Pirates & Ninjas & Rangers: A Dumb Article About Things That Are Dumb

No Pirates NinjasA message from the author:
Hello sir or madam. If you're currently reading this, you've either been directed here from our self-help hotline, or have been given the link by a friend.

Please do yourself a favor and read this article. It may not be funny, well-written, coherent, or even seem to have a point, but I can assure you that reading it is the best decision you can make at this time in your life.

You need help, and I can give it to you. All I ask is that you trust me, and read on.

Let's Ask Dad!


“Bah! These kids these days and their internet jokes,” Someone’s white-shirted suburban father might be heard to mutter while squinting at the crusty monitor of the ancient computer in his home office. "In my day we had jokes about Jews getting beat up, Polish people jumping off cliffs, and even all those great jokes about the blacks. Not anymore. The jokes kids today tell are lousy."

Well pops, you may be right on some counts, but not on this one: internet jokes aren’t even really “jokes” at all. No, they're simply the act of parroting back oft-used words or phrases in order to garner recognition or praise from others. It's sort of like what a baby does as matures, except without the maturing part.

Moonshine, Baby!

Ever wonder how an internet joke works? Here, I'll show you:
  1. During one episode of a popular television program, a character named Lance trips over the rotting corpse of an elderly woman he has accidentally murdered and comes crashing to the ground.
  2. Upon leaping to his feet, he inexplicably shouts the phrase “Moonshine, baby!”
  3. A few of the viewers find this phrase amusing for some reason, and begin to type out “moonshine, baby!” on message boards and in online game chat channels whenever they make a typo.
  4. Other posters decide they want to be “funny too” (and somehow hoping to accomplish this by copying and pasting exactly what everyone else is doing) begin to use the phrase as well.
  5. Soon many more people are saying “Moonshine, baby!” every time they kill someone in a game, or when they believe they have made a particularly good point in an argument about the abilities of Goku on the Dragon Ball Z message boards.
  6. At this point, usage of the phrase will reach critical mass. Hundreds more people who never even saw the original TV show are using “Moonshine, baby!” simply because they see most others using it, and hey, if everyone is doing it, it must be funny, so why not join in?!
  7. The internet joke has been born.

As you can see, an internet joke phrase can become worn-out and annoying even in a single list, so you can imagine the terrible destruction that can be wrought by a full-scale meme.

Here I am making an ironic reference to ninja turtles.

C***k Norris

The terrible cosmic horror of the internet joke can be easily demonstrated with two simple words. “Chuck” followed closely by the word “Norris”. It was Conan’s fault. No, not Conan the Barbarian I’m afraid, (although some blame may be attached to him somehow) but Conan O’Brien. Quirky, limber, and possessing the strength of ten-thousand men, many would claim that Conan is one of the funniest people on television. But those who would emulate him do not fare so well, I’m afraid.


On a certain date (it doesn’t matter when) Conan discovered he could play clips from the hit television program Walker: Texas Ranger without paying any royalties. Obviously, Late Night took advantage of this and began to play funny, out of context Walker clips. However entertaining this may have been (extremely) it had the unfortunate effect of making every mindless parasite in the known universe an instant sarcastic Chuck Norris fan, causing them to believe that they were superhilarious every time they mentioned Chuck Norris in any context. Perhaps this would have been acceptable – IN MODERATION. Unfortunately, the concept of moderation is not known to internet freaks. As such, the Chuck Norris Phenomena was instantly driven straight into the ground the moment it was rumored to have begun.
Winner of the 1974 "Young Chuck" Lookalike Contest


Methods of Action

This murder of joy was performed in a myriad of ways. The first was to make up fictional “Chuck Norris Facts” about things such as Chuck Norris punching people to the moon, eating granite in a sandwich, or crapping diamonds. One or two of these jokes may have elicited a mild chuckle, (Note that I have resisted bolding ‘chuck’ in the word "chuckle" as I feel I am above this style of humor) but having ten billion iterations of any joke has been known to cause moderate to severe gastrointestinal discomfort and loose stools in even the heartiest of us.

It also doesn't help that most of the jokes are simply old-timey elephant jokes with the words ‘Chuck Norris”substituted for “elephant” (e.g. "Where does Chuck Norris sit on the bus—" you get the idea).

So Then: Pirates and Ninjas

guybrushAnd so we arrive at Pirates & Ninjas. It begins with a single webpage. It speaks mostly of ninjas, but sometimes of pirates, and it is all very strange and funny in a cute sort of mildly insane and unprofessional way. It keeps your interest for a few minutes, but soon it wears itself out.

Then is discarded, like so many soiled idea undergarments into the hampers of history.

Afterwards, there is only a hollow sort of guilt.

Hey that ninja thing sure is funny did you see it? No? here letmegetyoualink no trust me you want to see this it’s great it’s grand it’s hilarious go ahead check it out just for a minute you won’t regret it, scout’s honor. Hey! Wasn’t that great, wasn’t it a kick all that talk about ninjas and how they kill people and flip out? It’s gold baby, gold hey here did you see this page checkitoutheresalink to it oh you saw it already wasn’t it great? What, you didn’t like it? Well it takes a special mind to appreciate such high comedy I guess huh hey did you see the stuff about the pirates on here that’s some of the best stuff I’ve read in a long time and I’ve read it all it’s gold baby, gold. Hey so do you think a pirate could beat a ninja, eh? Eh? Haha just a little question for you, hey! What about a pirate versus a wizard eh? Eh? I’m pretty funny too huh? I think I am I’m a lot like the person who wrote that site it just spills out natural-like see? Haha! Do you think a pirate could take on a ninja underwater haha that’s great stuff, hey! Get this: pirates and ninjas that travel through time and kick people to the moon! Haha! Great stuff – please tell me I’m funny, just look at me I’m doing the ninja stuff too OH PLEASE GOD I AM SO LONELY NARUTO WHERE ARE YOU!

Of course this is just one example. If you can imagine it on an enormous scale, you will begin to feel "the fear".

This is the funniest ninja I could think of.

As you can see the bar for ninja-based humor has not been set very high.


FolksConsider this:
A stand-up comedian climbs up on stage in front of millions of people and begins to perform his act. Nobody in the audience is paying attention; they all talk amongst themselves. He clears his throat and begins to make strange sound effects into the microphone. Each time he makes a different little sound, he waits for a second to see if the audience reacts, and then goes on to the next sound. This goes on for hours. Eventually, the comedian makes a sound that strikes some people as particularly funny and mild giggles roll through the audience. A few begin to mimic the sound to those around them. Those people do the same to others, and so on, and so on. It spreads quickly, and soon a large percentage of audience members are making the sound.

Many people quickly become annoyed by the turn things have taken, and they leave the stadium in disgust. Others though, instead of leaving, become actively ANGRY about the sound and begin lashing out at anyone they hear making it. And yet, others still break into huge peals of insane laughter and fall to the floor every time they hear the sound,  no matter how many times it is repeated.

Eventually things quiet down, and all but a few have become tired of making the sound. They turn quickly to watch the comedian who, when he realized how popular his work had become, had stood on stage this entire time making his sound over and over into the microphone while a few loyal fans stared with rapt attention. The rest of the crowd begins to boo and heckle the comedian, who desperately tries to make new versions of the sound or even new sounds, but the people will not have it. Eventually he shrugs and shuffles out of the stadium. Nobody seems to notice.

But not to worry; someone new will take his place in a short while and it will all happen again, and then again, and again, and again until those of us who were there at the very beginning are rotting under the ground.

At least then we'll finally be able to get some peace and quiet.

SeagalAuthors Final Note:
Please join me in the fight against pirate/ninja referencing addiction. If someone you know is plagued by this terrible meme-sickness, there is hope for them yet. The first step is to get them to read this article. Any time a friend brings up pirates, ninjas, or Chuck Norris, send them the link to this article. Hopefully they will take the time to read it, even though it is poorly written and likely contains many grammatical errors. But if for some reason they can get past this, the healing can begin.

Together, we can beat this thing. Let's all do our best to wipe this menace out.

Reader Mail

*Note: All references to pirates or ninjas have been removed from posted correspondence.

Russ Writes:
****s are better, period. i dare you to tell a **** he or she is not.

NOTICE: Any further attempts by any member of the PNA to sneak propaganda into this article will be met with a stern reprimand from me and a prompt letter to the States Attorney's Office. I will remind you people that the internet is monitored by members of certain underground groups and various government agencies.

You have been warned.