By M. Anger
In the world of online games, nobody knows who you are, so you’re free to create whatever sort of online persona you can possibly imagine. It’s like you’re getting personality test results about each person you meet online. But as usual, when the general public is given complete freedom to do whatever they want creatively they will immediately squander this freedom by creating the same worthless garbage which comprises 98% of all user-generated content. This article addresses that garbage.
Uncreative Character Types
Do you like Japanese animation? Are you creatively bankrupt? Then perhaps the anime copycat character type is right for you! Just choose your favorite character from a popular show and attempt to make them in the character creator of a popular online game. Anime character are a really good choice for online games because while meaty 27-year-old morbidly obese men who watch cartoons meant for Japanese children are laughingstocks in real life, on the internet they one of the most respected and prolific groups. There is another reason to do this as well: Copying an anime character is also is the perfect way to demonstrate to the rest of the world that you have poor taste in animation and have no interesting ideas of your own.
Protip: Use your "Fishy Stench" power to drive away women
As you may know, many people in online games like to “Role Play”. As this is the online equivalent of the kids who ran around the playground pretending to be Ninja Turtles, most Role Players are universally shunned (with good reason). But there is also another type of Role Player: The Unskilled (or wannabe) Roleplayer. These players are extremely easy to spot, just look for misused “olde english” words, misspellings, and a complete lack of self-consciousness. Here are some examples of the sort of thing an Unskilled Roleplayer might say:
“come thither thee, we must make for the minds of Moria!”
“herken herken, for I need a group of stoudt warriors to acompany me whilst I jerney through these lands!”
“Ho ho! I will smote thee down and give a heartly laugh verily a tthis junctsure.”
If you come across one of these people I recommend curling into a ball and weeping gently until your tears wash away the pain. If this is not possible, type "IDIOT" into the public chat and immediately sign off.
Manimal (AKA “Furry”)
Yeah, OK buddy, we realize you’re mentally damaged, but is it entirely necessary to constantly advertise your sickness to the rest of the world? You don’t see heroin addicts roaming the streets with a needle hanging from their arm, or pedophiles browsing the greeting card section at Hallmark with shirt that says "I Fondled Your Son". So please, for the good of all humanity: Take off your little ears and your little tail, drag your club foot back down into the damp basement you came from, and create a character that doesn’t proudly advertise mental illness as if it’s a good thing. Remember: “Furries” are a notch below people who enjoy bestiality, so let’s see some shame here people!
Video Game Copycat
This section only exists because of one character: Cloud. For some reason Final Fantasy 7 character Cloud Strife has caught on as the default character to create in any game which lets you customize an avatar. I can really see the draw: Spiky hair, slim-average build, an emotionless mask of a face, dressed entirely in black, and loose-fitting pants. There are also a few other popular characters which fit the “Cloud Model” such as Neo from The Matrix, 92% of popular anime heroes, all ninjas everywhere, and sometimes Walker: Texas Ranger.
If you’re really trying to reach for the ultimate in shortcut hero character creation, you can add in some broadly-drawn “inner turmoil” to your character. This technique has been used by lazy or unimaginative writers for centuries because it is the perfect excuse not to have to write dialogue for a character (see: The Matrix, The Matrix: Reloaded, The Matrix: Revolutions and 99% of Japanese video games.)
Stupid Character Names
A lot of people think it would be fun to be in the military. This is most likely because they are sheltered and ignorant suburban white kids and have no idea what it actually means to serve in the military but hey they watched Windtalkers and thought it was awesome. But, they do play a lot of SOCOM so they give themselves dumb military-style names in online games and claim to know military tactics and strategy. These characters have names like General Mayhem, Major Payne, and Corporal Punishment. There are also are approximately 3 billion variations on the name Sergeant Slaughter, because apparently characters from god-awful children’s cartoons created solely to sell a line of toys are really “underground” (WOOO! The committee of Hasbro advertising executives who designed Optimus Prime totally rules!).
Johnny420, ChronicMike, Spliifmeister02, I see you people around all the time. So you’re bragging about smoking weed? I don’t think anyone’s been impressed by that claim since approximately 1952. That is probably the least glamorous, the least difficult, and the least dangerous thing I have heard anybody brag about. You might as well gloat that you didn’t wait an hour after eating before you entered the pool.
You think Marijuana is cool because it’s illegal? Well so is stealing mail, but I don’t see anyone running around in Halo with the name LetterBurglar2004. I’d like to see you take your toughguy junkie act into prison. You’d come sauntering into the yard with your thumbs latched in your suspenders, spit on the ground and proclaim “Don’t any of you fa**ots mess with me! I smoke WEED!” 20 minutes later, you’d be crying and bent over a cot, wincing with each sob; having just been worked over by thirteen sneering inmates while a cracked plastic spoon shiv was held to your throat. “How could this have happened to a badass like me?” you’d say to yourself, “I’m ChronicMike…”
Popular Name With Number
We all know the drill: Sign into any game or instant messaging program for the first time, and they'll ask you to choose a name. We all know that every single word, proper name, symbol, and combination of the three has already been taken, so we have to come up with something original. I see this is a good thing because it forces people to get creative with their name instead of just choosing "Poopface" every time.
But the burden of having to think creatively is just too much for some people to bear. They simply MUST have the name Solid Snake in every single game they play, no matter how much effort it takes for them to get it. So they add things to the name. The obvious ones fill up first: Solidsnake, SolidusSnake, LiquidSnake, TrouserSnake. Then they add the letter X: SolidsnakeX, XSolidsnakeX, XxXSolidsnakeXxX. Soon, those have filled up, and so we move on to the numbers: SolidSnake1, Solidsnake0, SolidSnake69, Solidsnake (whatever year it is, 01, 02, 05). What it all comes down to is that you will see players who have tried every simple combination they could think of just so they could have the name SolidSnake in Toontown Online and so in the end they gave up and mashed the numberpad: SolidSnake29412. Was it really worth all the effort? Whatever insignificant meaning the name Solidsnake might have originally held has been completely erased by all those numbers. You may as well just have called yourself "29412", at least that would've been original.
The Mysterious Jumble of Characters
Sometimes people are just really, really, big idiots. Hey, check me out everyone:
My name is: ##6969-8*7---Or1ChalChum---7*8-69696##!
My name is: 0000**buttmonger)()()=====> )(
My name is: :**;;Cree- Hey wait, what are you doing with that knife?! No! Stop! *SLLICE* gurgle…
Reasonably Clever One-Off Joke Character Who’s Name Is Mildly Funny The First Time And Gets More And More Annoying With Each Subsequent Viewing
If you don’t understand what I mean by this one, imagine that someone chose something like the title of this section as their character name. Something like “Clever Character Name”, “Fat Chicks Ride Free” or “Hold Me Closer Tony Danza” The first time you saw it you would probably think “Huh, that’s pretty funny, look what that guy did with his character name. Oh well, I'm off to kill the goblin king.” But if you got into a group with the guy, or if you saw him walking around town a lot, the name would quickly move from being somewhat funny to extremely annoying.
These names are also offensive because they force anybody who wants to address the character to stoop to their level in some small way. When you need to ask Fat Chicks Ride Free for help, certainly you are going to have to use his name:
“Hey Fat Chicks Ride Free, can I get some ammo over here?”
“Oh my god, Fat Chicks Ride Free just got killed by a chopper!”
Another way to go about it would just be to use a part of the name, but it still sounds ridiculous:
“Let’s go capture the Railway Fat Chicks!”
“Come on Fat Chicks, I saw a sniper on that hill!”
If a person stumbled into the conversation without knowing what was happening, he would most likely go mad.
If you disagree with anything I've said here it is probably because you are in one of the groups I mentioned. If this is the case: You are a bad person.
And that's that.
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