local government. Either
way, the most important thing you can do right now is find out if you
are in the thrall of one of these substances.

Tell me this: Upon rising from chair, are you able to maintain your
footing, or do you immediately collapse into a thick, fleshy puddle
upon hearing the screams and maniacal laughter of your ancestors while
experiencing a full-body orgasm and an indescribably beautiful
explosion of tastecolor before seeping through the seams in your
linoleum floor?

If so: Neat.

THE FETISHIST

i get turned on when i see women use there bra cup as a
pocket.  usually money --change purse-- walett--credit
card--room  key  even one time i seen a woman put a camers in
her bra cup and was wearing a tight fitting tank top.  the outline
of her camera-  cell phone--and change purse was unmistakable. it
didnt seem to bother her one bit as she rode the bus with us.i wonder
how many women know this is a sexual turnon and are there other men
that enjoy the same thing as myself. i also had a school teacher carry
her wallet directly inside her bra cup.  again it didnt bither her
one bit.

- Mitch

I should probably point out that I simply received this message out of
thin air. Admittedly I did post Two
Articles
on fetishes, but at no point did I request that random strangers email
me with hastily composed emails about their puzzling fetishes. That
being said, I think this email is fantastic, and I am hereby officially
requesting that random strangers send me hastily composed emails about
their puzzling fetishes.

In fact, I'm so happy with this email, that I'm not even going to try
to craft a smart-ass response to it. Honestly, there's really nothing I
could add that would make it more entertaining than it already is.

So well done, you.

FREE GLOVE SAMPLES

Dear Sir,
We wish to inform you that we are manufacturing best quality Gloves We
want to send you samples. Please as for samples. We need your
permission only. Please allow us. Thanks

-Harod

 


Hey Harod, thanks very much for the offer. I would definitely
appreciate a pallet or two of those gloves if you can spare them.
Regardless of what type of glove they may be, I shall make use of them.
Here is a short list of styles I am looking for (ranked most to least
desirable):

  • 300 Pair Lambskin Driving Gloves (Women's Sized 8.5-10)
  • 160 Pair Chemical Resistant Nitrile Exam Gloves (Minimum .05 mm
    Thickness & 14 MPa Tensile Strength)
  • Twelve Low-End Oven Mitts
  • Sixteen Pair Medieval Gauntlets (Iron Or Steel, Preferably Of
    Spanish Make)
  • 80 Pair Fingerless Cloth "Homeless Guy" Gloves
  • 80 Pair Russian Cosmonaut Gloves (C. 1986)
  • 6-8 Sets Of Those Giant Foam Incredible Hulk Hands That When You
    Hit Them Together They Make Smashing Sounds
  • Four Pair Norwegian Eagle & Red Tail Falconry Gloves
  • 40 Pair Peccary Dress Gloves
  • A Single Yarn Mitten (Red)

 

BLUEBERRY MUSINGS

The blueberries in the blueberry yogurt taste like paper.

- John

Alright then.

GROIN TACTICS

Hi, like Your
Guide About Fighting Dirty
but have a couple of questions about
the groin tactics (Groin Twisting/Ripping/Tearing).

  1. For twisting the testicles you mentioned 180 degrees
    counterclockwise, is the direction a factor? I read in some books where
    it is mentioned the testicle twist but no direction or the amount. Like
    to learn the tactics in detail and your info is great.
  2. As for twisting, you mentioned 360 degrees in any direction,
    in this case direction of rotation is not critical, Am I right? But I
    do not seem to be able to twist my wrist more than 320 degrees, so if
    one direction is more effective, please let me know. I need all the
    help I can get.
  3. One more thing, can the ripping technique rip the testicles
    off completely? [I] thought the organs can be stretched as they are
    connected by cords in the scrotum and not easily to tear off.
  4. One last question, about biting the penis, is there any part
    that is more sensitive, thereby more effective when it is flaccid and
    stimulated (erect, very effective in a rape attempt).

By learning and understanding the techniques in detail, they can
be
very effective indeed Great to know these tactics as it will be
unexpected and thereby unprotected against and can be attacked by
surprise.

I guess in a place of violence, we do need to learn to fight dirty as
and when necessary. Having knowledge of these brutal techniques may be
our only hope to survive a violent attack. I would say you are doing us
a service and a big thank you.

Hope to hear from you soon and have a nice day.

Regards,

-Mickey

Here are the answers you have requested, my friend:

  1. Don't believe everything you read. Testicular twisting must ONLY
    BE PERFORMED IN A COUNTERCLOCKWISE FASHION. I cannot stress this
    enough. The reasons for this are trade secrets and cannot be revealed
    to outsiders such as yourself.

    You're certainly free to grab some guy's junk and haphazardly rotate it
    180 degrees clockwise if you wish to do so, but I would strongly
    caution against it. Ignore this advice at your peril.

  2. Being unable to rotate your wrist more than 320 degrees is
    normal. Those who plan on performing a full 360 degree testicular rip
    should be prepared to perform a cartwheel or sideways roll in mid-rip
    to compensate for this.
  3. If properly performed, the ripping technique will almost
    certainly rip the testicles off an assailant. If it did not, there
    would be little point in undertaking it, as its sole purpose is to
    instill horror in fear in those who would oppose you.

    And yes, occasionally you will come across a pair which are attached to
    the body by a particularly thick and ropey bit of flesh. In cases like
    these, you will need to follow-up with an extra move to facilitate full
    detachment. Many of my students choose to gnaw through the remaining
    tissue with their teeth, while others simply "karate chop" at it until
    detachment is achieved. It's really up to the individual to find the
    method they're most comfortable with.

  4. The penis is an extraordinarily sensitive organ, so I really
    don't think location matters much when it comes to biting portions of
    it off in a gruesome act of self-defense.

    It's important not to overthink this. Just remember to open as wide as
    possible and get as much as you can in a single mouthful. Agonizing
    about orientation and positioning is a great way to get yourself killed.

Well, that's all the emails time we have for today. If you (or someone
you know) has got any important/nonsensical questions "what needs
answering", I encourage you to Contact Me. I am always
happy to help those in need.

The names of all senders in the preceding emails have been changed in
the name of privacy.

Godspeed.