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Psychics Are Real! Why Doesn’t Anyone Believe Me…

The
5 senses: Touch, taste, fear, smell, and eyes. One would think that
these were enough, but surprisingly, there are those who claim that
there is also a sixth sense,  psychic
ability. I am
here to tell you today that not only does the sixth, but I possess it.
I can read your thoughts. Observe: You want
to know how to become a psychic, and so I will tell you. I also see
that your star sign is Virgo or Aries and that you are in your mid
20’s, male,
and slightly overweight. When you are murdered your body will be found
in a wooded area, near a body of water. Cool huh? And now here is a
list of all the psychic powers.

The
5 senses: Touch, taste, fear, smell, and eyes. One would think that
these were enough, but surprisingly, there are those who claim that
there is also a sixth sense,  psychic
ability. I am
here to tell you today that not only does the sixth, but I possess it.
I can read your thoughts. Observe: You want
to know how to become a psychic, and so I will tell you. I also see
that your star sign is Virgo or Aries and that you are in your mid
20’s, male,
and slightly overweight. When you are murdered your body will be found
in a wooded area, near a body of water. Cool huh? And now here is a
list of all the psychic powers.

Telepathy

Telepathy

This
is the ability to read people’s thoughts. A telepathist can’t control
minds or create new thoughts, they can only read them.

Think of your
mind as a newspaper in the library. The telepathist can turn the pages
and read today’s stories, but he can’t take your brain home or take
pages out because of those stupid wooden blocks they attach to the
pages. Sometimes they are laminated too, so good luck doing the junior
jumble unless you want to copy it onto a separate sheet.

Pet Telepathy

Pet Telepathy

There
is no such thing as pet telepathy. Anyone who claims to be a pet
psychic is a fraud and a huckster. Anyway, if you want to know what your cat is
thinking I can easily tell you. Here are a cat’s thoughts organized by
the percentage of time it will be thinking them:

  • 2% “I am going to eat this food”
  • 2% “I am going to go to the bathroom in this sand and bury it”
  • 6% “I am going to scratch these prized possessions”
  • 5% “I’ll wander around meowing for no reason!”
  • 5% “HEECCCHHHKK! HEECCCHHHKK!” (sick on the rug)
  • 80% “Zzzzz…”

Necromancy

Necromancy
This
power has been glamorized in the media. Necromancers are not able to
raise or command the dead; this is just ridiculous! But what they can
do is speak with the dead and get their side of the story or their
opinions about hot-buttons issues such as abortion or the death
penalty.

Imagine having a conversation with an aborted fetus or a
lethally-injected child murderer about the very issued that affect(ed)
them. Yes, that most certainly would be a conversation which would take place.

Seeing

Seer
No, not the kind you do with your eyes silly; the
kind you do with your mind! Seers are able to visualize people, places,
and items without actually being there to see them. This is helpful in
more situations than you might think. Let’s say your daughter was kidnapped; what are you
going to do about it, call the cops? Hahahaha! That’s a good one. All they’re gonna to
do is listen to your story, fill out some paperwork, and organize a nationwide search and rescue effort utilizing all the
latest in technology such as freeway signs, television, radio, internet
sites, teams of criminal investigators, and press conferences. Good luck with that. I say consult a seer instead.

Soothsayers

SoothsayerSoothsayers, um, soothsay the future. This just boils
down to predicting disasters, such as when the end of the world will
occur, and they may also predict…uh…other…things?

That
one soothsayer predicted that Ceasar was going to be killed, but I’m
not sure if that was real or not. It could’ve just been in the book.
Anyway, all he said was something about the ides of march. Nobody even
knows what he meant.

Honestly I can’t really
come up with anything soothsayers can predict though. I guess this
means they’re specialists in their field. Good job soothsayers. As a
token of my gratitude please allow me to present you with this textual
cookie: O

Bonus Q&A Section

Q.
Help! I took my Schnauzer Muttley to a pet psychic and they said he was
depressed, so I bought him some doggy antidepressants. Now, he is out
of control. He has begun hanging around with the wrong pack; popping
doggy benzadrines and smoking doggy marijuana, and I fear he might move
on to harder dog drugs. What should I do!?

A. Ah,
do you see now what I was saying about pet psychics? These people are
not qualified to diagnose or cure any animal illnesses like a vet is.
Unfortunately (like in this case with your dog) a pet psychic
prescribed your dog antidepressants, which are a well-known gateway pet
drug. If you don’t stop this cycle of addiction now, your dog might
begin experimenting with pooch heroin, CLSD (Canine LSD), or mutt
cocaine. Lock him in his kennel with a bowl of water and a rawhide
chew, and don’t let him out for a week, no matter what you hear from
inside.

Q. Aren’t psychics just people who prey on the weak or simpleminded in order to make tons of money?

A. No, that isn’t right. You might be thinking of someone else.

 

 

Pope Mobile
Screw that “trusting in The Lord” shit;
I’m getting a bulletproof car!

Famous Psychics

Sylvia Browne

Sylvia Browne
Sylvia
Brown is a 100% real psychic. I have had a private investigator follow
her and he claimed to have seen her performing spectacular acts on numerous
occasions (sending storm
troopers clattering down hallways with a wave of her palm, flying a
crop duster blindfolded, and single-handedly lifting a small car in
order to save a delicious Wendy’s Double Bacon Burger that had become
pinned underneath). Amazing.

Also the investigator said he got a picture of her boob but I didn’t look. Who wants to see a thing like that?

John Edwards

John Edwards
I
suspect that John Edwards is a fake. If only because he looks more like
a figure skater who has been to glamour shots than a psychic.

Psychics are fat, moist, and jolly.
They often have an eye patch, are known to wear a lot of clattering costume
jewelry and loud multicolored clothing, and often wear a bandanna
around their head. This may also describe an effeminate pirate king. But either way John Edwards does not fit the
description. Case closed.


The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed Up Zombies

Strange Zombies
The
psychic in this movie is an idiot like I have never seen. She works as a fortune teller, and
all she even does is hypnotize people with one of those swirling things
and turns them into her slaves.

Then she has the slaves murder other
ugly carnies and random people on the street.

I don’t see the point.

CSI

CSI
What the heck? This show isn’t even about psychics. Get rid of it.

Bonus Q&A (Round 2)

Q. Hey! Tell me the names of some more famous psychics or I’ll kill you!

A. OK, OK, I don’t want any trouble! Here:

Telapathists

Professor X Professor
Cop from Stupid Show Heroes Heroes Cop
Dr. Phil McGraw Dr. Phil

Pet Telepathists

NONE I TOLD YOU THEY ARE FAKE

Seers

Sylvia Browne Sylvie Browne
Lassie Lassie
Dr. Phil McGraw Dr. Phil

Soothsayers

Nostradamus Nosty
Cat from Early Edition Early Edition Cat
Dr. Phil McGraw Dr. Phil

And that’s the end of that. I think I’ve taught you people a fair bit about psychics and their
powers. I hope you’ve gained some respect for this little understood
profession, and next time you see a psychic walking down the street,
think about tipping your hat to them. They’ll appreciate the gesture.
And if you’ve got any questions of your own, feel free to EMAIL IN and
ask them; I’ll post them here as long as they don’t contain too many
ethnic slurs.